DS feels unloved

sloturtle · December 2012

I will begin by saying DS is 11 years old.

DS express how happy he was when he found out he was going to be a big brother (told him about 4 weeks ago). Last week he woke me up during the night and he told me he was scared that when this baby come that we will not love him anymore and all our love will go to the new baby. To help him feel better, I let him finish the night in bed with me (mom and dads bed always made me feel better as a kid).

A couple days ago, during an argument about homework, he told us that when the baby comes we will not love him anymore and we are going to "ship him off" to California to live with his (real) dad. I know he may have said this out of anger at the time, but it really hurts me that he may think this is what is going to happen.

I want to keep my DS involved in this pregnancy as much as possible. We are taking and writing down his suggestions for baby names, and I would of liked to have taken him to my last Dr. appt for the u/s BUT it was done transvaginal and I didn't feel comfortable with that. I plan on taking him to the u/s where we find out the sex.

I just would like to know if anyone has dealt with this and how did you handle it? OR, is there anyone that had this issue and things were fine after baby arrived?

I will also add DS has ASD, we have a Behaviol Therepist come visit our home. I will be speaking with her about this. I am looking for moms that have actually dealt with this.

Please be nice, DS is special to me and it brings me to tears to even think he will feel unloved.

Abeille · December 2012

I wasn't a child of divorce, but i was 11 and my sister was 9 when my brother was born. I am going to echo a lot of what the PP said.

There were a lot of fun things about having a much younger sibling, but I was pretty much relegated to the job of "assistant mom" as soon as he was born. I was the babysitter or mom's helper whenever they needed it: "help your mom and change your brother's diaper" "Get your brother to eat his vegetables" "Get your brother ready for school, I need to do xyz.." All those requests don't seem like much, but if they are happening every single day, it's a problem. Make sure your son still gets to be a kid.

For now I think the best you can do is let him know that while things will change for everyone when the baby gets here, he'll still be doing all his favorite activities. And he will still have some alone time with you.

A few things for after the baby arrives: If he doesn't want much to with an infant, don't pressure him, they're more fun once they are mobile and start interacting a bit. Let his room be his room, no pressure to babyproof, etc. And if he gets tired of a grabby toddler getting into all his stuff, respect that.

I think have the help of a therapist will be a great benefit for your family and your son. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

danieleandwayne · December 2012

I was a middle child and my older brother (technically a half-brother since he is from my mom's first marriage) is only 2.5 years older than I am, while my sister is a mere 20 months younger than I. I *hated* being the middle kid-- everything pps described above applied to me even with no real age difference. My brother was the golden, untouchable "Italian first-born son" in my mother's eyes as well as having a biological father who claimed his time weekly. And my sister had all sorts of issues until well after college-- she would purposefully break things and do a lousy job (or not do her chores at all)-- and my parents got so tired of arguing with her or having to buy new things (like an entire set of dishes!) that they would just ask me, the "responsible one" to do things. My brother wasn't around and my sister was a PITA.

I guess the point of all that is no matter what the age difference, change and family dynamics are tricky. Every child is different despite being raised in the same environment. My dad said that was a really surprising and hard lesson for him to learn (and sometimes he thinks my mom hasn't fully learned it yet! LOL). I agree with all those suggestions above-- let him be a kid but still hold him to responsibilities that are suitable for his age (it almost sounds a little like he recognizes he has a little power whenever he says he thinks you won't love him anymore); always make a point of emphasizing his individuality as a whole person (my mom used to dress my sister and me alike; I HATED that) and let him know that his age and independence is also appreciated ("I am so grateful that I can have conversations with you about x, y, and z" or "I love that you are into X activity!"); and just talk to him about how he's feeling. Maybe even your partner/DH can talk to him a bit, too, since many men feel like they've lost their wife to this crying, eating, pooping machine that isn't much fun yet-- so they kind of have something in common.

I know that my niece was UNTHRILLED when her little brother came along-- she was so used to being the center of everyone's attention-- but she soon got over it and learned that he was pretty cool, too, and worth sharing people with. Even if he sometimes gets on her nerves, now that he's 5. He ADORES her, though, and is her biggest fan/imitator and often that redeems him in her eyes! LOL

Good luck! Major change is frightening for kids, but they're pretty resilient. I'm sure DS will adjust...

sloturtle · December 2012

Thank You very much ladies for your information. Some of the things you had mentioned we had planned on doing and other ideas I didn't think would seem like an issue you have brought into a different light. We thought it would be good to be involved with the baby, after your comments, I think we may ask if he wants to.... and if his answer is no, then we leave it at that. He has already made it known he will NOT do dirty diapers. Which is fine, most adults don't want to change it either

We are going to encourage him to continue his martial arts class he attends 2x a week. And we plan to encourage him to try out for cross county at school. This is the first year DS has been interested in after school activities and friends coming over and sleep overs. We are going to continue to encourage this.

DH has also thought about doing thing just the 2 of them. DH and DS like to fish, I see lots of fishing trips this summer.

What I have learned from being divorced, we give lots of hugs,kisses, and try to laugh often!!! That kind of love goes farther than buying affection.

sloturtle · December 2012

hijoi:
I don't have any advice to give, but I hope that what pps have suggested work for you. Big higs to you and your son.

Thank You!! I hope so too.

soaringflutes · December 2012

I haven't gone through this, but I was 4 years old when my little brother was born. I never had to take care of him or be responsible for him in anyway, as it should be. I also felt just as loved as him. Sure he was younger and needed my mom alot, but I really enjoyed him and used to tell him stories was he was lying in his bassinet. It may turn out alright. GL.

elizabethnseanny · December 2012

I agree with pp regarding one on one time with him, and ensuring he has his own relationship with you both. I also want to mention that being from, and a parent in a blended family, I feel like at his age he needs to be reminded to be respectful. My eldest had a bit of a chip on his shoulder, and if not kept in line, would say unjustified comments regarding our treatment of him compared to his younger brother. Usually after being disciplined for homework or not doing his chores. Everything turned out fine and both his relationship with his stepfather and his little brother is good and loving. I just wanted to mention that drawing the line at disrespect is important because they only get feistier as teenagers! I'm sure your son will adore playing with his little brother, Good luck!

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