How to deal with difficult BM...

Re: How to deal with difficult BM...

• SimpleJane member

  December 2012

  First of all, if I had heard her say she was locking the child in a room for the rest of the day, and I thought she was serious, I would have called CPS immediately. Accompany that with brusies that look suspicious and I would be calling again.

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• Mama2TwoBoys

  December 2012

  MelRC117:

  I have an 11 year old SS and BM recently felt like he was too much and "needed some time" (we have 50/50). I forgot how it was all worded but basically she was overwhelmed with him and he doesn't behave at her house like he does at our house. I have seen BM parent, and the problem is they fight like siblings do. I don't think he respects her as a parent and he knows what he can push and do with her. DH is called in to intervene...we get phone calls, texts, she has stopped by our house all while its her time for H to talk to SS to discipline him. We have tried to work on H not being there for every time she needs him to be the disciplinarian, and for her to learn to handle SS on her own. She is his son too and she needs to learn to parent. 11 year old boys aren't easy, but you can't continue to be the escape for her to not learn how to control herself and discipline her child. If this doesn't end somehow, it will continue for years. Sure, we can get stressed out and its necessary for the other parent to step in and that can't really happen in Blended Families the same way, however she can't just throw her hands up in the air and say that her son is just too naughty. Does she see a therapist or a case worker or something?

  That's very similar to our situation. BM simply doesn't know how to effectively parent. The lack of time with him doesn't help either... with her passing on time she's probably at 15-20%.  I love having SS more often, but it seems to make her weekends even worse.

  I'm not sure if she's seeing a therapist. I would hope so, since she's got lots of things going on including severe depression. But then again, the reason her and FI aren't together anymore is because she refused to get help.  I believe there is wording in the CO that she needs to be taking her meds... but I'll double check, and see if there is something about seeing therapist (although it's probably "as needed")...
  

   
  

  
  

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• Mama2TwoBoys

  December 2012

  SimpleJane:

  First of all, if I had heard her say she was locking the child in a room for the rest of the day, and I thought she was serious, I would have called CPS immediately. Accompany that with brusies that look suspicious and I would be calling again.

  To clarify - the bruises don't look suspicious to me, but the story was fishy. Calling about how she can't handle him,  then later calling about bruises is what set off the flag. If he had simply come back with the bruise on his head, and no drama, I would have just thought he was being typical high energy, and very uncoordinated 3 year old.

  Now I feel horrible that I didn't talk more to FI about it... I was furious at the time, and thought of calling CPS.  Not making excuses, but she's also full of talk. She tries to get FI fired up and angry to say something that she can use against him. Her mental conditions make her swing back and forth quickly, so she may have in 15 minutes been all honky dory.  That's what has me torn, if we call CPS constantly when she's having a "moment", wouldn't that make us look bad?
  

  In the end, I don't think he was actually locked in his room all day.. this was about 3pm, and she called later at 7 when he was in pj's and ready for bed. 

  
  

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• sweetwalks member

  December 2012

  Mama2TwoBoys:

  SimpleJane:

  First of all, if I had heard her say she was locking the child in a room for the rest of the day, and I thought she was serious, I would have called CPS immediately. Accompany that with brusies that look suspicious and I would be calling again.

  To clarify - the bruises don't look suspicious to me, but the story was fishy. Calling about how she can't handle him,  then later calling about bruises is what set off the flag. If he had simply come back with the bruise on his head, and no drama, I would have just thought he was being typical high energy, and very uncoordinated 3 year old.

  Now I feel horrible that I didn't talk more to FI about it... I was furious at the time, and thought of calling CPS.  Not making excuses, but she's also full of talk. She tries to get FI fired up and angry to say something that she can use against him. Her mental conditions make her swing back and forth quickly, so she may have in 15 minutes been all honky dory.  That's what has me torn, if we call CPS constantly when she's having a "moment", wouldn't that make us look bad?
  

  In the end, I don't think he was actually locked in his room all day.. this was about 3pm, and she called later at 7 when he was in pj's and ready for bed. 

  
  
  I was worried and angry that she locked a child in a room. When I read he was 3, I was PISSED! You justifying that it couldn't have been all day because only 4 hours passed?!
  
  Oh man!

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• SimpleJane member

  December 2012

  sweetwalks:

  Mama2TwoBoys:

  SimpleJane:

  First of all, if I had heard her say she was locking the child in a room for the rest of the day, and I thought she was serious, I would have called CPS immediately. Accompany that with brusies that look suspicious and I would be calling again.

  To clarify - the bruises don't look suspicious to me, but the story was fishy. Calling about how she can't handle him,  then later calling about bruises is what set off the flag. If he had simply come back with the bruise on his head, and no drama, I would have just thought he was being typical high energy, and very uncoordinated 3 year old.

  Now I feel horrible that I didn't talk more to FI about it... I was furious at the time, and thought of calling CPS.  Not making excuses, but she's also full of talk. She tries to get FI fired up and angry to say something that she can use against him. Her mental conditions make her swing back and forth quickly, so she may have in 15 minutes been all honky dory.  That's what has me torn, if we call CPS constantly when she's having a "moment", wouldn't that make us look bad?
  

  In the end, I don't think he was actually locked in his room all day.. this was about 3pm, and she called later at 7 when he was in pj's and ready for bed. 

  
  
  I was worried and angry that she locked a child in a room. When I read he was 3, I was PISSED! You justifying that it couldn't have been all day because only 4 hours passed?!
  
  Oh man!

  
  
  
  If she's that mentally ill, that 'take your meds' needs to be in the CO, and she has extreme highs and lows like this frequently, I would call any time something like this happens. He is three years old, he can't be locked in rooms. Make a list of what happened today, what she said, the brusies, if it has ever happened before, Ect. Just call and see what CPS says, then it will at least be on record for the next time something happens. Sounds like she needs to have supervised visitation. She clearly can't handle him on her own.

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• Mama2TwoBoys

  December 2012

  SimpleJane:

    If she's that mentally ill, that 'take your meds' needs to be in the CO, and she has extreme highs and lows like this frequently, I would call any time something like this happens. He is three years old, he can't be locked in rooms. Make a list of what happened today, what she said, the brusies, if it has ever happened before, Ect. Just call and see what CPS says, then it will at least be on record for the next time something happens. Sounds like she needs to have supervised visitation. She clearly can't handle him on her own.

  We document everything - every early exchange, every cancelled visit, every negative text message, phone call, email.

  She just got off of supervision within the past year, after extensive psychiatric evaluations (FI's side trying to get her declared unfit), and a recommendation of the doctor that she have 33% and unsupervised.

  You're right, she clearly can't handle him on her own. It's also in the CO that they co-parent, and not harm the relationship with the other parent.  

  Would calling CPS because of a statement be seen as trying to damage the relationship?  Not defending her, but I'm thinking back on all the things my parents said.. "shape up or you'll be grounded for years...". It never happened, but the thought of it made me clean up my act.
  

  If she said "I locked him in his room all day today", hell yeah, CPS would be called.
  

  
  

  
  

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• sweetwalks member

  December 2012

  Mama2TwoBoys:

  SimpleJane:

   
  
  If she's that mentally ill, that 'take your meds' needs to be in the CO, and she has extreme highs and lows like this frequently, I would call any time something like this happens. He is three years old, he can't be locked in rooms. Make a list of what happened today, what she said, the brusies, if it has ever happened before, Ect. Just call and see what CPS says, then it will at least be on record for the next time something happens. Sounds like she needs to have supervised visitation. She clearly can't handle him on her own.

  We document everything - every early exchange, every cancelled visit, every negative text message, phone call, email.

  She just got off of supervision within the past year, after extensive psychiatric evaluations (FI's side trying to get her declared unfit), and a recommendation of the doctor that she have 33% and unsupervised.

  You're right, she clearly can't handle him on her own. It's also in the CO that they co-parent, and not harm the relationship with the other parent.  

  Would calling CPS because of a statement be seen as trying to damage the relationship?  Not defending her, but I'm thinking back on all the things my parents said.. "shape up or you'll be grounded for years...". It never happened, but the thought of it made me clean up my act.
  

  If she said "I locked him in his room all day today", hell yeah, CPS would be called.
  

  
  

  
  
  They said ground you for years, not lock you in your room. I'm sure you were a preteen at least, not 3!!!! Were they mentally unstable?!?!
  
  He's 3!! He needs protection!

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• lookame3639 member

  December 2012

  Mama2TwoBoys:

  SimpleJane:

  First of all, if I had heard her say she was locking the child in a room for the rest of the day, and I thought she was serious, I would have called CPS immediately. Accompany that with brusies that look suspicious and I would be calling again.

  To clarify - the bruises don't look suspicious to me, but the story was fishy. Calling about how she can't handle him,  then later calling about bruises is what set off the flag. If he had simply come back with the bruise on his head, and no drama, I would have just thought he was being typical high energy, and very uncoordinated 3 year old.

  Now I feel horrible that I didn't talk more to FI about it... I was furious at the time, and thought of calling CPS.  Not making excuses, but she's also full of talk. She tries to get FI fired up and angry to say something that she can use against him. Her mental conditions make her swing back and forth quickly, so she may have in 15 minutes been all honky dory.  That's what has me torn, if we call CPS constantly when she's having a "moment", wouldn't that make us look bad?
  

  In the end, I don't think he was actually locked in his room all day.. this was about 3pm, and she called later at 7 when he was in pj's and ready for bed. 

  I would have called the police for a well child check right after she said he'd be locked in his room all day. I don't know about CPS since (in my situation) they don't do anything except a schedualed home visit. After a visit from the police she may wise up and get better about parenting. You could also suggest your disiplinary techniques. Tell her when child starts doing x you do y to help counteract his rebellion. However if BM is mentally unstable DS counsullor says it will make the child become a little unhinged for a couple of days. Perhaps the reason why he becomes very difficult for her is because she has some mental problems, he picks up on them and acts the way she does. He also may be seeking attention from her and sometimes to a child any attention good or bad is better than no attention.

  }

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• fellesferie member

  December 2012

  I think what I would do is this--

  1. Tell her that when she tells you something, you have no choice but to believe her. So if she says she's going to lock the child in his room all day, then you are going to believe that's what she'll do. This is not a situation that's appropriate for hyperbole or jokes.

  2. When she calls you for help, do anything and everything within your power to help her. Do whatever she asks. If she wants you to talk to him, talk to him. If she wants you to come get him, come get him. Don't yell/accuse/threaten, just do what needs to be done.

  3. Call CPS if you are concerned. Document everything.

  4. Work with your attorney on reestablishing supervised visits for her.

  I don't really feel like this is a situation where you can afford to underreact or give her the benefit of the doubt. I know that puts the burden on you/YH, but I think the child's safety is at risk.

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• Holly_1007 member

  December 2012

  fellesferie:

  I think what I would do is this--

  1. Tell her that when she tells you something, you have no choice but to believe her. So if she says she's going to lock the child in his room all day, then you are going to believe that's what she'll do. This is not a situation that's appropriate for hyperbole or jokes.

  2. When she calls you for help, do anything and everything within your power to help her. Do whatever she asks. If she wants you to talk to him, talk to him. If she wants you to come get him, come get him. Don't yell/accuse/threaten, just do what needs to be done.

  3. Call CPS if you are concerned. Document everything.

  4. Work with your attorney on reestablishing supervised visits for her.

  I don't really feel like this is a situation where you can afford to underreact or give her the benefit of the doubt. I know that puts the burden on you/YH, but I think the child's safety is at risk.

  all of this.. great advice felles
  

                         
                        
  
  

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• Nineoceans member

  December 2012

  I agree with simplejane. She has him 2 days and he has a bunch of bruises? I don't buy it. It's not too late call CPS and take pictures

  

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• J&A2008 member

  December 2012

  Nineoceans:

  I agree with simplejane. She has him 2 days and he has a bunch of bruises? I don't buy it. It's not too late call CPS and take pictures

  This.  Given the age of the child, I would call CPS now.  If the child were older, he'd be able to tell you what's going on at BM's. 

  I would want CPS to have the information you have - her threat, the bruises, her instability and her frustration with him and her claims she's unable to deal with him.  Let them determine what, if anything, needs to be done.

  Document this incident in your own notes. 

  You have not told us the entire backstory, but from personal experience it seems there have to be very, very serious issues for a BM not be awarded 50/50.   I would be concerned for your little boy.

  Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.

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