Need advice: Telling my IF cousin — The Bump
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Need advice: Telling my IF cousin

My cousin is 8 yrs younger than me. She has one son who is 3.5. She has been trying on her own for about 2 yrs at least. A couple years ago I referred her to my RE and to the 2IF board for support, but she never took me up on it. She finally went to an RE at a different clinic in town earlier this year. We were comparing notes this summer on where we were in our struggles/meds. She has a completely blocked tube, a shriveled ovary, and the other tube was blocked, but able to be cleared during the HSG.

I keep expecting/waiting for her to announce she is pg at family gatherings, but it hasn't happened yet. I have been praying for her to get pg before me since I already have two children. At DS2's b-day party two weeks ago I overheard her H telling my neighbor that they are having problems, but now think it is "just stress." My neighbor claimed the same issue plagued his wife. I got pissed and told these two guys that it isn't "just stress." This past weekend we all went out of town for a family wedding and we had a conversation about where she is in her struggles. (I am still lying to be people about why I am not drinking, etc, because DH wants to wait until we are closer to 2nd tri.) Then she said she thinks it is "just stress." Aargh! If you have a blocked tube and a probably non functioning ovary, stress isn't the issue!! (I swear that pisses me off so much, like a woman's thoughts make her infertile.) She has been on Letrozole for the last 5 cycles. She is going to do 6 total. What I didn't realize until later is that that will be the end of the road for them. They are very Conservative Catholics, so she won't be pursuing more treatment after that. At least that is what her overbearing mom told my mom.My aunt definitely will not approve of my doing an IUI this time.

So anyway now I feel really bad. I feel bad that I didn't confide in her that night, but I haven't told my sister yet, and she wasn't there. Our plan was to tell DS1 on Christmas morning by putting an u/s pic in a frame for him to unwrap. Then I was going to put the most recent portraits of DS1 and DS2 in a triple frame with an u/s pic in the 3rd spot for my g-ma to open at the family Christmas party. I was going to send my cousin an email on Saturday to give her a heads up. But now I'm not sure what to do.

FWIW, we let my dad announce our pregnancy with DS1 at a family party for his birthday at the end of the first tri. Then with DS2's pregnancy I told my mom and g-ma the day I got the positive beta, then my g-ma spilled the beans to the rest of the family a few weeks later at my other cousin's b-day party. So this is my last opportunity to be the one to announce it myself.

What would SaIF do?

Married 9-4-04

***PM me for my IF history***

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Re: Need advice: Telling my IF cousin

  • I think you should email your cousin to give her a heads up but the announce the way you planned. It sounds fun! I am so happy that you are doing well and ready to announce! And also how much does it suck when someone who knows what the physical issues making it difficult to conceive are still uses the stress card?!?
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  • I would do what you were planning on.  Sending her an email ahead of time and announcing at your party.  While it's hard (and we know how much pregnancy announcements can hurt) it's still an exciting time for you.  I would expect her to be sad for herself but also be happy for you since she knows what you went through to get here. 
    Married 9/19/09
    Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues
    TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
    TTC#1  starting Nov. 2009
    3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui
    TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12 
    TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks 
    Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15.  Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15.  Forever in our hearts.
    TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
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  • I agree with PPs.  I think you are being thoughtful by giving her a heads up.  But you also deserve happiness yourself.  Give her time and space at the family function, be sensitive if she seems upset.  But you have been through a lot yourself, and you deserve to enjoy telling. 
    TTC with PCOS since November 2009
    IUI#1 Femara/Ovidrel (cd 3-7) = BFP, m/c
    IUI#2 Femara/Ovidrel (cd 5-9) = BFN
    IUI#3 Femara/Ovidrel (cd 3-7) = BFP!
    beta #1 11/23 = 270, P4 = 75
    beta #2 11/28 = 2055
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  • imageSarafuss:
    I would do what you were planning on.  Sending her an email ahead of time and announcing at your party.  While it's hard (and we know how much pregnancy announcements can hurt) it's still an exciting time for you.  I would expect her to be sad for herself but also be happy for you since she knows what you went through to get here. 

    This!  I hope you have a fun wkend & enjoy "coming out" :)

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  • I would do what you were planning on doing. It would be nice to give her a heads up beforehand so she isn't blind sided at the party. I know you've already offered support, but maybe try again in the email just to let her know that you're there if she needs someone to talk to who has been there.  I'm sure it will sting, but she needs to find a way to be happy for you (or at least pretend to be ;) because you deserve this baby and this time of happiness and anyone who has struggled to get where you are should know that.  I used to hate it when everyone around me would tell me they were pregnant followed by an, "I'm sorry" or "I didn't want to tell you ..."  It used to make me feel even worse.  

     P.S. I remember seeing your ticker when it said, '3 weeks and 5 days pregnant' and now you're in the 10's already!  Time is flying!

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  • I agree with everybody else!
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  • imageDragonfly1226:
    I think you should email your cousin to give her a heads up but the announce the way you planned. It sounds fun! I am so happy that you are doing well and ready to announce! And also how much does it suck when someone who knows what the physical issues making it difficult to conceive are still uses the stress card?!?

    I agree with all of this. Good luck sharing your wonderful news!

    DX: DOR and MFI 

     

    IVF w/ICSI brought us our 1st precious miracle

    V born via induction 4.29.11

    TTC #2: IVF (MDLF) August/September 2012

    ER 9/7: 6R, 5M, 4F ET 9/12: 5dt of 2 blasts 

    +HPT 9/17! Beta #1 (9/25) = 1,000 Beta #2 (9/27) = 1,860 U/S #1 (10/11)...TWINS!

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  • I also agree with everyone else about the "heads up" issue.

    However, I would doubt that she truly believes in her heart of hearts that her problem is "just stress."  I would guess that she probably just doesn't want to talk about it or is trying to not think about it.  That is how some people cope...and especially if she knows that she is nearing the end of the road with available treatments...or, at least, treatments that are available to her pursuant to her religious beliefs.

    IF DX: DOR & Fragile X pre-mutation carrier
    2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
    BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
    Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
    BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014

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