Intro and advice needed

LoveActually4 · December 2012

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking for a while but finally wanted to say hello. I have been married to DH for 4 years and we have DS1 who is 2 and DS2 who is 4 weeks. dH has 2 kids from a previous marriage SD is 17 and Ss is 11. We have SS week on, week off. Currently, SD lives with BM full time but we see her everyday we live close. Our relationship with BM is as good as can be expected.

My advice seeking pertains to my H. I had a baby 4 weeks ago and am home with him and my 2 year old. dH is extremely active in SS and SDs lives and goes to all of their basketball and football practices, games, etc. DH has been out every night this week attending one of their events, leaving me to put Ds1 to bed while caring for and breastfeeding an infant. I am overwhelmed and, frankly, quite lonely. I told him this and he was not very receptive. He believes that he has always attended these events and he shouldn't have to stop now, and if he did it would say to sS and SD that he is favoring his new children more.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable? He has been out for the last 4 nights in a row.....

Thanks in advance and I look forward to chatting with you all!

blush64 · December 2012

How would you handle this is all the kids were yours? Would you keep the kids home some nights or would one of you go and leave the others at home?

MY sister and her husband have four kids ranging in ages frm 14 years old- 6months. Sometimes my brother-in-law is out quite a bit taking the older children to activities and my sister is at home with the remaining kids. That's how you have to work it sometimes when you have several kids and they range in age. (and they happen to be involved in sports or activities)

It's a hard decision and I don't think there's a right answer. It's something you both have to work at to find a balance. While he has always attended games and practices he didn't always have more kids. It's important not to start ignoring his older kids but he needs to balance everything else as well. Is there anyway he can keep going to all games but maybe not all practices?

EDIT Are all games or practices really late? Could you all go and watch? This has worked for both of my sisters who have young kids as long as they weren't really late games. You might not want to do that with a 4 week old but soon enough it might not be a big deal. My nieces and nephews have been in a hockey arena every week since they weren't much older than 4 weeks old.

cole2144 · December 2012

There is no way my husband would be leaving my home with a four week old and two year old four nights a week. Yes he should still be able to attend some of their events but the more children you have, the more attention gets divided between all the children. I don`t care which order they came in, they all need to be a priority. Congrats on your baby!

Ginlyn0 · December 2012

How many were games and how many practices in the last 4 nights? Do the kids have other transportation to and from? Personally, we have 4 kids that are old enough and have activities. We go to all games and performances (even when DS was a baby). We go to practices for my SKs on nights we have them. BM takes them on the nights she has them. If BM needs help because practices overlap, we take them on her nights. We go to all practices for my DD because her BD doesn't participate in crap for her. I don't necessarily think practices are something a parent has to sit through but someone needs to take them. I do think parents should go to all games when possible. Obviously, sometimes we have overlaps in games in which we divide and conquer. When you choose to have more kids and a larger family, you choose to make more sacrifices of your own time and more goes to the kids. Your 4 week old and 2 year old probably don't even notice dad not there most of the time and since you obviously aren't going that is a choice you make. They will have more time with him when they are also older and the other kids are no longer in sports, ect. It evens out. I think you need to suck it up because you choose this. You knew he did these things with his kids before and if they were all your kids he would be doing the same thing or you would be either alternating with him or also going.

J&A2008 · December 2012

You need some time off, mama!

I can see his point - high school only lasts so long and then there are no more games (unless you've got college athlete potentials on your hands) and I don't think he should have to miss the games. He should start skipping some practices to stay home with you.

Have you thought about going with him to the games? I know it sounds daunting, and I can't imagine you would last through an entire game, but LO was always a better baby when we were out and about, and personally I could not stand being in the house all day. It was work to haul LO around to their soccer, basketball, scouts, etc., but he enjoyed watching the activity. Babies need to be in stimulating environments, too.

I would at least try it. It would show support to your stepkids and to your DH. You are a whole family, and you need to act like one.

Secondly, and as important, you need to work out time alone. Tell DH that you need a night or two off each week for you to go out and meet friends or whatever you want to do, without the babies.

Date nights with DH alone are great, too, but don't neglect yourself and deprive yourself of time by yourself.

Hope things get better! I miss the cute baby faces and all the snuggle time, etc, but I do not miss the work! As soon as LO turned 3 it was like I was a new woman again.

sabrina69barnes · December 2012

You said your DH has been out 4 nights this week. Is this an unusually crazy week or is 4 nights a week a regular thing?

If this is a regular thing that's not going to work. Your DH should talk with SS and SD and explain that he can't come to all events but ask them which ones are most important.

Your DH could also be taking your 2yr old to some events to make things easier for you right now. I agree with OP that maybe you could go to some of these things too.

I see where your DH is coming from but all of his children need him. By his logic he is saying that his older kids are more important than his younger ones. He sounds like a great dad who really wants to be there for his kids. Maybe if you put it this way he might see that spending time helping you and with your younger kids is just as important?

LoveActually4 · December 2012

Thanks everyone!

We all go to the kids games. I pack up the baby and toddler and take them, it's my only reprieve! I love going to their games as well. The practices are the bigger issue because they're in the evening, coinciding with bed time. Getting Ds1 down while tending to an infant is a nightmare and I'm drained after 4 nights of doing it unassisted.

I think we are going to have to find a happy medium for my sanity but as you all said , this is the life I chose and part of the reason I love him: he's a wonderful dad

Hope to keep getting to know everyone. Thanks again!

FutureMrsWittig · December 2012

I agree with some pp, can he take the 2 year old along? Or put him to bed and make the 2nd half of practice rather than the whole thing?

Hope you guys can find a happy medium!

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