dmndsr4eva- From another BM

Annplus1 · December 2012

My XH did leave me for a younger co-worker, right after getting me pregnant. Turns out he was sleeping with me and his gf at the same time. We were actively trying to get pregnant- and he was actively having sex with his co-worker.

I was with my XH for 10 years. I am only 32. I was alone my entire pregnancy, and I was on bed rest at 29 weeks (after spending 9 days in the hospital trying not to gie birth) due to severe pre-eclampsia. I gave birth at 34.5 weeks. I did this all on my own (with my parent's and friend's help)

My XH is still with the gf. I have been told she is a better mom than I am since she is a nanny now, and countless other horrible, hateful slams.

So does that count for being in your shoes? Am I able to actually give advice to you?

My divorce decree with child custody agreement had numerous errors, all in my favor. He wouldn't get Thanksgiving, ever. He would only get every Third weekend, not every other, and other things he would have signed to that he didn't verbally agree to. He wouldn't have read the agreement.

I called the paralegal who wrote up the agreement and had them fixed. Why? Because it's my daughter I am concentrating on. I PERSONALLY want nothing more than that ass to go away and never contact me again.

But he's a good dad. And that would make my daughter not have her dad. That would be horrible for her- And I am hopefully raising my daughter that we do the right thing, regardless of who it benefits. I want to raise a good adult, a trustworthy, honest adult. I have to show her ALL THE TIME what that is, so she can learn. What you do when no one is watching is most important, right?

My XH is a horrible person, a total douche-canoe, and I personally hate him-- Or I did. Now I am indifferent as he is just a business partner and our business is our daughter.

I understand the betrayal, abandonment, hate, bitterness, and screw you feelings you are having. But remember your son is the victim if you let them dictate your actions.

I know you didn't hear a word of that. But you said until someone walks in your shoes, they can't possibly know. And it hasn't been years since this happened to me. I have only been divorced a year, and my daughter isn't even one yet.

This is your son's story you are writing. Let him have a happy one. Help him have a happy one. Remember his face when you think of his dad. It will help you make the right decision.

Ginlyn0 · December 2012

Well said, Annplus1.

My DH was cheated on by BM in their house with the kids in the next room and DH actually walked in on them and caught them red-handed.....BM moved straight in with the guy and that is now the kids' SF. DH does what is right for his kids and that includes being cordial to their SF and friendly and co-parenting with BM even though he would absolutely prefer to never see either of them again. There are many occasions in which we are all four together and we get along for the sake of the kids.

MarSamWhitney · December 2012

You are a stand up lady Annplus1!! Yes

karleegirl · December 2012

MarSamWhitney:
You are a stand up lady Annplus1!!nbsp;

I agree.

kali55 · December 2012

I love that you said you are indifferent because he is your business partner and your business is your child!

+just+j+ · December 2012

Annplus1, You are my new hero. You are a wonderful person and I admire your ability to put your pain and hurt behind you and move forward for your daughter.

I wish you the very best. And something tells me, you'll get it.

Best wishest to you.

J

Annplus1 · December 2012

Thank you all. I apprecaite the kind words. I am not a hero, I am a mom. A new, clueless mom, but one that adores her own father and cannot imagine taking those memories away from my daughter. The last thing I want is my own feelings of anger to rob her of her dad.

And I know that I will be the one hated if I keep them apart. Because my baby will grow up to be an adult, and she will know if I alienate her from her dad. And she will hate ME for it, which she should.

So while I sound like a selfless saint, I just want to raise a girl who knows how loved she is- and she is. Just trying to keep her future therapy bill to a minimum.

+just+j+ · December 2012

Ann - this is exactly why I talk to H when he calls. It's why I strive to have a friendly relationship with him.

You speak the truth. SD is a mess because of her mom. She taught SD to hate H. I will not do the same. Tonite I told DD, even tho she's too young to probably truly understand, how much her father obviously loves her and misses her.

I hear what you are saying, and unfortunately, I think you are in the minority.

Annplus1 · December 2012

It's hard, and it takes time. I know your story J, I lurk here a bit to see both sides of the story, it helps me sometimes with my reactions.

Your new normal is just being formed-and you will screw it up at least 5 times a day. (oh wait, that was me) You don't have to be friendly, I actually recommend that you aren't overly friendly. Cool indifference is best- like a business associate that you are on a big project with. My XH and I only email, except the rare time of an emergency-where we text. Phone conversations make you fall back into your roles you played in as a married couple- at least in my case it did. It leads down paths that doesn't have to do with your DD. Email gives everyone a time to breathe between responses, and doesn't make you hear tones and see facial expressions.

You will argue, fight, have power struggles and that's just with your DD. Your DD's relationship with her dad is all on him. You just make her available, and have a positive attitude about him when she asks. But anything more his his job.

Can you tell I have been in therapy? Its helped loads. Sorry, didn't mean to get preachy. I have just been where you are, and know how much it sucks, while how exciting the new future seems. And I promise, the future is so much better than you can imagine. It's all yours.

Phantomgirl · December 2012

Ann I also wanted to say well done you and it is refreshing to read your story?

So what helped you move past it? Did you do counselling? Do you have a strong network of family and friends?

Did you ever get angry and what did you do with the anger?

Your story could really help here as you have definitely walked in Dmds shoes.

I hope you don't mind sharing BUT so far what she gets on this board is abuse and name calling which never helps. Nothing like good constructive advice!

Annplus1 · December 2012

Therapy and a lot of it. I had to own what failed in my marriage. The affair is and always will be all on my XH, but I own 50% of the failure of our marraige. I am a controller. I want to fix everything. I allowed my XH to be a child, and got angry when I required him to finally grow up. It changed the dynamic of our relationship, which helped end it. Each marriage is different, each reason it failed is different.

I get where Diamond is at mentally. I really do. The hate, the anger.... The hurt. Why can you make a family and then leave? How dare you? So many promises were broken when he cheated. So much of my anger came not from losing him, but from losing MY FUTURE. I always saw it like that, in caps. And the anger lasting so long- I used my anger to get me through the divorce, get me through the pregancy- and to hide from what I had done to help fail myself. I was so angry at myself. I was so hurt, and betrayed by me. How could I have been so blind, so stupid?

What helps me daily? Knowing that I am shaping an adult, who will grow up to have adult relationships. My kid looks to me to see if new people are okay, if what that person said is funny, is this food going to kill me? She glances up and reads my face every time we do something. Its awe-inspiring to have such an impact on someone. And that woke me up. While my XH is a douche to me via email, he is a good dad. He loves his daughter. I could totally destroy their relationship. I could make it hard for him to see her, and if I pushed hard enough, he would go away. I could make her hate him.

I could teach my daughter to hate.

Diamonds, if you read any of this- . It's such BS right? Your EX gets to have your son, and he chose to leave. He should be punished. And I agree. He should. But to punish in this way punishes your boy. And you sound like a mom who adores her son. Do what is right by your son.

My advice to Diamond? Therapy. A lot of it, like at least once a week. Blog- write down how you feel at least once a day. Go out once a month as a woman, not a mom. Every time you get pissed off at your XH, write it down. Start only doing the right thing- it will actually make you feel better. Be action oriented- as in stay busy every day until the anger gets quieter. Need your closets cleaned? Way better way to use that energy. Be kind to yourself- but be HONEST to yourself. You have to start by forgiving yourself, to move past the hate.

twister22 · December 2012

Annplus1:
Thank you all. I apprecaite the kind words. I am not a hero, I am a mom. A new, clueless mom, but one that adores her own father and cannot imagine taking those memories away from my daughter. The last thing I want is my own feelings of anger to rob her of her dad.
And I know that I will be the one hated if I keep them apart. Because my baby will grow up to be an adult, and she will know if I alienate her from her dad. And she will hate ME for it, which she should.
So while I sound like a selfless saint, I just want to raise a girl who knows how loved she is- and she is. Just trying to keep her future therapy bill to a minimum.

I completely admire your selflessness. I cannot imagine going through what you've gone through and having the perspective you have so early on. You're an amazing mom!

+just+j+ · December 2012

Annplus1:
Therapy and a lot of it. I had to own what failed in my marriage. The affair is and always will be all on my XH, but I own 50% of the failure of our marraige. I am a controller. I want to fix everything. I allowed my XH to be a child, and got angry when I required him to finally grow up.

Holy crap I could have written this. And most of the rest really. Including the part about raising an adult. DD is the reason why I am getting it together. I agree on the therapy. Maybe not lots...but enough.

Either way, my goal is to end up where you are.

Thanks for sharing.

dmndsr4eva · December 2012

Annplus1:

Therapy and a lot of it. I had to own what failed in my marriage. The affair is and always will be all on my XH, but I own 50% of the failure of our marraige. I am a controller. I want to fix everything. I allowed my XH to be a child, and got angry when I required him to finally grow up. It changed the dynamic of our relationship, which helped end it. Each marriage is different, each reason it failed is different.

I get where Diamond is at mentally. I really do. The hate, the anger.... The hurt. Why can you make a family and then leave? How dare you? So many promises were broken when he cheated. So much of my anger came not from losing him, but from losing MY FUTURE. I always saw it like that, in caps. And the anger lasting so long- I used my anger to get me through the divorce, get me through the pregancy- and to hide from what I had done to help fail myself. I was so angry at myself. I was so hurt, and betrayed by me. How could I have been so blind, so stupid?

What helps me daily? Knowing that I am shaping an adult, who will grow up to have adult relationships. My kid looks to me to see if new people are okay, if what that person said is funny, is this food going to kill me? She glances up and reads my face every time we do something. Its awe-inspiring to have such an impact on someone. And that woke me up. While my XH is a douche to me via email, he is a good dad. He loves his daughter. I could totally destroy their relationship. I could make it hard for him to see her, and if I pushed hard enough, he would go away. I could make her hate him.

I could teach my daughter to hate.

Diamonds, if you read any of this- . It's such BS right? Your EX gets to have your son, and he chose to leave. He should be punished. And I agree. He should. But to punish in this way punishes your boy. And you sound like a mom who adores her son. Do what is right by your son.

My advice to Diamond? Therapy. A lot of it, like at least once a week. Blog- write down how you feel at least once a day. Go out once a month as a woman, not a mom. Every time you get pissed off at your XH, write it down. Start only doing the right thing- it will actually make you feel better. Be action oriented- as in stay busy every day until the anger gets quieter. Need your closets cleaned? Way better way to use that energy. Be kind to yourself- but be HONEST to yourself. You have to start by forgiving yourself, to move past the hate.

Yes, I understand what you are saying. Just to be clear you and a lot of others are implying that I am trying to keep my son from his father and that is NOT and has never been the case. I understand that a relationship with his father is important.

However the disagreement comes when people (including him) seem to insist that in order for a relationship to be accomplished I should have given him 50% custody of my just weaned 1.5 year old baby and apparently also refused any child support. I never said I didn't want my son to like or have a relationship with his dad.

mom2one · December 2012

dmndsr4eva:
Annplus1:

Therapy and a lot of it. I had to own what failed in my marriage. The affair is and always will be all on my XH, but I own 50% of the failure of our marraige. I am a controller. I want to fix everything. I allowed my XH to be a child, and got angry when I required him to finally grow up. It changed the dynamic of our relationship, which helped end it. Each marriage is different, each reason it failed is different.

I get where Diamond is at mentally. I really do. The hate, the anger.... The hurt. Why can you make a family and then leave? How dare you? So many promises were broken when he cheated. So much of my anger came not from losing him, but from losing MY FUTURE. I always saw it like that, in caps. And the anger lasting so long- I used my anger to get me through the divorce, get me through the pregancy- and to hide from what I had done to help fail myself. I was so angry at myself. I was so hurt, and betrayed by me. How could I have been so blind, so stupid?

What helps me daily? Knowing that I am shaping an adult, who will grow up to have adult relationships. My kid looks to me to see if new people are okay, if what that person said is funny, is this food going to kill me? She glances up and reads my face every time we do something. Its awe-inspiring to have such an impact on someone. And that woke me up. While my XH is a douche to me via email, he is a good dad. He loves his daughter. I could totally destroy their relationship. I could make it hard for him to see her, and if I pushed hard enough, he would go away. I could make her hate him.

I could teach my daughter to hate.

Diamonds, if you read any of this- . It's such BS right? Your EX gets to have your son, and he chose to leave. He should be punished. And I agree. He should. But to punish in this way punishes your boy. And you sound like a mom who adores her son. Do what is right by your son.

My advice to Diamond? Therapy. A lot of it, like at least once a week. Blog- write down how you feel at least once a day. Go out once a month as a woman, not a mom. Every time you get pissed off at your XH, write it down. Start only doing the right thing- it will actually make you feel better. Be action oriented- as in stay busy every day until the anger gets quieter. Need your closets cleaned? Way better way to use that energy. Be kind to yourself- but be HONEST to yourself. You have to start by forgiving yourself, to move past the hate.

Yes, I understand what you are saying. Just to be clear you and a lot of others are implying that I am trying to keep my son from his father and that is NOT and has never been the case. I understand that a relationship with his father is important.

However the disagreement comes when people (including him) seem to insist that in order for a relationship to be accomplished I should have given him 50% custody of my just weaned 1.5 year old baby and apparently also refused any child support. I never said I didn't want my son to like or have a relationship with his dad.

No one thinks you should have refused child support. I got flamed for refusing child support. lol

Phantomgirl · December 2012

Aaagh dmnds I really hoped you would identify with Ann and take some advice. But you just looked for differences and poked holes in her advice.

Copy this and keep it somewhere, some day you will realise how much knowledge it contains.

Ann you are a true inspiration and can help so many people with your story.

Thank you for sharing it. Your DD is a lucky little girl.

Annplus1 · December 2012

Diamond, I never ever said you should give up child support, nor do I think you should be giving him 50/50 of such a young baby. I don't believe you keep him from his father.

I don't know where my post said any of that.

Look. We are taking two different routes to get to the same place. My XH is a diagnosed narcissist. And it SUCKS. I have chosen to work with him as a co-parent, ignore all the BS that doesn't directly affect my daughter and it is paying off.

Lets compare-

You called your XH numerous times on Friday to no answer and no call back.

My daughter had her first fever on Friday. It was my XH's weekend and I got three texts randomly through the night with updates- I asked politely, and he agreed to do it. The next day he decided she needed urgent care, and he called me so I could meet him there.

You can be angry, you can lash out and you will get ignored. OR you can do the right thing, show that you are wanting to work with him and you will probably get somewhere with him.

What reaction do you want from your XH?

You think people don't understand what you are going through, dealing with an a$$hole who just wants to make you suffer. That we don't get that he is evil.

Again- my XH knowingly had unprotected sex with me, letting me believe we were trying to start a family while he had a gf, and was planning on leaving me. And did! Letting me deal with a foreclosure, moving and preparing for a baby alone while he was spending money with his gf in Mexico.

I will never reach you, while you refuse to heal. You can never move forward if you are only looking back.

FutureMrsWittig · December 2012

Thanks for posting this, Ann. Even if it doesn't reach the intended recipient, it was good to read.

I'm a SM. But I have a really bad relationship with my ILs. Hopefully I can apply some of the things you've said here to that relationship and stop wasting my energy and my time too.

Phantomgirl · December 2012

wendilea:
Annplus1:
I will never reach you, while you refuse to heal. You can never move forward if you are only looking back.
This is powerful stuff. Many of us can learn from this statement alone. Can we have it as board slogan?

I like the idea of a slogan BUT I don't feel this represents how most of us 'regulars' live our life.

Want a personalized experience?

dmndsr4eva- From another BM

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