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Blended Families
KTdidit
member
Q from a BM to SMs
KTdidit
member
DS lives with me all the time, sees BD EOWE, recently upped from one weekend per month). My fiance moved in with us last winter and DS absolutely loves him, to the point of calling him Daddy when he started talking. (After a few months DS and FI finally came to an agreement and DS now calls FI "D", FI name is David.) Since FI moved in he has willingly taken on a lot of responsibility regarding DS. FI picks DS up from daycare every day (I get home after daycare closes so if it wasn't FI, my mom would pick DS up). DS wants FI to play with the bubbles in the bathtub, read him a book at bedtime, etc. Sometimes I feel guilty when DS doesn't want me, but wants FI to tuck him in at night. Like it's asking too much of FI.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is: When you took on the role of SM (and especially if you are a SM whose DH has primary custody), how much did you expect to be 'responsible" for your stepchild? I think being the BM my view is probably different and I'd like to get some insight from a step-parents perspective. In my head, when you commit to the bio parent, you should reasonably expect to commit to the child as well. That you should automatically expect to be a parent figure in the child's life. Now I know that you would never try to take the place of the other bio parent, and that's not what I mean. Just day-to-day routine things. I am trying to walk the fine line of letting DS have his bond with FI as a "father-figure" but also trying not to expect or get used t, FI to taking on the typical "dad" duties. I hope I'm explaining this right....
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Re: Q from a BM to SMs
How much did I expect to be responsible for the step-child?
FI (then boyfriend), made if very clear that his child was his responsibility. He didn't expect a sudden 50/50 parenting from me the moment I moved in. It was gradual, and every time I did something like bath, laundry, cook dinner, he always made it clear how grateful he was that I would take on the mothering role for his son. I agree that if you commit to a parent, you commit to that child. But I don't think its right to expect that from day one.
Then again, the beginning of our relationship was a little out of the ordinary. I started staying at FI's house right after moving out from the apt my xh and I shared, because xh didn't know where it was & wouldn't be able to stalk me there. So the situation was a little different.
For walking that fine line...just let your FI know how thankful you are that he is forming such an awesome bond with your son. I know from the other side it really means alot to have the bio-parent acknowledge it. Sounds like you've got a keeper
I knew my husband worked weekends and on his weekend with the kids on his day at work they would be my responsibility.
I don't see it as a responsibility to them though, I see it as a responsibility to our household/family. If things needs to get done, they get done by whoever can get them done.
We also have a great co-parenting relationship with BM.... so there are tons of trade-offs for all parenting figures attached, That being said, I do try and foster some 1 on 1 time with DH and his kids and make sure he spends sufficient time with them together (all 3) and with each of them.
Thank you, he is fantastic! I never expected 50/50 from FI, DS is my son and my responsibility. And I try to make sure FI knows how much I appreciate him all the time.
This exactly
Every situation is different and there are so many variables but here is how we did things.
When DH and I got married and moved in together I had DS who was just 2. SS was 3 and SD was 4. DH worked and I was a SAHM when we met. After we got married DH still went to work and I was still a SAHM. I kept DS is pretty much the same routine. SS and SD weren't really in a routine when the were with DH. It was very much like they were visiting in that they whole time they were here was fun time and not very structured. After I was in the picture I just worked SS and SD into what I did with DS. Sometimes DH was home and sometimes he worked. Either way I made their meals, did activities/ crafts with them, took them potty/ changed diapers, did bath time, etc. DH would help sometimes but it was usually easier for me to do most of it. It just came naturally.
DH also did a lot of things for DS. We didn't really separate kids by "mine" and "your". When it came to day to day they were all ours. DH did a lot of potty breaks and diapers. When we were in a public place he would usually take the boys and I'd take SD. DH also took over all story time. He loves to read and makes better voices.
At first, even though DH did day to day dad stuff with DS, he was very careful not to do big "dad" things with DS. He always gave BF the option to do things like first sporting events and "dad and me" things through the parents as teachers program. DS did call DH "daddy". BF was pissed but I refused to correct DS after I thought about the situation. DH was his dad.
BF eventually decided he didn't want to be a parent anymore so DH adopted DS. The way we had always done things made this some much easier. There really wasn't anything that changed in our home for DS.
Blended families are like any other families in that what works for one, may not for another.
You and DH should talk about what works for you, and if you are fortunate enough to have that sort of relationship, you and BF should talk about it also.
I also expect your FI's role today will not look the same today as it does in a few years as his bond with DS grows.
FWIW, I am one of SSs' parents, whether or not their mom is involved.
DH and I parent all of the kids together but I do make sure that DH and SD get special together time.
Talk to your FI. Come up with a plan. Let him know you are grateful - all excellent suggestions.
Thanks for all the feedback and stories about how your situations work. I realize all families are different and what works for some may not work for others. I'm so very lucky and thankful that FI is as involved as he is and really WANTS to develop that bond with DS. Wouldn't be marrying him if he was the opposite! I have a feeling that our family dynamic will change when the times comes that FI and I have a child together, and it will be even less that DS is "mine".
Unfortunately BD and I aren't on good speaking terms. There is a lot of anger and frustration on both sides and we are trying to work through it. But he did say he was happy for me and FI, and that he was glad that FI takes such good care of DS and cares for him so much. So we are slowly on the path to being civil to one another.
Thanks again everyone!
All of this.... however just be prepared that if your FI is doing some much (whether you ask him to or not) just be prepared that he might have some input on what goes on in your DS life.
When me and my DH got together and I started taking on more responsibilities of my SS and there were times where we didn't agree on what was being done. I had a long talk with both DH and BM to decide what my role was because as far as I could tell if I was going to be soooo involved in SS's life then I wanted a say on how certain things happened in my house.... (i.e. expectations of SS, what is appropriate or wasn't... etc...) as soon as the 3 (well, technically 4, b/c BM has a BF) of us talked things got a lot easier and have been smooth sailing ever since.
I am a SM whose SS spent EOW and 2 evenings a week with us. When DH and I spoke of marriage I knew it was a pkg deal. We became a "family" and when SS was with us, I took the role as the female adult in charge. I NEVER tried to be his mom . His BM appreciated that I loved her son, cared for him as if he were my own yet never overstepping that fine line.
SS is now in college and nothing has changed. I still do things for him, treat him as if he were my birth son, etc......
I believe this is how it should be in blended families.
I think your FI sounds wonderful. I think the only successful marriages in blended family situations are between two people who don't look at a child as yours or mine, but as ours. Even though there is a real mom and a dad, a step parent is just another person to love the child. More love= more happy!!!
When I started dating DH he had SD9 most of the time. He still does- she goes off to her mother's eowe and more often during the summer. I wouldn't have married him if I couldn't love her- she's such a big slice of his heart. Sometimes it can be a little hard- missing out on the "newlywed" stage. But on the upside- our decision to start TTC just a few months after marriage was because we'd never have that alone time anyway... why not start adding to the brood? I can't wait until we get a BFP! SD9 keeps asking- it was on her Christmas list. Maybe we can grant her that wish...
But anyway- don't feel BAD for your FI. He loves YOU and therefore must love your little one. He sounds like a very respectable man. If your ex is a respectable man... he'll be grateful and express gratitude for the love your FI gives his son. I imagine it's harder for men- many women I know, myself included, can't help but gush over a child... even a stranger's. You grow to love these children, and I'm sure FI has grown to love yours very very much... as if he is his own:)
(PS: I agree about distinguishing between daddy and the step dad. When my SD asked if she could call me mommy after I officially became her step mom I told her no because it would hurt her mom's feelings... but we did come up with a nickname and she calls me that instead. Feels the same!)
What works for some, does not work for all. If your FI is truly comfortable with responsibility he has taken on, just make sure he knows how appreciated he is, no matter how small the task.
And honestly, that is an issue among "intact" and "blended" families alike.
This. DH and I have talked A LOT about this. We do not have SS full time, we have him EOW, so it's a little different but FWIW: When the relationship started, it was not 50/50, DH changed every diaper, disciplined, bathed, bedtime, etc. However, as the relationship progressed, DH and I discussed our expectations for a future family together and we began more 50/50 parenting. DH didn't have much of any parental guidance growing up, whereas my parents were super involved (more so my mom, but they were both there) with my entire childhood. DH wants to do better with his son than his parents did with him, but he had no idea where to start. So I proposed ideas that seemed obvious (a bedtime routine, bubble baths instead of showers, etc.) and we slipped into a routine. Therefore, when SS comes to our house, I fulfill the role of a mother figure in our house. I am not his mom, he has a very attentive BM that he is with full time, but when he is in our home, I do the motherly things I would expect to do for any child in our home. I prepare meals, I bathe him, I read his bedtime story, I tuck him in. I also work nights, so DH does this on the nights I am not here, but SS asks for me when I am here. We parent 50/50 at our house now. When DH talks to BM, it's about when "we" will pick up SS, or what he has done with "us." When he makes decisions about changes in visitations, he discusses it with me first. We decide together what the rules, privileges, bedtimes, Christmas/Birthday gifts, etc. will be in our house. We are both parents in our house, it does not matter that I did not give birth to SS, part of choosing make a life with DH was also choosing to make a life with SS in it and taking on that parenting role.
ETA: If SS had been older when I entered the picture, I would expect my role/relationship as a parent to him would be far less; more so of mutual respect than child-parent. However, at this age, he is still quite dependent on a parent, and whichever of us is available to fill that role does so.
While I usually defer to DH on issuese that concern SS, I knew it was a package deal. I got both of them. SS has a mom and she has primary custody but he was with us EOWE and 2 evenings a week. ( he is away at college now)
I never tried to take his moms place but I was there for what ever needed to be done. I took him to Dr appts if he was with us , to play dates, went to all school events, and even taught him to drive.
Fortunately his mom was happy that her son had an additional adult in his life to give him love and encouragement. She never resented me for having her sons best interest at heart.
So basically when DH and I married and became one, there was no more "yours" or "mine" it was "ours" and that included his son.