2 DE questions...in case I miss the check in!

kflynn81 · December 2012

I'm starting my 3rd IVF cycle with my own eggs. We don't have issues with quantity, but the quality is lacking. If this round fails my RE recommended DE. Although, we do have a consult scheduled with CCRM on January 25th in case of a BFN we at least have a quick 2nd opinion scheduled. Anywho, here are my two questions sorry if this is long...

#1. When I told my IF counselor that I'm ok with DE but MH is skeptical because its not 100% our child, she told me to look up epigenetics when I got home. OMG, WHAT?!? I'm usually able to understand medical or genetic information but this is way over my head. Does this mean the child is mine by carrying him/her? Total confusion...Anyone have any insight on this??

#2. One of my friends from college is overly anxious to help us...be it surrogacy or to be our donor. Is that weird? My first thought is YES, WEIRD, OMG!!! but then I think....hmmm, we don't have to pay her, LOL. What are your thoughts? Has anyone offered to donate? Or if you were faced with that would you take them up on the offer??

TIA!

BootsOrHearts · December 2012

kflynn81:
I'm starting my 3rd IVF cycle with my own eggs. We don't have issues with quantity, but the quality is lacking. If this round fails my RE recommended DE. Although, we do have a consult scheduled with CCRM on January 25th in case of a BFN we at least have a quick 2nd opinion scheduled. Anywho, here are my two questions sorry if this is long...

#1. When I told my IF counselor that I'm ok with DE but MH is skeptical because its not 100% our child, she told me to look up epigenetics when I got home. OMG, WHAT?!? I'm usually able to understand medical or genetic information but this is way over my head. Does this mean the child is mine by carrying him/her? Total confusion...Anyone have any insight on this??

#2. One of my friends from college is overly anxious to help us...be it surrogacy or to be our donor. Is that weird? My first thought is YES, WEIRD, OMG!!! but then I think....hmmm, we don't have to pay her, LOL. What are your thoughts? Has anyone offered to donate? Or if you were faced with that would you take them up on the offer??

TIA!

To your 2nd question, YES definitely take your friend up on that if she's serious. It's a lot cheaper and frankly, it seems better to me somehow than a stranger (or not, that's up to you I guess). But understand there's a lot of medical screening that has to happen and also most clinics require counselling for you and her when it's a friend or family member who volunteers. Basically they want to make sure you both understand what's involved and the implications.

MrsSwitzee · December 2012

Hi,

I?m new to the board but since I spent a lot of time researching epigenetics today, I thought I would provide the explanation I gave to my DH tonight as it is an extremely difficult concept to grasp.

According to epigenetics eventhough the DNA of the egg is not yours everything else is. You provide the blood and cells that make up the little human being you will give birth to, therefore you are actually the biological mother to this child.

Here is the link to the article that I thought had the best explanation.

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

After 1 failed IVF due to no response to stims I will be using an egg donor. My consult with the donor coordinator at my clinic is December 28^th.

As far as your second question I cannot provide an answer as that is a personal preference. I do not have a choice as a 41 year old I have no family members or friends young enough to donate.

I hope you have success with this cycle and don't have to pursue egg donation...Good luck!

Mrs.McIrish · December 2012

I was personally not comfortable with a known donor. My sister and 2 friends offered. Realistically they were older than I would want a donor to be for me to consider (I want the benefit of reducing age related birth defects if we are removing me from the equation). But I could not wrap my head around my DH and friend creating a baby even though it would be "mine". I was also concerned about them wanting to be involved or at the least commenting on my parenting etc. Or telling people at events: i gave McIrish my eggs... I've lost enough with IF-- I don't need a known 3rd party too. I feel differently about a known surrogate though.

kseav · December 2012

Hello. We considered using a known sperm donor which I know is a little different but still along the same lines. While you don't have to pay for a donor you will have to pay for testing, counseling but also typically a lawyer bc you have to have a contract in which all parties agree to donation and to prevent any custody issues in the future. Since you are a part of one another's lives there may be times she doesn't agree with how you raise the baby so they want to protect all parties. It is a lot to consider and only you guys can make this decision. Our family was hurt we went with an unknown donor but it was what was best for us. Good luck on your decision :

kflynn81 · December 2012

Mrs.McIrish:

I was personally not comfortable with a known donor. My sister and 2 friends offered. Realistically they were older than I would want a donor to be for me to consider (I want the benefit of reducing age related birth defects if we are removing me from the equation). But I could not wrap my head around my DH and friend creating a baby even though it would be "mine". I was also concerned about them wanting to be involved or at the least commenting on my parenting etc. Or telling people at events: i gave McIrish my eggs... I've lost enough with IF-- I don't need a known 3rd party too. I feel differently about a known surrogate though.

This is my main concern....my friend, while she means well, I'd fear would make unwanted comments. While I appreciated the offer and its very tempting I'd be really leary about it because of that. Plus, she's been repeatedly asking to help us either through surrogacy or egg donation since before we even started on Clomid, LOL. Who would be that eager to go through donation? What a sadist, LOL just kidding of course.

Mrs.McIrish · December 2012

kflynn81:
Mrs.McIrish:

I was personally not comfortable with a known donor. My sister and 2 friends offered. Realistically they were older than I would want a donor to be for me to consider (I want the benefit of reducing age related birth defects if we are removing me from the equation). But I could not wrap my head around my DH and friend creating a baby even though it would be "mine". I was also concerned about them wanting to be involved or at the least commenting on my parenting etc. Or telling people at events: i gave McIrish my eggs... I've lost enough with IF-- I don't need a known 3rd party too. I feel differently about a known surrogate though.

This is my main concern....my friend, while she means well, I'd fear would make unwanted comments. While I appreciated the offer and its very tempting I'd be really leary about it because of that. Plus, she's been repeatedly asking to help us either through surrogacy or egg donation since before we even started on Clomid, LOL. Who would be that eager to go through donation? What a sadist, LOL just kidding of course.

exactly- if she is really overzealous now, how would it be like if it was her eggs? As a surrogate I might be ok with her because I feel like that is different and that you can set boundaries.

kflynn81 · December 2012

Mrs.McIrish:
kflynn81:
Mrs.McIrish:

I was personally not comfortable with a known donor. My sister and 2 friends offered. Realistically they were older than I would want a donor to be for me to consider (I want the benefit of reducing age related birth defects if we are removing me from the equation). But I could not wrap my head around my DH and friend creating a baby even though it would be "mine". I was also concerned about them wanting to be involved or at the least commenting on my parenting etc. Or telling people at events: i gave McIrish my eggs... I've lost enough with IF-- I don't need a known 3rd party too. I feel differently about a known surrogate though.

This is my main concern....my friend, while she means well, I'd fear would make unwanted comments. While I appreciated the offer and its very tempting I'd be really leary about it because of that. Plus, she's been repeatedly asking to help us either through surrogacy or egg donation since before we even started on Clomid, LOL. Who would be that eager to go through donation? What a sadist, LOL just kidding of course.

exactly- if she is really overzealous now, how would it be like if it was her eggs? As a surrogate I might be ok with her because I feel like that is different and that you can set boundaries.

You make a valid point, I appreciate your insight. Thanks

kflynn81 · December 2012

strudel82:

To your question #1: Epigenetics, like PP said, is basically that it's your biology that creates the child. It's the reason why if you put the exact same embryo in two different women, the child would look completely different. You get the DNA from the donor egg, but your biology/cells determine the expression of that DNA. I would swear that one of my LOs looks like my sister

For question #2: I was totally uncomfortable with the idea of a known donor. Outside of the potentially inappropriate comments, I was weirded out by the idea that a known donor might come to view herself as a parent figure, or would say things that made me uncomfortable (like pointing out similar traits/features). Ultimately, anonymous was the best route for us, even though it cost more.

Makes sense, thanks for the help. This put a smile on my face....if we do go the DE route I'd love to see a glimmer of myself/my family in there somewhere. I'm sold...well, I was already sold but even moreso now

kflynn81 · December 2012

MrsSwitzee:

Hi,

I?m new to the board but since I spent a lot of time researching epigenetics today, I thought I would provide the explanation I gave to my DH tonight as it is an extremely difficult concept to grasp.

According to epigenetics eventhough the DNA of the egg is not yours everything else is. You provide the blood and cells that make up the little human being you will give birth to, therefore you are actually the biological mother to this child.

Here is the link to the article that I thought had the best explanation.

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

After 1 failed IVF due to no response to stims I will be using an egg donor. My consult with the donor coordinator at my clinic is December 28^th.

As far as your second question I cannot provide an answer as that is a personal preference. I do not have a choice as a 41 year old I have no family members or friends young enough to donate.

I hope you have success with this cycle and don't have to pursue egg donation...Good luck!

Thanks for the link, very helpful!

2MamazInSeattle · December 2012

Hiya! First, I hope things work with your OE However, if you end up going the DE route, I thought I'd throw in a couple thoughts. I'm 7dp5dt atm with our DE embie.

I haven't read up on epigenetics, but I did read a *great book* that really drove home the impact of the pregnancy on the future health/life of your child. "Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives." Our RE counselor suggested it. Because we are a same-sex couple, and I'm 41 and assumed my eggs were shot, we basically came down to DE or adoption. We opted for DE and then this book made me want to carry/birth even more than before - the impact of the time in utero is huge. Regardless of the DNA, etc. piece, the fact that I have the opportunity to set this kid up for the best life possible cemented for me that, whether my DNA or not, I am setting the course of this little life with my love for it from blast to birth.

As for the donor, I agree on passing on the pal, but it is totally a personal decision. Fact is, our clinic still charges all the fees for getting her set up, their coordination fee, etc. + the legal fees, her drugs....the savings wouldn't be all that great. We opted for an anonymous donor who was agreeable to having her identity released when our kid is 18. This was a compromise we feel good about - we don't want the 'mystery' of never being able to know, and if the kid doesn't care, great. But if they do, we want them to be able to have that information. We used a sperm donor too, so we went the same route there.We had plenty of offers there - but for a lot of reasons people listed here, it just felt too complicated.

Plus, fwiw, going with an anonymous donor let's you decide what is important to you in your donor - you can go shopping. Kinda. At least we ended up finding that part kinda fun, and the more we looked, the more it helped us narrow things down, and also realize what we didn't care about at all.

Anyhow, best of luck! Your kid will be lucky to have you however they come about

jcath · December 2012

I think the epigenetics stuff is fascinating.

I personally didn't want a known donor either b/c I didn't want the complication of their being involved in the childs life and b/c I wanted to be picky about what I wanted in a donor. I was obnoxious and ruled out the donor eggs of donors in their late 20s for being too old...isn't that terrible ???

Check out the frozen program at RBA www.myeggbank.com I think it's one of the best value's around. My frozen DE cycle was cheaper than my fresh cycle with my OE.

Wishing you best of luck

kflynn81 · December 2012

2MamazInSeattle:

Hiya! First, I hope things work with your OE However, if you end up going the DE route, I thought I'd throw in a couple thoughts. I'm 7dp5dt atm with our DE embie.

I haven't read up on epigenetics, but I did read a *great book* that really drove home the impact of the pregnancy on the future health/life of your child. "Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives." Our RE counselor suggested it. Because we are a same-sex couple, and I'm 41 and assumed my eggs were shot, we basically came down to DE or adoption. We opted for DE and then this book made me want to carry/birth even more than before - the impact of the time in utero is huge. Regardless of the DNA, etc. piece, the fact that I have the opportunity to set this kid up for the best life possible cemented for me that, whether my DNA or not, I am setting the course of this little life with my love for it from blast to birth.

As for the donor, I agree on passing on the pal, but it is totally a personal decision. Fact is, our clinic still charges all the fees for getting her set up, their coordination fee, etc. + the legal fees, her drugs....the savings wouldn't be all that great. We opted for an anonymous donor who was agreeable to having her identity released when our kid is 18. This was a compromise we feel good about - we don't want the 'mystery' of never being able to know, and if the kid doesn't care, great. But if they do, we want them to be able to have that information. We used a sperm donor too, so we went the same route there.We had plenty of offers there - but for a lot of reasons people listed here, it just felt too complicated.

Plus, fwiw, going with an anonymous donor let's you decide what is important to you in your donor - you can go shopping. Kinda. At least we ended up finding that part kinda fun, and the more we looked, the more it helped us narrow things down, and also realize what we didn't care about at all.

Anyhow, best of luck! Your kid will be lucky to have you however they come about

Thank you so much for your comments!! I'm going to have to see if I can get a copy of that book, it sounds really interesting....even if we don't go the DE route I'd still read it

kflynn81 · December 2012

jcath:
I think the epigenetics stuff is fascinating.
I personally didn't want a known donor either b/c I didn't want the complication of their being involved in the childs life and b/c I wanted to be picky about what I wanted in a donor. I was obnoxious and ruled out the donor eggs of donors in their late 20s for being too old...isn't that terrible ???
Check out the frozen program at RBA www.myeggbank.com I think it's one of the best value's around. My frozen DE cycle was cheaper than my fresh cycle with my OE.
Wishing you best of luck

Thanks for the tip I'll have to look into it!!

new+tothis · December 2012

I think it depends. Personally, I would be fine donating and before I knew of my IF struggles offered to my BFF (they decided to wait a few years to try). I think a big part of the equation is how they view it. For me, it wouldn't be MY baby. It doesn't matter if I grew the egg and that egg turned into a baby - if someone else carried it to term that would be their baby. I would have no right to say anything in terms of parenting or anything else because again, it wouldn't be my baby in any way, shape, or form. If your friend took that stance, she's healthy, and both you and your H are comfortable with that then I'd consider it. Short of that I'd get an anonymous donor.

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2 DE questions...in case I miss the check in!

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

Re: 2 DE questions...in case I miss the check in!

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

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