My Plan

mork · December 2012

Thank you all for your support, I really needed that.

One more seminegative note and then I'm moving on. After writing that post I experienced a lot of guilt. After all of the losses, the highrisk pregnancies, and the effort behind getting this LO here, I couldn't believe I wasn't cherishing every moment. As a TTCALer, I would've read that post and been angry, jealous, and disappointed with the OP. It's interesting how my reality has changed. Anyway, I want to make clear, mostly to myself, that I really wanted this baby. In fact, we specifically waited to try until we had the itch, were ready, and sure we wanted kids. And then the desire became even more clear on the rocky journey. I also love this kiddo more than know how to say. My problem lies in taking the time to enjoy and cherish her. Ok, I've said it, and I'm not going to feel guilty any more. On to the plan!

You guys are right, my biggest issue currently is the amount of effort and time I'm putting into BF. I'm not ready to quit altogether, but I am ready to take a step back. Yesterday, for the first time in her life, I went all day without putting her to breast. It was a little sad to think about at the end of the day, but it was good for both of us. From this point forward, we will only try direct BF if she's rooting and willing. And we will stop when either of us gets frustrated or upset. I will pump when I can, but I won't give up my sanity or valuable time with her to do it. I will give her whatever I pump and then formula as needed. AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY, DISAPPOINTED, OR SAD ABOUT IT. We will spend as much time as we can being happy and enjoying each other.

That is my plan. Wish us luck!

Petunia844 · December 2012

I think that's a wonderful plan and I'm glad you're doing what's best for both of you. I do want to give you a little bit of honesty though you probably won't like... I think you will absolutely have days when you do feel guilty, disappointed and sad about it, you just have to move past them. I wanted Raylan more than I can say, and I would give anything in the world to have Peyton here for a "terrible" day of struggling to BF and everything else I get frustrated by... but I still had days when I was extremely guilty and extremely sad when I stepped back from breastfeeding. I just want you to be prepared for it, your hormones kinda do crazy things when you slow down on the BFing. My point is that it's OK to have those days. That does NOT mean we aren't doing our best, doesn't mean we wouldn't go to hell and back for these kids, and doesn't mean we aren't extremely grateful for them. It's ok to have the emotions of a "normal" mom even as a loss mom. The good news is though that now that it's been a while, those feelings really are pretty much gone. I just want you to be prepared that it will absolutely get hard again, just in a different way. It won't last forever though, I promise. Raylan and I are doing wonderfully now and I've really accepted every decision I've made. Good luck and big huge hugs, just take it easy on yourself! You're doing the very best you can for both of you!

csquared426 · December 2012

That's a great plan!

Happy and healthy mom = happy baby. Big Smile

anonomity · December 2012

That sounds like a great plan! And I never would have thought from your post that you didn't love your DD. You obviously love her so, so much... You wouldn't spend so much effort doing what you think is best for her if you didn't! Smile

Good luck!!!

Missa_g · December 2012

I'm so glad you've decided on a plan that you feel good about! I made the same decision and it has ultimately made me a much happier person. Over time my supply diminished to the point of stopping. I'm sad my boys no longer get breast milk but I've bonded with them better over it. One thing I did to help me with the transition was skin to skin. I started out doing it while feeding them from a bottle and then moved to doing it once a day or whenever I felt sad. Skin to skin did wonders for them and for me.

Don't feel guilty. I know that's like saying dont breathe, but try. As I said before I have been going to counseling. One of the things I've learned is that what we're experiencing is a type of grief. Grief over the loss of normalcy and the loss of expectations. When I was TTCAL I thought that if we could just conceive and deliver our healthy Rainbows that everything would be perfect. But it's not. Motherhood is not perfect. So now I'm focusing on being the mom my kids deserve. I have fought for them every stap of the way. You have fought, too. That is what our kids deserve, a mom who will do anything for them. You are the mom your daughter deserves.

KJsbabe · December 2012

I'm glad you came up with a plan that works for you and you can live with. I hope it works out and allows you to be a happy momma and enjoy your DD.

For the record, I never for a second thought that you were ungrateful or unloving towards your DD. We all get overwhelmed and feel unhappy at times, but it in no way means that we don't want or love our LOs. It's natural to have some momma guilt, but don't beat yourself up too badly. You are human and sometimes things just don't turn out how we plan. ((Big Hugs)) You are a wonderful momma and your DD is lucky to have you!!

hopefulmom81 · December 2012

Mork, that sounds like a fabulous plan.

Everyone knows that you desperately love and wanted your child. We can all relate to those overwhelmed/frustrated feelings, and most of us haven't had near the difficulty you have had!

You are a great mother making great decisions to enjoy your baby.

angielayne926 · December 2012

Sounds like a great plan! I hope that you both do well with it. ((((HUGS))))

xleslieraex · December 2012

It sounds like you have a great attitude about it all. If you need any support/ encouragement you know to turn to us.

You got this momma! ::hugs::

WearingRed · December 2012

Great plan!

SouthernBellaKS · December 2012

**Hugs** Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your LO. Deciding not to BF is such a hard decision, and it took me a few weeks to get to a point where I could handle having done it without wanting to cry. But E was losing too much weight. The first weight check where he'd gained several lbs made me feel better about my decision. Just remember that you haven't failed.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

Great plan, Mork. Remember, we support you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for taking care of YOU so you can take care of your LO. ((hugs))

adoxyinherear · December 2012

I didn't get a chance to comment before but wanted to let you know that you have nothing to feel guilty about! You obviously love your DD. Parenting is hard, hard work and it sounds like you are well on your way to a routine that is going to be healthy for both of you.

Scooby2358 · December 2012

hopefulmom81:
Mork, that sounds like a fabulous plan.
Everyone knows that you desperately love and wanted your child. We can all relate to those overwhelmed/frustrated feelings, and most of us haven't had near the difficulty you have had!
You are a great mother making great decisions to enjoy your baby.

I couldn't have put this better. Happy, healthy mama = happy baby.

adoxyinherear · December 2012

BandEddie:
Missa_g:
One thing I did to help me with the transition was skin to skin. I started out doing it while feeding them from a bottle and then moved to doing it once a day or whenever I felt sad. Skin to skin did wonders for them and for me.
LOVE this idea. Love love love it. I'm going to take this advice as well!!

I love this, too! What a great idea. Also, I am so excited to see a post from you, Missa. It sounds like you're doing amazing things for yourself and your sweet boys.

DCWJes · December 2012

Good luck hun! We are all here for you when you need us. Don't feel guilty about that! Love ya!

BarooGirl · December 2012

Scooby2358:
hopefulmom81:
Mork, that sounds like a fabulous plan.
Everyone knows that you desperately love and wanted your child. We can all relate to those overwhelmed/frustrated feelings, and most of us haven't had near the difficulty you have had!
You are a great mother making great decisions to enjoy your baby.
I couldn't have put this better. Happy, healthy mama = happy baby.

All this Mork.

You are a great Momma!

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