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February 2012 Moms
Shawnee11507
member
uws22 & SAHM (?) + vent
Shawnee11507
member
I am having trouble getting DH to understand what it is like to SAH. Can you help me with an explanation for him? uws- help with a male perspective?
DS doesn't act the same way for me as he does with DH. He is mostly sunshine & rainbows for DH but I get the screaming mimi.
DH is at work a lot- minimum of 5 days a week, sometimes more, minimum of 11hr days, sometimes 16hrs. A typical day lately, DH sleeps until 10-11:30, gets up, maybe makes breakfast, might change 1 diaper, then gets ready for work and leaves. I do all the caretaking for DS. We have no friends/family here and no sitters, so I rarely ever get a break at all. This week DH had 1 day off work and next week he has 0 days off. DH has never given DS a bath or cut his nails and has only been left home alone with him for 4hrs 1x or 2hrs a handful of times, that is it.
I also EP and have to wash pump parts and bottles, etc. We have a dog & no backyard, so I have to let the dog out too.
I think DH thinks DS is all smiles and giggles all day and I just chill & watch TV and bump all day. Yes, I do these things, but I mostly bump while I pump or while DS is taking a nap and I am trying to get a meal in. Since I never get a break, by the time DS goes to bed (9pm or later) sometimes I just want to veg out (or sometimes I fall asleep) besides the 2 pumps I do & get his bottle ready for morning, clear some of the toys off the floor, etc.
We have already had the "what do you do all day" SAH argument at least 2x. He just doesn't get it.
DS DOB: 2/6/12
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Re: uws22 & SAHM (?) + vent
My Ovulation Chart
sorry... about to type a lot, but I figured you wanted a lot of info to share with him.
I'll admit it was pretty easy early on. I could set her in something (bouncer, exersaucer, whatever) and she would be entertained. This would leave me plenty of time to accomplish things like dishes, laundry, diapers, and even things I needed to do for some of the groups I'm part of.
However, now that she is mobile, it's a whole different world. It's not just the mobility either - it's her awareness. She needs/wants constant attention. I can't just give her a toy, she gets bored with it. She wants my attention or the cats attention or whatever, and if she doesn't get it she lets me know. Because of her awareness, it's a lot more time needed of mine to be social with her. I'm constantly with her moving around or playing with toys, partially to help her learn, partially to keep her away from things that can't be (or aren't) baby proofed, and completely to keep her occupied and not screaming.
Feeding her used to be so easy - just give her a bottle and go. Now I have to prep for her lunch while she's asleep so that I have everything ready to feed her and hopefully get some food myself.
here's my schedule if he wants to see it.
wake up between 5:30 and 7 with L and Kle so Kle can get ready for work after feeding her.
Bottle at 8:00 then upstairs play and/or books until 9:30. Second diaper change then try to get her to sleep around 10 for a nap.
10 am is laundry and/or washing cloth diapers. once those are started, I try to squeeze in a P90x workout. Once that is complete, I clean a room on my list of chores or a quick shower if she's still asleep.
11:30 is lunch prep before she wakes up. then it's diaper, lunch for her, bottle, then play time downstairs. If I'm lucky, I can kind of clean downstairs and continue laundry/diapers.
2 pm is another diaper and sometimes a nap. sometimes not, so it's just more time with her, usually without toys.
4 pm is her snack of cheerios and another bottle before Kle gets home.
after that, we try to do 50/50 of the L things and dinner with each other. finally, after Kle feeds her one last time, I set her down after 7 for sleep. (if she wakes up in the middle of the night, I'm the first to get her and attempt to get her back to sleep).
that is the easiest day possible, and usually happens maybe once a week. there are days where I need to run errands or grocery shop or whatever that also cut into it.
So very true. But I often wonder if he feels the same way as OP, like I don't help out enough. I really hope if that were the case, though, he'd tell me...
I have threatened to leave all day one day and leave him with DS. I also told him he should have to sit with my hand free bra and pump bottles on 3x during the day for 30min, with them filled with water, so he can't lean over too far to hand DS a toy, etc. or they will spill. I think maybe this needs to happen!
When he is home, we mostly just hang out because we are low on $. I still have to do at least 50% or more of baby duty. We have lived here less than a year & I haven't been able to find a job, so can't afford my former hobbies, and haven't really made friends yet, so I never get a chance to go out. Plus I get torn- my only chance to have free time away from DS is when DH is off work- which is also my only time to spend with DH- so I usually just stay home to see DH too. Part of why I feel like I am starting to go crazy (no breaks)- especially with all the screaming DS has been doing and waking up at night- it wears you thin. But DH goes out for beers at least 1 or more (sometimes 3) times a week after work because he "deserves it" because he works a lot.
Staying home with his child shouldn't be a "threat". And I completely understand wanting to take advantage of your H's time home to spend time as a family, but if you leave him with the baby for a day or two you'll give up one or two days and hopefully in return you'll get a husband who's a little bit more understanding about what you deal with each day.
not even close. I think we have the perfect system for our situation. I have zero complaints.
This.
And, really...you need a day or two away. It shouldn't be a problem for him since it is "so easy" to take care of LO on your own. You don't have to do anything special, just go to the park or mall and walk around...take a nap in the car! Just get out of the house for a FULL DAY. Leave ASAP in the morning and come home after LO goes to bed. Whatever it takes to help YH understand what you do all day.
You need some down time too...an unhappy momma isn't good for anyone.
I feel like my DH does "get it" to an extent because he does spend time with DD when he is home. What he doesn't completely "get" is what it's like to do that for the entire day, every day, instead of just for tiny periods of time until I take over again.
I loved uws's description here- "She needs/wants constant attention. I can't just give her a toy, she gets bored with it. She wants my attention or the cats attention or whatever, and if she doesn't get it she lets me know. Because of her awareness, it's a lot more time needed of mine to be social with her. I'm constantly with her moving around or playing with toys, partially to help her learn, partially to keep her away from things that can't be (or aren't) baby proofed, and completely to keep her occupied and not screaming."
That is right on. That is the part that is so wearing to me. The CONSTANT playing with her/entertaining her while she is awake. Even if she is having a good day that part is still so hard sometimes. It feels like I'm trapped in it, like I can't do anything else. If I try to she will scream hysterically most of the time, and if she is OK playing by herself for a bit it's never more than 5 minutes at the absolute most, usually much less. I love staying home with her overall, I don't regret it or want to change it. Sometimes I just wish I could get a day off from it though but that isn't going to happen. Breastfeeding and not being able to pump much of anything doesn't help the situation either. I'm hoping it will be a little better when she's a little older and no longer BFing. Time will tell.
We still have this fight sometimes after almost 4 years of me staying home. I agree with pp's that leaving him home for an entire day is the right thing to do. Although... it's still not a good picture of what it is like to be home with a baby day in and day out. My better suggestion would be to join a sahm group to go for walks with or out to coffee a few days a week. This will give you people to talk to about how ridiculous DH is with his thinking. I think the most important thing is just to accept that he will never understand what it is like unless you are willing to go to work for a year while he stays home.
I have gotten to a point where when DH says things like "what did you do all day" I just laugh and say "nothing sweetie, nothing at all." and leave the room. He knows he is being silly saying that, he is just having a pity party because he had a hard day at work and the grass is always greener. There are days when I am jealous of him getting to go off to work, but that is just life.
Again, find some other moms who can sympathize. My mom stayed home so I always have someone to talk to about life that understands specifically what I deal with on a daily basis. We want our DH's to be our BFF but in reality you don't have enough in common right now for him to be your ear and shoulder.
They should have a service SAHPs can hire for their SO. It entails:
- A person following their SO around all day while at work.
- The person must constantly asked to be entertained.
- Occasionally the person should try and grab whatever the SO is holding: papers, a hot coffee, food...
- Since changing diapers would be weird in this scenario, the SO has to accompany the person every time they have to use the bathroom.
- When it is their turn to use the restroom. the person has to come with them, they have to safely put the person somewhere, and/or they have to listen to the person cry when they just want to go pee!
- At random points during the day, the person must be unhappy and scream or cry because of it
- The person will "nap" during the day (unless they are unhappy, see above line item) and make sure to wake up right in the middle of them trying to actually accomplish something.
- The person must do just about anything to prevent the SO from sitting down and actually getting something to eat (see the trying to grab things line item, as well as the waking up from a nap and being unhappy ones)
While some might say this isn't the same because the person is "at work" I say it still applies. At home, we have plenty of things that can be equated to working: tasks that we need to accomplish. As long as it isn't a safety-sensitive job, I think this is completely reasonable!!!
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This is fabulous. My DH would be so pissed off by the end of the day when he came home if this could actually be done to him at work. Hilarious.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Philo
Baby N conceived after 1 miscarriage and more than 2 years of TTC. Diagnosis was low sperm count. We found success after 3 months of anastrozole to increase DH's testosterone and one IUI.
Some charts
I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive. - Happy Gilmore
Hilarious and very accurate!
When he asks me "why didn't you do xyz" and I say "because I didn't have a chance to" he looks at me like I'm crazy and says "you had all day". I just say "whatever" and walk away now. So annoying!
Now that DS has started to pull-up on the furniture, it's even more time consuming- I need to drop whatever I'm doing and run over and sit with him because he doesn't move his feet yet and he falls sideways and bangs his head. I don't want him banging his head & need to be there to catch him.
Maybe instead of saying that you didn't get to it you should be more specific. Something along the lines of "Well I spent the morning doing the dishes and I took LO to the playground. After her nap she was really fussy so I was busy playing with her. By the time she calmed down it was time for me to feed her snack and get dinner ready." Or whatever applies to you. That way he can better picture what "busy" means for you.
ETA: TB FAIL. That first part was supposed to quote Shawnee.
I have left the boys with DH on numerous occasions, I just think for him he is excited to get an entire day to hang out with his kids. It is impossible to understand the repetitiveness of the day in, day out process. Also, when I leave DH with them he doesn't get anything done. When I ask "why didn't you get anything done?" he says "well I didn't try cause I wanted to spend time with them, but I bet I could have if I tried."
Sometimes men are like talking to a brick wall. (sorry uws!)