Daycare advice needed! (Long)

Jchirico · December 2012

So, DS hasn't even started daycare and I'm already not happy with the situation. Here are the details: He'll be watched by my cousin, who's great with kids. Let's call her M. M will be watching her son, who's 1, my other nephew, who's 3, and DS, who will be 1 when he starts. She'll be watching them at my brother's house, which is less than 5 mins away, which is great too. We're definitely getting a good deal, but it's also financially good for her, and it's really important for her to stay home with her DS, and this allows her to. In other words, I think it's a good enough situation for her that I'm not afraid she'll quit right away if I express my feelings about what's happening.

She's already started, just watching my nephew and her son until she has all three when I return to work. This has allowed me to kind of see how it's going to go, before DS starts. The problem is, I feel like she's treating it more like babysitting as a favour than as a daycare/job. She's constantly running personal errands with the kids, and it really bugs me. I know between preparing meals, feedings, naps, and diapers, there's not a ton of time left in the day, and I feel that the time should be spent on activities/excursions for the kids. I would have no problem with the odd emergency errand, but it seems like she's actually purposefully NOT running her errands on the weekends like the rest of us have to, and saving them to do with the kids.

Like I said, she's great with kids, but at the same time, she's not really aware of all the sensory, purposeful play, and developmental activities she could be doing with them. I'm putting together a large binder of these type of activities for her, and I'm hoping she'll do some of it. But already, my SIL has given her a few activities for my nephew to do, and they're not really getting done (since they're out running errands!). It's really important to me that DS does these activities, since there's only so much work I can do with him on the weekends/evenings.

I know the simple answer is to say well, go to a real daycare centre where you know they have planned activities all day, but since he's so young, I really want DS to be with someone who I can truly trust, and who loves him. She may not be super knowledgeable about current best practices in early education, but she loves him, and at this age, that's most important to me. At the same time, I'd like the love, and the developmental activities!

If you've gotten this far, thanks! I've been so impressed by the creative, thoughtful advice I've read from you guys over the last year, and I'm hoping you all can find a nice way for me to bring this up with her.

mle5d · December 2012

I don't know if you are going to be able to get everything you want, but you can always ask the question. However, if you can already see that she is not doing the activities with your nephew, that to me it's unlikely that she'll change it up when your DS starts. Unless, of course, it becomes much more difficult to run her errands with three kids, which is very possible!

Did you all have conversations with her before agreeing to the arrangement about driving the kids places? That might be a place to start. Otherwise, you may have to decide what is more important...DS being with someone you know, or getting developmental activities.

JMHO. Good luck!

MollySm · December 2012

Are you paying her a reasonable amount? Is it full time? I agree with PP. I would have a friendly talk with her and explain what you need in exchange for your money. Things like no TV, maybe 1 errand per week, healthy food if she is making it, indoor and outdoor activities, etc. It's better to start it with everyone having a clear idea of what you expect and what she is offering for the money, so it doesn't cause resentment in your family.

firewife9278 · December 2012

Well, assuming she's licensed by the state, she still has to follow the guidelines that any other daycare provider would have to. And that includes state curriculum, which is the same whether it's an in-home provider or a center. If she's not, then her license can be revoked. The state should be coming to inspect a couple times a year.

If she's not actually a licensed provider, then she is just a babysitter, and there isn't a lot you can do to enforce what you want.

And FWIW, my daughter's daycare teachers LOVE her. And she loves them too. They develop relationships with each other, so even though they're not related, they still care. A lot. When DD was sick with the nasty stomach bug going around, and we were at the hospital, we got calls and cards from her teachers. They missed her! I trust them completely, and she's been there since she was 12 weeks old.

Jchirico · December 2012

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that non family care providers aren't completely capable and loving. I know for most, that's the only option, and it almost was for me too before we worked this out! Being honest, I just still think this is the best for our family due to the fact that she's family, but also financially, the proximity to home, etc.

I should have added that errands won't be an issue for a while when DS starts, for the first 6 months, until our nephew goes to school and there's only 2 kids again. For now, driving anywhere with 3 kids isn't possible due to carseats, so my concern is for after that, and even just getting her to think of it as a job, not a favour.

And MollySm, I was hoping you'd respond! I figured you'd have some special insight! To answer your questions, yes, we are paying her a fair amount. It's still a deal for us, but not way less than any other in home provider, and without going in to details, she'll be making more than at her job before, plus not having to pay to send her DS to daycare (she'd qualify for subsidized care, but still, it's an extra cost). So win-win IMO.

We did have a small agreement before, including hours, times for calling in sick, and the basics, but didn't get in to specifics about driving or activities. I have told her, many times, that TV watching is a deal breaker for me, and I'm hoping she'll respect my wishes, but so far, the TV is on a whole lot. (My nephew is a little addicted, and she says she working on cutting down his screen time little by little).

NatnDyl · December 2012

I'm not sure I'd worry about it too much. Our nanny is a family friend and she is watching Connor and no other kids. She takes him with her to run errands and do her Christmas shopping, which is all fine with me. In return, he is with someone I trust completely, they go to the library once a week for story time, they go on playdates with the nanny's neice who is the same age as Connor and to the children's museum. She also does Connor's laundry and will run the dishwasher for me.

I think that since she's making my life easier, why shouldn't our nanny's life be easier too. If she wants to run errands with Connor, who loves outings anyway, so she can spend time with her husband on the weekends, fine by me.

MollySm · December 2012

If you've talked about tv and she still has it on, I would definitely sit down and have another talk with her. Be honest, tell her you just want to have the deal set up front so it doesn't cause any problems down the road. Have a list if things that are important to you. My family doesn't dictate how I play with the girls, and really at this young age playing as opposed to focusing on school type activities, is the most important. It's best that she realize ahead of time that it's a job, not just having another kid at her house for a couple of hours.

Jen0204 · December 2012

Honestly, I'd look into other arrangements. I felt the same as you - the girls went to my mom's home from 3 months - 8months and I wanted them there because they were with my mom, my sister, and my nephew. My sister wanted to go down to part-time and just work a few hours a week at night or on the weekends so she said that she would watch them if I paid her. I thought "great, helps me because it's a little cheaper then daycare, helps her because she can cut down her hours, and then they're with family". I thought it was win-win for everyone.

It SUCKED. My sister ended up having to work during the day a lot, which screwed with my hours at work, but there was also the clear sentiment that she was doing me a favor (even though she approached me with this plan) and that I owed her. She resented getting up early in the morning (my mom would normally get up with my nephew in the mornings so the princess could sleep in) and hated how much work it was. I didn't care if they ran errands and my only request was that they keep track of how much they drank each day because their size was a concern early on, and she refused to and made my mom do it because she thought it was ridiculous.

It all came to a head one day and I finally found an in-home daycare for them. I can honestly say this set-up is MUCH better. Granted, my mom watches them twice a week, but I would have zero issue with them going to daycare full-time. They sleep better, which I attribute to being really tired because they're so engaged all day. They have met milestones earlier since starting daycare, and I wonder if that's because they're surrounded by older kids who they try to mimic. They're happy there and most mornings reach for our DCP. She is licensed, so there are clear expectations and guidelines for her to follow. Even better, our state offers funding to in-home daycares to provide food so now that they're on milk and eating real food we don't have to provide her anything, which saves us some money.

For me (and I fully realize that part of this is because of issues with my sister and would be different if she were more reasonable), it's taught me not to mix business and family. Too many opportunities for hurt feelings and misinterpretations. If your cousin is getting requests from your SIL and is ignoring them, she'll do the same with you. If you want to give it a try I would be very clear and say "I expect x, y, and z. I know that you like to run errands and have the TV on and I'm not okay with that. Do you think it would be better for me to just look for an in-home daycare?".

jmccall79 · December 2012

I agree with Jen in that it's hard to mix business with pleasure, in a sense. My mom keeps Ian 3 days a week, and my sister was keeping him 2 days a week. My mom is keeping her 3 days, but now I've had to find care for the other 2 days. My sister is pregnant, and "just can't do it anymore". I had a feeling this would come later in her pregnancy, and knew that come April I was going to have to do something anyway, I just thought I'd have a little more time to find something...as opposed to finding something for next week! Though my sister's health, and the health of little LJ is very important, my sister is a bit of a whiner...and was when she was pregnant before. I'm very, very, very appreciative of the time that she got to spend with Ian. Very appreciative of the fact that he didn't have to go to daycare as a newborn. Though there's nothing wrong with daycare, I didn't want to have to do it. And I didn't have to do it and am very thankful. We both approached the days as her "job". Though she would go and run errands on occasion, for the most part she did not. And it helped us too that we have similar parenting styles. So, if this person doesn't have a similar parenting style then whatever you say, or expect, may never happen. It may be best to find someone else. As hard as that may be...do you truly feel like she'll follow through with your wishes? And if she does it now, will she continue. It's a very touchy place to be, when you mix family with your 'business'. Wishing you the best of luck with this situation.

Lena122 · December 2012

Bottom line is that if she's not doing what you want then you need to decide what your priorities are. Honestly, I personally wouldn't have a problem with her running errands as long as they're not to weird or unusual places. My mom watches Munchkin at her in home daycare but also watches him after she "closes" at night and on the weekends. I have no problem with her taking him grocery shopping and such.

I'm curious what activities you're referring to? Not to imply I'm neglecting my kid, but as long as he's got some toys and a place to explore then he's happy. I don't think my mom will be doing much more than that, and she is licensed, until he's older.

It sounds like you've got a good thing going so if I were you I'd consider compromising on things a bit more.

Jchirico · December 2012

Thanks-you're right, I need to decide what my priorities are, I can be controlling, and I'm finding it hard to not be able to micro manage what he's going to be doing all day.

As far as activities, I'm mostly just talking about simple, heuristic play opportunities (like with blocks or fabrics), and sensory activities, for example, playing in coloured water, or cornmeal or coloured rice. Or making shakers with water bottles and creating rhythms. I also like some of the ideas on the Productive Parenting site (I think Sooner mentioned it a while ago) https://www.productiveparenting.com Are you on Pinterest? If you are, try following No Time for Flashcards and 20 Must Follow Moms-these people have so many creative ideas for kids' activities!

Lena122:
Bottom line is that if she's not doing what you want then you need to decide what your priorities are. Honestly, I personally wouldn't have a problem with her running errands as long as they're not to weird or unusual places. My mom watches Munchkin at her in home daycare but also watches him after she "closes" at night and on the weekends. I have no problem with her taking him grocery shopping and such. I'm curious what activities you're referring to? Not to imply I'm neglecting my kid, but as long as he's got some toys and a place to explore then he's happy. I don't think my mom will be doing much more than that, and she is licensed, until he's older. It sounds like you've got a good thing going so if I were you I'd consider compromising on things a bit more.

Jchirico · December 2012

Jen-I remember you having these issues a while ago, so I was hoping you'd respond too! Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it really has me rethinking things. I know mixing business and family isn't always the best idea, but I was so hoping it would work out because of all the benefits (for us both). I still think I need to give it a shot at least, but have a serious conversation with her about my wishes (and maybe compromise a bit too Then, if it still doesn't work out, at least I will have tried.

Jen0204:
Honestly, I'd look into other arrangements. I felt the same as you - the girls went to my mom's home from 3 months - 8months and I wanted them there because they were with my mom, my sister, and my nephew. My sister wanted to go down to part-time and just work a few hours a week at night or on the weekends so she said that she would watch them if I paid her. I thought "great, helps me because it's a little cheaper then daycare, helps her because she can cut down her hours, and then they're with family". I thought it was win-win for everyone.
It SUCKED. My sister ended up having to work during the day a lot, which screwed with my hours at work, but there was also the clear sentiment that she was doing me a favor (even though she approached me with this plan) and that I owed her. She resented getting up early in the morning (my mom would normally get up with my nephew in the mornings so the princess could sleep in) and hated how much work it was. I didn't care if they ran errands and my only request was that they keep track of how much they drank each day because their size was a concern early on, and she refused to and made my mom do it because she thought it was ridiculous.
It all came to a head one day and I finally found an in-home daycare for them. I can honestly say this set-up is MUCH better. Granted, my mom watches them twice a week, but I would have zero issue with them going to daycare full-time. They sleep better, which I attribute to being really tired because they're so engaged all day. They have met milestones earlier since starting daycare, and I wonder if that's because they're surrounded by older kids who they try to mimic. They're happy there and most mornings reach for our DCP. She is licensed, so there are clear expectations and guidelines for her to follow. Even better, our state offers funding to in-home daycares to provide food so now that they're on milk and eating real food we don't have to provide her anything, which saves us some money.
For me (and I fully realize that part of this is because of issues with my sister and would be different if she were more reasonable), it's taught me not to mix business and family. Too many opportunities for hurt feelings and misinterpretations. If your cousin is getting requests from your SIL and is ignoring them, she'll do the same with you. If you want to give it a try I would be very clear and say "I expect x, y, and z. I know that you like to run errands and have the TV on and I'm not okay with that. Do you think it would be better for me to just look for an in-home daycare?".

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