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Blended Families
Daughter in delivery room?
I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I am currently expecting baby #2 with my husband. We have been together for 7 years. My daughter has had some ups and downs dealing with the new baby coming along and the changes it will bring...even more so since we are having a girl. In fact, her words to us in the beginning of the pregnancy were "I'm afraid you will love the baby more than me since it is from the both of you and I am not." She has said she wants to be in the room when the baby is born. I think it is super important for her to be there if she really wants to along with my husband as we share the special moment as a family. However, my husband is objecting to this. He does not want her there and feels that there are some things that just he and I should share. He is worried that he won't be able to fully experience everything if he is worried about "parenting" if my daughter is in there too. He does suffer from anxiety attacks. I am so torn as I feel completely different about the situation. I feel like we will be starting our family "divided" and making her feel like an "outsider" if my daughter is banned from the delivery room and left to wait with everyone else. Any thoughts?
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Re: Daughter in delivery room?
Really?
Ok since today is obviously play date on The Bump....
NOPE she doesn't need to be there during active delivery. The End
first of all, have you checked with your doctor and hospital to see if they are even okay with your daughter being there? A lot of places won't allow anyone under 18 to be in the room. secondly, what if things don't go according to plan and complications arise, do you want your daughter to be there for that? I think your best bet is to have your daughter be in the hospital with you, let her be with you while you labor, but have someone else there that can be with her as well, such as your mom or your sister, that way it won't be like you are just kicking out your daughter, you will kick out your mom as well, and as soon as the baby is delivered your daughter and whoever can come back in.
personally I don't think that is something that a 13 year old needs to see, but that is merely my opinion, and I don't have a 13 year old daughter so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
I think you should definitely have an open discussion with your husband about it, his priority needs to be you and the baby. what if your daughter gets scared? he isn't going to want to leave you and the baby to tend to her needs, kwim?
My mother and I are incredibly close. I am her one and only, but if she had been pregnant while I was in my teens, I would have wanted to be there.
If your DH is prone to anxiety attacks, is it possible that your DD would make a better birthing partner?
I also think your husband needs a better reason for her not to be there aside from it being something he wants for himself alone. I had planned on having my mother with me also, and I would not have allowed my DH to say no, nor was he interested in making the experience about him and I alone.
My brother is 10 years younger than I am and I had a really hard time with him being born- and we have the same parents.
I say let her in. Being the first to hold my brother (C-section) after my parents went a long way in making him my brother, and not a threat to my parent's attention.
I agree with all of this. DD can still be the first one to meet your baby just after labor is over.
UPDATE: While my OBGYN said that the hospital didn't have any restrictions, I called the hospital to check just in case. Their age requirement is at least 14 years of age. Looks like my daughter will just miss the cut off by almost a year. Sooo, she will be in the room with us up until it's time to push. Then, I am making special arrangements with the hospital that only she is allowed in the room at first so that we can share some moments together as a family. Nobody else will be permitted in until we give the okay. I hope the new plan will serve as a happy medium for all of us involved.
Thanks for your input! It is greatly appreciated!
I need to be brutally honest. I think you are NUTS for wanting her in the room.
What she's going thru is nothing new for many children. I do not think having her in the room is the answer. In fact, i think it could do the exact opposite.
1. Your husband has anxiety attacks - he is not going to be equipped to deal with you, the baby and your daugther. Giving him one more responsibility and person to worry about is not going to help him.
2. You really want to be having a baby AND worrying about if your other daughter is okay thru the entire process? Whether your pushing or on a surgical table, you really want to be looking over to her and asking her, "Are you okay honey?" Focus on your job as a pregnant mother which is: Having the baby.
3. I don't know about you, but I was on the verge of puking after every push. I don't really care to see ANYONE puke or on the verge of puking as an adult. That's just one difficult scenario. What if you are having contractions and in great pain - it kills me to see anyone in pain as an adult, it would absolutely be frightening for a child to see their mother in that situation.
4. Or worse - heaven forbid, something goes wrong with you or the baby. She will have to witness serious stuff, and get shoved aside - which is already her worst nightmare.
5. Which brings me to my last point - I am almost certain most doctors, nurses, and hospitals want as few people in the room as possible for good reason. Even if they allow it, what makes you believe that you, your husband or any of those doctors and nurses will pay attention to her? You are going to be focussed (hopefully) on having the baby and she could very well be shoved in a corner and ignored. Is that really the message you want to un-intentionally give her?
If she's insecure about the baby - this would not be the first time in the history of babies. Enlist a trusted family member or family friend she is close to and see if they will assist in making sure she is comfortable at the hospital, she can confide in, and they can talk to her about all these feelings she's having. Maybe someone outside your immediate family circle can help her see she's a major part of this and she will not be forgotten.
If you are ok with her seeing you in extreme pain, bleeding and pooping yourself while pushing a baby out of tour vagina then go for it. And I am not being rude, I am reminding you of what can happen in labor. Oh, and you need to prepare her for all of these things, because if she did not realize these things she could be traumatized. Actually if the hospital allows kids in the labor room I would have her come to birthing classes even if you were not going to do them, it can prepare her.
I wouldn't want my child in the delivery room. Too many things can happen and it could be very traumatic even if everything goes great for a child of that age.
Tell her that she will be the very first person other than you and your H that will hold the baby and that will always be a special first moment between them.
Don't cater to a 7 year old or you will be doing it forever.
Her DD is 13.
I'll be giving birth in a few days (induction) and there is no way in heck my stepsons will be in the room during labor even if they were girls. DH and I agreed that there is no way to know if everything will go picture perfect and we:
a) do not want to potentially scar the kids by what they could see during a normal healthy labor process
b) hear me curse like a sailor, which will inevitably happen
c) have to deal with seeing any complications that could arise
My mom will be bringing them to the hospital when I'm almost done with the pushing so they can be the first ones in the room with DH and I after LO is born so we can all bond as a family. I think as long as your SD has been kept in the baby process then there shouldn't be a problem with bonding and feeling like a family.
Talk with your doctor, and maybe have your DD there. Have him/her explain possible scenarios and find out if DD will even be allowed in there.
Have a family meeting. Is your H afraid that your DD will be bored? That she'll be needy (need to go get food, need to turn the tv on, etc...)? What does your DD want her role in the delivery room to be? Why is it important to her? How do you feel about all of this?
Finally, have a back up plan. Should anything take a turn for the worse or you can't handle having her in there or she can't handle being in there, you need to know what you'll do if things don't go according to plan. Because often they don't.
I can see all sides here. I hope you guys can figure out what's right for your family.
You could have an amazing, easy quick labor or you could need an emergency c section which could be scary to be part of in the moment. I definitely pictured my labor going way differently
She could be waiting right outside and be right there to hold baby but no I think labor is a medical procedure and I would not want anyone there except people who have to be
There are very few moments in life that 2 people share so intimately. Is this his first child? He may cry and have a lot of emotion that he isn't comfortable showing in front of your Daughter. He may also want alone time with you to bond with the baby. My step daughter wanted to be there right after the birth and I said no because I didn't want to feel rushed and have to miss out on snuggle time with my LO.
I think his feelings need to be considered as well, this is an important life event.
My 4 Angel Babies.....
MC#1- 12/2008, MC#2- 05/2009, MC#3 07/2009, MC#4 11/2009
Training to become an IBCLC. BF Questions? Just ask!
My mom and DH were with me for my labor w/ DD. My mom, MIL, and XH were there for DS.
My mom is a nurse practitioner and it was really important for me to have her there--both because she's my mom and because she's a nurse.
This is going to sound kinda snotty, but I would not have cared if either XH or DH had objected. Sure, it's their baby, too, but I'm the one pushing it out.
I understand what people are saying about the intimacy of the moment.
But really, with DD there were three doctors (my OB, a resident, and a pedi) and two nurses in the room along with us. And as soon as she was born, they let me see her for about 30 secs before whisking her off to the side of the room to be checked out. I had to lay there for 20 mins while they stitched me up. Then I got maybe 30 mins with her before they took us to a postpartum room. That's obviously not everyone's experience, but both my hospital births have been fairly similar.
It wouldn't be my choice to have my older child in the room, but I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow if it's what another laboring mom wanted.
This is an amazing idea! Good luck