Worried about my friend (WWYD...long)

Scramblersmom · December 2012

I brought this up in Spicy's post as this has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Although this had nothing to do with Spicy I always keep this in my mind when dealing with my own DH as I would hate to see anyone else (especially my family) go down this route. I have mentioned my friend on here before but just to recap...

She really, really wanted a baby and ended up having one. In brief (and as I mentioned in Spicy's post) she really babies her son and won't let her husband get involved in anything having to do with the kid. Her DS is completely out of control. She lets the kid do whatever he wants to do including jumping around in the car and letting him lay on the horn repetitively. She will sit in the parking lot for an hour because she won't make him get in his car seat so they can leave. She has taken a lot of vacation time because he throws a fit when she drops him at daycare so she just stays with him at daycare. She won't make him stay at the table to eat his meals so she just spends all night chasing him around with a spoonful of food. He refuses to change his clothes so she lets him wear the same clothes for a week. I won't let my DS be around him because her DS has hit, spit on, flicked, and yanked on my DS because he is jealous that his Mom is paying attention to my DS. She doesn't discipline him when he does these things to my DS. She just says "That isn't nice". If her husband tries to step in then she just gets mad at her husband and babies her son even more. She is planning on continuing to BF her son until after this winter passes and he will be over 3.5 yo (Not trying to bring up the BF debate but I see this as part of the larger problem with her). I could go on and on with more examples but I am sure you get the picture.

Her marriage has been in horrible trouble and they have been on the verge of divorce for quite some time. They have been in counseling and she admits that her parenting and babying of her son, and dismissing of her husband, is the major issue yet she hasn't changed anything about it. It is like she has replaced her husband with her son. To top it off, instead of trying to find a job here where her husband is working, she has decided to take a job in another state. She didn't even look for a job here. She seems to be under the impression that she will get together with her DH once or twice a month and everything will be OK. Based on history I am afraid that her husband will have a new fling in no time after she leaves.

I am trying to keep my own life under control (I can't handle any more stress or negativity right now) and I don't want my DS around her DS so I have not made an effort to see her in the last few months. I actually did invite her over on 2 occcasions a while back when DH would be here to help monitor the situation but she cancelled. Given this, I have just decided I do not really want to see her. I had DH drop off her Christmas present for me.

The sad thing is that she is really a wonderful person when her son is not involved. It really breaks my heart and I am very worried about her. I know I can not change her life in any way but I have never said much to her about her situation. I guess I also feel bad to be at the point where I am basically writing her off. I am wondering WWYD if you were in my shoes? Would you attempt to get together with her one last time before she goes? Would you tell her that you think she is making huge mistakes? Would you say nothing and just write her off? She is leaving in a couple of weeks.

pennysuedog · December 2012

If she is not asking for help, it is hard to give it, IMO. I guess I would try to meet up with her before she goes. I would tell her if she needs to hear a friendly voice while she is away all she needs to do is call. She may call you with her troubles down the road or not.

It sounds to me that at some level she is aware of a problem but she and her H are the only ones who can fix it. A good friend is there to listen, to support and to bum favors from time to time, you can not change her, or fix her problems. She is going to go through a dark part of life and all I think you can really do is listen, you can give advice but it will probably go unheeded.

Scramblersmom · December 2012

Cate1234:
This sounds exactly like my cousin and his wife (J). She completely spoiled her son, who could do no wrong, and refused to discipline. J pushed her husband further and further away until she finally admitted that she didn't need/want him in her life because he just took time and attention away from her son.
They had an extremely divorced. They had joint custody which pissed her off so she would try to poison her son against his dad. It was a horrible situation, but J refused to listen to anyone that she was creating a very self destructive situation.
I don't think there is anything that you can do or say that would change your friend's mind. You already said that you don't want to see her and have made attempts to get together which she blew off. I think you have done enough. If she were to suggest a get together, I might go just to get closure for myself.

Yowzer! I didn't even consider it a possibility that she could be purposefully moving away to exclude her DH from raising her son. Now that I think about it she did tell me before that she wants more kids but not with her H even though she seemed heartbroken that her relationship was failing (but not heart broken enough to change anything). Everyone that is mutual friends with her thinks she is nuts.

I will definitely take your advice along with Penny's. I think ultimately I need to stop worrying about other people's problems but I just like everything perfect and want to "fix" it.

cantalopes24 · December 2012

IMO raising your child that way is almost a form of abuse. You're preventing them from being a successful person and having normal relationships. I mean if she's treating her husband this way what's she going to do when the kid has friends or a girlfriend? Or will he not be allowed those things? I would call her and tell her you think she's ruining her life and her sons and possibly her husbands and you refuse to support her in that.

vitan · December 2012

I am kinda in your shoes. My friend lets her daughter get away with a lot. I never paid much attention to it because it never really affected me until her daughter started pushing and pulling DD. It really frustrates me but I feel like I can't say anything to her because that's borderline telling her how to parent. However, I will step in when it comes to the well being of my daughter. That being said, if it isn't affecting me, I pretty much think it's none of my business unless she asks me. I'm still new to this new mom thing (as we all are) so I'm still trying to figure out when it's time to step in or out of the situation but with this situation I say stay out of it. Unfortunately, this is her life and her business and my heart breaks for the kid because it doesn't look good. She may be a cool friend but you have to do right by your family. If that means cutting ties, so be it. I hope I don't get to that point with my friend but for now, I'll control our interactions as much as possible.

Scramblersmom · December 2012

WineBaby22:
cantalopes24:
IMO raising your child that way is almost a form of abuse. You're preventing them from being a successful person and having normal relationships. I mean if she's treating her husband this way what's she going to do when the kid has friends or a girlfriend? Or will he not be allowed those things? I would call her and tell her you think she's ruining her life and her sons and possibly her husbands and you refuse to support her in that.
I kind of agree with this. If she were a good friend of mine I would feel the need to put in my two cents. I'd say exactly what lopes said about ruining her son and husband's lives.

Yes, this is definitely has definitely been on my mind. I have alluded to this with her but have never said it directly. It is really hard for me to be so direct and hurt her feeling but I do worry about her son. Even though I do not like him I know it is not his fault. She is raising him in a way that no one likes him; not even his own father really. It is so very sad.

I am so thankful for everyone's advice and I am going to take it all into consideration. I am thinking now that I would at least like to see her one time before she goes (preferably without her son though)! Smile

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