Not Good At Being Critiqued

chance_encounters · December 2012

So I wrote up my birth plan today. We are planning on having a natural birth using the Bradley Method. So was very proud of it and gave it to DH to readd and add anything he thought I may have forgotten. Well there were some things that he did not like how they were worded and he wanted to add things he felt I left off and I got VERY irritated and he got irritated right back.....so. ....the birth plan is now not complete and we are both not exactly thrilled with eachother.

AimeeL85 · December 2012

I would leave it the way you want it, and he can write his own if/when he is ever going to give birth.

DMG122183 · December 2012

AimeeL85:
I would leave it the way you want it, and he can write his own if/when he is ever going to give birth.

Lol, yes! Tell him good luck with that.

janecanadian · December 2012

Sounds like your approach with him was the problem, unfortunately. You said that you wrote it up and then gave it to him "to add anything he thought you left off". Then in the next sentence you said you were mad because "he added things he thought you left off". In fairness to him, he did exatly what you told him to do!! Perhaps a more collaborative approach from the beginning might have been a good route then he would have at least felt like he had some input, and at that point you can still steer the discussion and get the outcome you desire. Telling him to do something then getting mad because he does exactly what you told him to do isn't good for any relationship!

raraavis28 · December 2012

O dear....my DH is an attorney who scrutinizes every phrase of every document he has to sign.....so I could so see him doing that too. That's why I just typed it up myself and occasionally asked what he thought about suchandsuch etc. Like pp said, it's your birth plan; he's there to support you!

PatsyGK21 · December 2012

AimeeL85:
I would leave it the way you want it, and he can write his own if/when he is ever going to give birth.

This!

laurapacheco · December 2012

janecanadian:
Sounds like your approach with him was the problem, unfortunately. You said that you wrote it up and then gave it to him "to add anything he thought you left off". Then in the next sentence you said you were mad because "he added things he thought you left off". In fairness to him, he did exatly what you told him to do!! Perhaps a more collaborative approach from the beginning might have been a good route then he would have at least felt like he had some input, and at that point you can still steer the discussion and get the outcome you desire. Telling him to do something then getting mad because he does exactly what you told him to do isn't good for any relationship!

This. To me it sounds like he did exactly what you asked him to do. But I know how you feel... whenever I ask for DH's opinion on something I'm really just looking for him to agree with me, and if he doesn't I get irritated. LOL

zonagirlie · December 2012

AimeeL85:
I would leave it the way you want it, and he can write his own if/when he is ever going to give birth.

This to infinity. When he has a uterus, he gets an opinion. He can discuss and tell you what he thinks, but in the end, he gets to STFU and look pretty.

landosmommy · December 2012

That's why I didn't/don't do birth plans. There are things DH & I don't agree on, so we go by ear when the time comes. I know what I want and can make sure the nurses/doctor knows that. If those things happen to need to change, the so be it. IMO, birth plans give you kind of a false hope. You're bound to be more upset about your actual birth if it didn't go exactly as you had wanted by your birth plan. KWIM?

landosmommy · December 2012

janecanadian:
Sounds like your approach with him was the problem, unfortunately. You said that you wrote it up and then gave it to him "to add anything he thought you left off". Then in the next sentence you said you were mad because "he added things he thought you left off". In fairness to him, he did exatly what you told him to do!! Perhaps a more collaborative approach from the beginning might have been a good route then he would have at least felt like he had some input, and at that point you can still steer the discussion and get the outcome you desire. Telling him to do something then getting mad because he does exactly what you told him to do isn't good for any relationship!

Yes

chance_encounters · December 2012

landosmommy:
janecanadian:
Sounds like your approach with him was the problem, unfortunately. You said that you wrote it up and then gave it to him "to add anything he thought you left off". Then in the next sentence you said you were mad because "he added things he thought you left off". In fairness to him, he did exatly what you told him to do!! Perhaps a more collaborative approach from the beginning might have been a good route then he would have at least felt like he had some input, and at that point you can still steer the discussion and get the outcome you desire. Telling him to do something then getting mad because he does exactly what you told him to do isn't good for any relationship!

Ok I had things written like "the baby and father are to room-in with mother" he thought that was too confusing and said why can't you just put "The father and baby are to stay in the mothers room. He wanted to simplify alot of my wording but I thought it was pretty too the point.

In the end after I cooled down (after this post). I read his suggestions and went over them with him and we found some happy compromises. I hadded his name in the header and added 2 scentences and he was happy and it really did not make any changes to the plan as a whole. So end the end we are both happy.:) I just got stupid emotional there because I felt the same as several of the other ladies too....you get pg, carry this baby and push it out and then you will have more of a say LOL! BUT we are doing the Bradley method and he is my coach and partner in this and we are in this together which means that he gets some say too We are a partnership and we chose Bradley because of that. My husand is my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks ladies!

LaurelBee · December 2012

landosmommy:
That's why I didn't/don't do birth plans. There are things DH & I don't agree on, so we go by ear when the time comes. I know what I want and can make sure the nurses/doctor knows that. If those things happen to need to change, the so be it. IMO, birth plans give you kind of a false hope. You're bound to be more upset about your actual birth if it didn't go exactly as you had wanted by your birth plan. KWIM?

I totally disagree. Having a best case scenario plan or a list of items that you prefer during or after birth can only help you to have a better outcome. Somethings you can't plan, but others like delayed shots or rooming in are requests your care providers need to know.

If you have an actual emergency where you're put under general, your H isn't allowed in the OR. There is no one to advocate for you or baby! Your Dr needs to know that you're declining the Hep shot (or whatever is on your plan.)

Mrs.AmyDylan · December 2012

We are also doing the Bradley method classes. We worked collectively on the birth plan, so we didn't have the same experience with the critiquing of the birth plan (though our instructor did have several changes).

I will say that you need to get past this and quickly. So much of the Bradley method succeeding is when you work together as a team. If you are crabby at your DH it will be hard for him to be effective at motivating and encouraging you. That being said, give yourself a day to cool off and then rethink the birth plan objectively and talk about it together. Good luck!

spainy17 · December 2012

I will say that this post makes me a little nervous simply because if you have trouble with your husband making changes to your birth plan I worry that you will be really distraught if you have to make changes to it on the fly in labor. While I think a birth plan is a fabulous idea, especially for those trying to do a certain method (Bradley, Hypnobabies, etc.), it is just that - a plan. Just because you word something one way or another way does not mean anything once baby is on their way and if you got that worked up over a couple of phrases then I worry that deviation from the plan might throw you off. I don't want to start a debate or make you feel cruddy because I think you two handled it really well, just wanted to say how it looks from an outsider.

chance_encounters · December 2012

spainy17:
I will say that this post makes me a little nervous simply because if you have trouble with your husband making changes to your birth plan I worry that you will be really distraught if you have to make changes to it on the fly in labor. While I think a birth plan is a fabulous idea, especially for those trying to do a certain method (Bradley, Hypnobabies, etc.), it is just that - a plan. Just because you word something one way or another way does not mean anything once baby is on their way and if you got that worked up over a couple of phrases then I worry that deviation from the plan might throw you off. I don't want to start a debate or make you feel cruddy because I think you two handled it really well, just wanted to say how it looks from an outsider.

This is my 3rd child (1st with dh though). Trust me I know how quickly things change!!! Neither of my births have gone 100% according to plan

But I am not a gly by the seat of my pants type person and neither is Dh. We wanted to have a plan in place wiyh 100% expectation that some if not all of it will change

but this way our wishes will be known to start out with.

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