Help! My SS won't quit lying!

MrsS81112 · December 2012

Hello,

i'm desperately seeking advice! My DH and I have been living together for almost 3 years now and we got married 4 months ago! My step son is 7 years old and my DH has had primary custody of him since he was 2 years old. He used to do every other weekend visitations with his BM, but my husband has had full custody for a year now (on Christmas it will be a year since SS has been with BM). She is not allowed to have any contact with SS. On Wednesday evening SS's teacher called our home and asked us to come to the school for a conference about his behaviours. As a teacher myself I knew how serious this must be! The teacher said she has had ongoing problems with SS lying in school. We have had the same problems with him lying at home as well. If he gets in trouble for something he will lie about it, blame another student, and continue to lie. The teacher said she is VERY concerned because she's never dealt with a child before that has continued to lie like this. Even if she says another teacher saw him do something he will still lie! When he's lying his story will change 100 times so it's easy to tell he is not telling the truth. We have had MANY talks with him about being honest and telling the truth. I am just completely out of ideas. I ordered 3 children's books off amazon last night where the theme of the story is being honest. I'm hoping that will help.I've also looked into contacting a child psychologist. I'm thinking that may help! I'm just hoping and praying this is a phase he will grow out of. BM has LOTS of mental health problems, so it worries me!I am open to advice/suggestions! Has anyone else had a similiar problem? Thank you!

Cheerilee · December 2012

Sometimes kids lie to make themselves sound more interesting. It sounds like he's lying about more than that but you may try making a point about how interesting things he says are when they are true. Ignore the lies. So if he says, "At soccer practice, I made 3 goals! Then they carried me off the field on their shoulders while chanting my name," you say, "Wow! Three goals! Tell me about how you scored the first one. Were you downfield or near the goal?" Say nothing about being carried off while chanting his name.

dor79 · December 2012

My godson is 7 and lies about everything. His stories are also sooo wild, you'd wonder where the kids gets this imagination.

MrsS81112 · December 2012

We've noticed "punishments" haven't worked for him, he closes up. So we've started a chart that if he tells the truth he gets to color in a star and once all the stars are colored he can earn a leappad gift card. We're praying and hoping that works.

To some of the PP's, it wouldn't be a big deal if they were little white lies. However, he's getting in big trouble at school and when the teacher asks why he make a negative choice he will lie and said he didn't do it. The teacher has said in all of her years of teaching she has never seen a child lie like him. So this has definitely become a HUGE issue. I'm just very frustrated because I feel like no matter what we do we can't get the truth out of him.

I feel as though he has lied so much trying to please his BM and his father throughout his life. He would go there and tell lies about us to make her happy. He would come home and tell lies about her to try to please us. I feel as though he has now lied so much that he feels he needs to lie to everyone as a way of making people happy. Hence why he lies to my parents, his teacher, his friends, etc.

We've talked to him about how that doesn't make us happy and we're pleased knowing the truth and no matter what we love him for him. I just don't know what else we can do. We're calling to set up an appointment with the psychologist on Monday.

guilletskichuk · December 2012

Both my SS, age 11, and SD, age 7, lie like pavement. They've been living with DH and I for the last 5 months and the lies have decreased dramatically since they moved in. When they were living with SD's BM (looong story...SS was living with her too because his BM hasn't been in the picture since he was a baby), they were also living with 5 other children (SD's half-sisters). Supervision was scarce. All 7 kids sought attention and never got it. They lied all the time and got away with it because no one was really paying attention. When they moved in with us, they thought they could continue getting away with their lies. Their lies ranged from petty things to situations that were fairly serious.

We've dealt with their lies in various ways. Time outs until they could tell us the truth have worked quite well. We've tried taking away privileges but it hasn't worked well at all (neither was giving them rewards and incentives for good behaviour and telling the truth). My DH decided to give SS lines to write as a form as discipline because he discovered that SS HATES writing lines. I didn't care for the idea at first (I'm a teacher and have waaaay more positive ideas up my sleeve than that) but I respected the fact that he IS SS's dad and should be making the ultimate decisions where parenting is involved. We openly communicate about how we parent the kids and are usually on board with each others ideas. I didn't like SS writing lines at first but...it IS working! We have found that it discourages SS from lying as often as he was.

However, the thing that works THE MOST with SS is asking him to think about what he's going to say before he says it. We find that SS lies the most about things that he has done or said. If we ask him to think about what he's going to say when we ask him about what he did or said, it gives him the opportunity to think more clearly instead of giving a rushed, false response.

SS has had troubles in school with his lying (aside from other things) but since his classroom is across the hall from mine, we are able to nip it in the bud a bit. His homeroom teacher and I work closely together and communicate about SS's behaviour on a regular basis. My colleague has also been communicating with my DH as well and that helps greatly so that not all of the pressure is on me. Keep working with the school and communicate with them frequently. Let them know what works and what doesn't work at home and hopefully they can use the same strategies.

SD has also been lying at school a lot. She attends a different school than the one where I teach so I'm not in the loop as much. We keep in touch with her teacher a lot though and are working with the staff at the school to help alleviate the lying problem. There is still a lot of work ahead for all of us...but we are confident that it will get better.

I wish you luck!

MrsS81112 · December 2012

Thank you!!
My DH has also been doing that too, "Now before you tell me what happened, I want you to think about it". It does seem to be helping. I have been emailing his teacher back and forth. She wants to have a "team meeting" tomorrow at school with the psychologist and principals. I'm a teacher too, currently subbing (trying to get hired at the local SD's). I know team meetings typically take place when trying to get a child identified for services. However, I'm unsure of what to expect at this team meeting for my SS. Would you happen to have any ideas guillet?

Thank you for sharing your ideas!

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