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Adoption
about hope
I don't really feel like I have any. I came into adoption feeling hopeful- not with the same dread that I went into fertility treatments with (I never wanted to be pregnant, something I know that isn't true for most folks), but having now seen 3 fallen-through post-birth adoptions, and reading some books that have me convinced that adoption is far far far more complex than any agency or adoption advocates allow.
I just don't know how to go through this whole process without being more cynical about it than I already am. I'm so fearful of having to experience multitudes of loss and of having to grieve loss multiple times. It just doesn't feel very hopeful. And I'm truly sorry for all the loss that others here are experiencing -it's horrible and I commend the great strength you are all showing.
Yesterday, a friend of a friend contacted me to ask if my partner and I were thinking about adoption- they knew we were unable to get pregnant -(we haven't made any "official" statements about that and won't until our homestudy is approved). Her contact basically told me that she knows someone who was reaching out on behalf of a friend looking for queer couples who were hoping to adopt. I passed along my info, but *shrugs* no hope going on really there. Though I'd lie if I didn't note that I prayed a bit for at least some contact---'cause maybe that's a glimmer that would help my cynicism.
Ah well, I'm sure this is all the normal grumbling of what adoption looks like for most of us today.
M
This discussion has been closed.
Re: about hope
I'm sorry you are feeling discouraged. Everything we do in life is lacking certainty. Anything you do can fail, and there are hundreds of losses that could present themselves in front of you. But that doesn't mean you give up, or you don't leave your house, or you don't take a chance.
Sure, some people have failed matches. But is it really a loss when you know that isn't your child because that mother gets to parent, and a child gets to be loved? I know I would never want to feel like I am "stealing" away a baby from someone that doesn't want to go through with this. I know it would be a huge sadness to have a failed match, but I wouldn't call it a loss you know? Its life. You take gambles when you get in a car, or plane, when you move for a job, when you go on a first date...And all those thing can turn out wonderfully!
Don't shut yourself down before you get a chance to be happy. Your first match could be your only one! People tend to hear the negative stories, and people tend to gripe about bad things more than the good. With this process, you have to be prepared for things not being perfect but expect the best. Your child is out there, that's more certain than any fertility treatment. It just may be a little bumpier of a road, or take a little longer. But your child is coming to you, so keep your heart open and full of positivity.
I think it's completely normal to have these feelings. I try to keep in mind that sometimes the books can focus on the negative because it is their job to educate us about the potential pitfalls and situations we can find ourselves in. I will say I agree that when speaking with an agency or looking at their promotional materials they can definately paint a more rosy picture, but I think being educated and knowing what to expect so that if God forbid, something bad does happen you will be prepared and know you are not alone.
As far as seeing others matches failing, it is heartbreaking and I hurt so much for them, especially as you get to know people and all they've been through. I know that someday they will have their babies, and while I know that's slim comfort right now, the fact is, in the vast majority of cases, if you stick with adoption you will end up with your child. You might have to go through hell and back but you will get there.
This whole process is a giant roller coaster of crazy ass emotions. Seriously. One minute I'm holding a beautiful baby girl in my arms, hanging out with her BM, laughing talking about the future, and being told we are to name her. The next her family swoops in and, after 9 months of her forming a solid adoption plan, convince her in just a couple of hours to take the baby home.
I also realize that the struggles are just as important as the blessings because it's all part of our "story" and our child's "story." I try not to focus on the negatives that happened this weekend (because it would be insanely easy to do so), but rather the positives. Someone liked our profile enough to be ecstatic over the idea of us raising her daughter. We got to experience birth first hand and all the emotions wrapped up in that. I got to learn how to bathe a baby (something I will take with me for my own child in the future), I held her in my arms and felt an immense love so fierce that I know, when I actually am able to bring our child home someday, will be even stronger. There is an enormous I amount of heartache involved with adoption. It's not for the faint at heart, but it's going through these experiences that make us stronger and our relationship with our future child (BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN) that much more meaningful. The journey to get there, no matter how difficult, makes every ounce of pain worth it.
It's perfectly OK to acknowledge fears, pain, sadness, grief, etc. Heck I've been a hot mess more than a couple of times these past few days. More people have seen me "ugly cry" than I care to share. I also can rest assured I'm going to have one of heck of a story to tell my baby someday in what a fight it was to bring them home, the woman who should always ALWAYS be honored for the decision she made to place them, and that the wait was so worth everything.
Keep your head up. Acknowledge your pain, but also keep looking forward to the future that will be worth it all. That's the only way to get through.
:::Our Adoption Journey:::
Evan James was born 1/24/13 and matched with us 2/20/13. The LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!
Ouch!! As someone who had four failed matches and lived through it, this hurts. I know that's not your intention... but it just goes to show that until you've walked the painful journey of failed matches, esp when a baby is born, that people... even those on the "inside" like you, don't get it.
I say this with great respect to you... I know your intention was to help point out that the baby was intended to be w/her bio parent or someone else. I get it.
But failed matches are a loss like none other... it's a loss of a dream. It's a loss of a face of a child you loved for a moment. It's tragic and one of the hardest parts is that people don't get it and expect you to move on and forget it.
There are still four babies in the world that I have an attachment to that I can't explain to most people. Are they my children, no?? Were the suppose to be my children?? No. But that doesn't change that I have an inexplicable love and connection... and worry for them and their safety.
Failed match losses are real. They are painful. Many of us will agree that that child is where he or she was suppose to be... but that loss remains in our hearts. It's different but similar to losses suffered during the IF journey.
To Mary.... I am so sorry you are feeling hopeless. I've been there... See my post from 12/7.... I was in the darkest of places when our daughter miraculously came through us. Our journey was long and painful. But the one thing I knew is that I NEEDED to be a mom...
Hang tough, my friend... I am always willing to chat via email if you need an understanding ear.