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October 2011 Moms
kristak53
member
Anyone at their wit's end with LO? (long)
kristak53
member
Or am I the only one?
It doesn't help that I have a mentally/ emotionally abusive ex-bf (father to LO) still living with me who does very little with LO every day. He leaves EVERYTHING up to me to handle: preparing and feeding LO every meal, diaper changes, play time, bath time, bedtime routine, etc. So I am already stretched pretty thin after all of that.
So LO is now at the age where he doesn't listen to what Mommy says and even if she explains something over and over again, he still won't listen or comply. I've got plenty of books reassuring me that this is just how the LO's are at this age but it is still very frustrating to say it over and over again and even explain it over and over again so LO understands why Mommy says what Mommy is saying.
In addition, I never taught LO baby signs so he is trying to communicate with whining and screeching and screaming at me so I can help him or play with him or whatever it may be. He still hasn't really said a clear cut first word that he uses over and over again either.
So when it comes down to the end of the day, I am out of patience, which I had little of to begin with, and I have no idea what to do to stop myself from getting upset when he constantly whines or doesn't listen to Mommy's requests and explanations.
I'm going to a support group at the local women's center to help me learn to lessen the abusive behaviors I learned from the ex, but I feel like I need the counselors from the support group in the house with me to help me cope or to help me see what I can do to stop overreacting. I am trying my hardest to learn to let things go but I don't know how to do that when I'm left in charge of everything all the time. I am also fearful of when the ex moves out because I'll then be alone with no help when I need it when I reach the end of my rope. My mom is an hour away and my sis is 35 min away with a LO of her own. Most of my friends live 2 plus hours away, across the country or down in So. Cal so my support group is small but luckily there is one around.
Am I the only one at my wit's end with LO? Am I a bad mommy? I am just lost and confused and I can't seem to keep my head above water even though I have to keep swimming because my LO needs me. Anyone have any ideas on how to cope with this? I exercise 6 times a week to help but that only does so much by the end of the day when I exercised at 5am. Maybe I need to journal or just call and chat with a friend a few times a day? I appreciate any ideas and help.
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Re: Anyone at their wit's end with LO? (long)
I am sorry you are dealing with this. This age can be very frustrating as they are very active but not very communicative or responsive to directions. I don't think you are a bad mom and your son definitely sounds like a typical 14 m old. Some days DH get's home and I can't wait to pass off the responsibility of entertaining DD to him while I use the time to make dinner as my moment of peace. Many days I still have a whining toddler underfoot pulling on my pant leg as I am trying to work in the kitchen because she prefers to harass me over playing with her dad. I only have so much patience to go around, so I use up most of my reserve for her and poor DH gets the brunt of my frustration and lashing out. I find that the best days are those where we take plenty of opportunities to get out of the house. A short run to the grocery store, a visit to the playground, library storytime, music class, gymboree, mall store and playground, whatever can break up the day and give the LO a chance to explore in a bigger, more novel space. Try searching pintrest for age-appropriate organized activities and learning opportunities you can do at home.
As far as your comment about living with an abusive ex-bf, well that's obviously something you need to change to improve your and your son's well-being and relationship. You didn't explain your situation but I can't see any reason why you would subject yourself and your son to that kind of environment. Obviously you have to realize that your household is a model of family dynamics for your son for years to come.
The ex has been asked to leave but he's been on his best behavior since I confronted him about his abusive behaviors so I've been making excuses to keep him in the home plus I'm scared to be alone to take care of my LO. I really didn't want to be a single mommy (as I'm sure none of them plan for that) and I am again, really scared for how my LO will be in the ex's home (custody was already filed as 50/50) and also scared of how he will be in my home when I have no one else to help when I am at the end of my rope. But yes, I do not want my son to live in a house with abuse and that's why I am getting help but right now I need more help. I am going to do my very best to create a happy home for him to live in when he is with me. He will learn good behaviors and how to earn things and to help and to pick up after himself, etc. I will teach him what his dad's mom never taught him.
Thank you for the idea to break up the day with outside activities. I think we can plan to go to the store every day to get out (since it's too cold for a park). I will look for a mommy and me group too, for now while I'm unemployed. I just feel like a failure in all aspects of my life right now.
Honestly, it sounds like you're doing everything alone anyway and your environment is causing you more stress. That appears to be exacerbating your unhappiness more than just the kid. Get him out of there ASAP.
But anyway, this is a frustrating age because they are frustrated with their inability to communicate. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself during times your baby is napping and find some happiness outside of the baby. That will go a long way.
Even without the abuse factor, it is weird a court would order 50/50 at this age for access and parenting time. And with the abuse, it is even stranger. Was that something you temporarily agreed to? I'm sure that could be fixed easily.
Funny, my friend told me the same thing about the ex adding to my stress. I asked him to leave before the end of the year and he has been packing his stuff so we are on the way.
Yeah, the women's center has told me that too. I thought my exercise was that but apparently I need more than just that 30 minutes every morning. I've been showering and getting myself pretty every day to help too which has helped quite a bit to help me feel like more than just a mommy.
The women's center and the court apparently have seen this before and the women's center mentioned how hard it is to NOT allow time with the father even in abuse cases. They said that the child would have to be in immediate danger in the abuser's presence to get me full custody. He never physically hurt me (good and bad) so I was unable to get a restraining order or kick him out of the house due to that. I am planning on filing for custody again once he leaves the house though.
well surely but time with the father is wildly different than equal sharing! Your baby is too young for that, in my and certainly the courts' opinion here at least. And probably is too young for overnight visits with him.