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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
She text back
Phantomgirl
member
I was mid explination to the post below when I received this text...
Hi, yes fine for Saturday. Can you get him a new phone for Christmas instead of lego, he broke his today.
I told her I was getting him lego!
Am I her f**king PA or somethng?
So how should I politely respond to that???
Here is the thing... I have no problem getting him a phone if he needs/wants it. BUT don't speak to me like I work for you.
I had no problem keeping him extra last weekend, I have no problem keeping him N Y eve and I have no problem getting him a phone BUT I have a problem with how I am being spoken to.
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Re: She text back
Just say you are sorry, but you have already finished your chirstmas shopping.
Oh jeez. It's awful close to Christmas for her to be changing her mind! Doesn't your DH give her money for Christmas presents? I think I'd just respond "Elf workshop is already closed!" and let her figure it out.
This is the first year that DS actually asked ex for anything for Christmas and he asked me if I thought he should get it. At first I said that I thought it was a little silly to get a DSI XL when he has a 3DS but then I realized that it would be HUGE for DS to get something he actually wanted from ex...so I told him to PLEASE get it. Turns out that his 3DS is having charging issues, so maybe not a total waste to get it anyway...
GUARANTEED I will get a call tonight from SS asking for a phone for Christmas.
Do I really not get it to spite her?
FFS!!!
A simple 'Hey he broke his phone if you have not already bought the lego could you get him one' and I would be all like 'hey no prob, great idea, thanks!!!'
Instead I'm all bitter and like 'f**k you biotch I got lego!!!'
Grrrr, I'm going to sleep on it!
Phantom - I think it may be time to have a sit down with BM and address how she treats you, face to face.
People will treat you how you let them, and I'm glad you are standing up to her, but I can feel the anger/resentment boiling beneath the surface. (Rightly so)
Preemptive meeting might do better to extiguish the flame before you burst.
Hope I am just sitting here thinking the same thing.
I don't want to get negative or resentful of being in a BF, its just not me.
Mel you are brilliant.
I want SS to have a phne BUT he is 11 on January 12th. I will get him lego for Christmas and a phone for his birthday!!!
If you have spent as much as you planned on for Christmas do not get it. I also think that you should not get it because it will show her she can not just make demand on you like this. No wonder you are so fed up.
Until SS learns to take care of a phone, he should not have one anyway.
I agree.
XH often takes kind of the same tone with me. I'm not certain he always means to, and if I push back he will often negotiate. But it irritates the holy sh!t out of me. So very often my kneejerk response to a text/email is NO EFFING WAY, NO.
It takes me 20-30 minutes to start thinking about the actual question.
Honestly, some people need to relearn how to speak to others. Because 9 times out of 10 if he had just asked me a different way, I'd say sure.
I like this. If you have not respond already I would do what Karma said and follow up with the birthday comment. If he asks just tell him It is too late for Christmas requests but he can put it on his birthday request list. I do not think running to replace the phone he broke is a good idea anyway, I actually think that at 10 and 11 a phone is only given if necessary and should not really be a gift to begin with because my kids will not have one just because they want one.
IDK, I mean, DH and I don't always say please would you... especially via text.
Like it or not, you are a parent in the mix and you're not always going to be treated like you're doing DH or BM a favor by watching your stepson.
Unless your complaint is more than her text wording, I think you've got to chalk it up to efficiency not lack of manners.
Do you always write please would you... to DH via text?
My SSs have phones, but if they broke one, we would make them go without for a while anyway as a natural consequence.
DH just dropped his phone again (2nd time this year) in a parking lot and shattered the screen. He can't go without, though, and he does have to pay for it, so I guess that's his natural consequence.
For the record, SSs have never broken a phone in the 6-7 years they've had one.
J I am not married to BM and I do a lot for my SS so yes I do think she should say please and thank you.
On the other hand you kinda hit on a good point. I'm not married to her nor did I make a baby with her so maybe she is just p!ssed of at having to co patent with ME.
Fells that's it exactly. I'm pretty laid back and agreeable 99 of the time. I'm polite and accommodating to her. Just be polite and we are good.
Phantom, you are making me rethink my texting etiquette. Yesterday a family member texted me about presents for the boys, asking what they like and clothing sizes, etc. We are close. We talk regularly. I texted the info back and never said thanks or anything. I just right now texted them a thank you for shopping for the boys because of this discussion and how you are making me rethink this.
I guess for me, text is informal and efficient. Like I said, DH and I text and keep it as short and to the point as possible, without a lot of formality. I would not infer from someone's text that they were being bossy, bitchy or rude just because their text was blunt and straightforward. If they were cussing or something blatant, yes, but just simple no pleasantries texts are the norm for me.
Guess I could sweeten it up a little. I'm sure the family member was glad to get the thank you. I didn't mean to be rude, but I was also out shopping and just trying to get the info in their hands. They didn't say "can you please tell me..." they just said "what do they like" "what are their clothing sizes" so I replied in kind.
Mom2one yes they split Santa toys.
I always buy SS something big from me. I asked her last Sunday what Lego she got so that I could get a different one. He loves Lego. So really it's only two days later she is suggesting the phone. I have no prob with her 'suggesting' a phone I'm just annoyed at her tone.
I feel like she talks down to me.
How do you feel about co parenting with your exs wife? I know you are in kinda a similar situation. I'm interested in your perspective? What could/may she be feeling?
Do you think she just thinks why am I co parenting with this woman?
I'm sorry for all the annoyance this is causing you, I hate that feeling, esp. near the holidays!
I saw that some poster on your other thread was getting bashed, but I agree with her. I can't imagine being spoken to the way BM always texts you, thus giving her a dose of her own medicine must feel really good! However, I'm not sure it does anything but create a vicious cycle: she orders you around, now you are ordering her around. Next time she does this and you get upset, you don't have a foot to stand on b/c you are doing the same thing!
Not married so thus I am not a stepmom, but to keep with acronyms, BM does this all the time to boyfriend: he gets a last minute order to change things. We generally do have plans when we don't have our kids, so this genuinely messes things up for us. However, I admire him for going with the flow b/c that's what's best for SS, and if we have plans we can't break, he just says Sorry, No. I think the worst thing he could do is start being as inconsiderate to her as she is to him, I would be unable to respect either party. (Admittedly, BM and I don't text directly, so I have never been experienced being the subject of her demands.)
Back to this post: I guess saying something like 'Can you talk to her or have your DH talk to her about her tone with you/unreasonable demands' is out of the Q b/c that seems like the most logical response, but I consider you a logical person and you aren't mentioning that. I must say, I'm not sure how she could have worded this request (for the phone) more nicely. She didn't demand by saying 'You need to return lego and get him a phone instead", she asked. Am I missing something (other than your history with her, I get how that weighs into this)?
If anything, this might show how giving her a dose of her own medicine doesn't really solve anything or make you feel any better.
I say all this at the risk of your wrath- I hope you know this comes from a place of respect- I appreciate your responses to my (and others') problems, and I want to understand more.
I think she might just not even think about it. She figures you are easy going and put your SS first and probably thinks that money is no issue for you guys (does she struggle?)...so her perception may be that it is just no big deal. Additionally, she may be a 'casual text-er' like J&A said, so being polite is not on the radar. Because you typically get along and you do a lot of the communication, I really doubt that it's a deeper issue of not wanting to co-parent with you.
In our situation, I started out having major issues with ex's (at the time) gf. This was 5 years ago I think? Over the last several years she and I have become close. Like really close...we talk on the phone, have lunch once in a while, we call each other to figure out how best to handle situations that come up with ex (who is now her husband lol). She also has an older child of her own and her relationship with my DS is a friend type. I am thrilled that she is my stepwife. lolYou guys get along right? You and BM? I am going to assume she seriously doesn't think about how she is sounding. I would approach her about it. The fact that she schedules with you tells me she isn't pissed she has to deal with you.
I think a HUGE part of this problem is that you are the "go-between" and "peacemaker" between two people who don't get along. You REALLY need to take yourself out of the "peacemaker" role and allow DH and BM to deal with each other (stepmother == peacemaker between bio-parents who can't play nice). Heck, maybe NOW you are figuring out why your DH doesn't get along with her that well!
Personally, if I were you, I would tell your H "BM is getting on my nerves. You're going to have to deal with her until after Christmas, because her way of talking to me like I work for her is p*ssing me off." Then let him deal with her. And if he agrees to anything, tell him "well, since you said you'd buy the phone....I guess you better get shipping. And wrapping, too."
I have to agree with you about the please and thank you! And I can appreciate the situation you are in because I am the go between for DH and BM as well. I think the solution offered up by PPs about getting him the lego for Christmas and the phone for his birthday is perfect. Everyone wins