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July 2013 Moms
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Telling the In-laws

BCsSweetnessBCsSweetness member
in July 2013 Moms

Most of my family (including our 2 other children) will not find out until Christmas day that we are expecting #3.  I'll be 11 weeks.  We won't see DH parents, sister and BIL until New Years weekend.  We want to tell them in person since they live farther away, but I also know how they can get.  If they think they are the last to know, it won't be a pretty picture...  

On top of them being "the last to know", my SIL has been trying to get pg for years.  Like 4 years I think.  I did warn her this summer that we would be trying, and I know she'll be so excited but devastated also.  We had planned to tell her at Thanksgiving, but we felt she wouldn't keep it a secret from her mom.  

I guess the point of all this it what would you do?  Would you talk to her beforehand?  Or let her find out at the same time as everyone else?  I'm really struggling with this... 

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Re: Telling the In-laws

  • Carrie3102Carrie3102 member

    If it were me I'd pull her aside and tell her first, just so it's not a blow and she isn't sitting there with the WTF face, and then try to smile even if she wants to cry.  That way she can opt to leave the room when she knows you're getting ready to announce.

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  • dbealwaysdbealways
    Talk to SIL beforehand in person; we had a similar situation except BIL/SIL had been trying for 6 months we got pregnant after one try. Sit her down and show that you feel for her but hope that she's happy for you..she should be touched that you took the time to consider her feelings before telling everyone else
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  • solsburyhillsolsburyhill member

    I think telling SIL first, privately would be a nicer way to handle it?

    As for your ILs, do you skype with them?  Could you have the other kids skype their grandparents for Christmas and find a cute way to tell them?  Then they wouldn't be "left out".

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  • lls31lls31

    Can you wait to tell everyone at New Year's?  I know my family and I know my in-laws and we're kind of in the same boat when it comes to the "last to know" thing.  We don't want anyone to feel hurt, so we're waiting until both families are together and telling everyone at once.  

    As far as your SIL goes, I'm not really sure what to tell you to do.  Part of me wants to say to tell her when you tell everyone else, so she doesn't feel singled out or like you told her early out of pity.  But another part of me wants to say to tell her earlier so she's prepared for the family announcement.  

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  • BCsSweetnessBCsSweetness member

    On top of this...

     I just received a text from her (we were in a conversation) but it said that she's had 5 people just this week announce pregnancy.  And she started her period this week.  

     UGH!  My heart is just broken.  I wish we would have told her sooner but we were so afraid that she wouldn't keep the secret from her parents since they live together...   

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  • maggie2324maggie2324 member
    It is really important that you do not tell your SIL in person or on the phone. Send an email or a text at a time when you know she won't get it at work. Don't put her on the spot where she has to put on a happy face. Let her process it in her own time, so she can be happy for you. 
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  • ElinetrouwtElinetrouwt

    Definitely tell her beforehand. Telling her with everyone else present will be really hard for her.

    When I posted a similar question about telling friends, PGAL girls all told me to send an email instead of telling in person. Even if you feel this is not the way to go, give her a heads up.

    It is heartbreaking, isn't it? 

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  • almstherealmsthere

    As someone who has dealt with infertility herself, it never gets any easier to hear pregnancy announcements. (sorry, this is long)

    It tears your heart out of your chest everytime. It is imperative she not be put on the spot by just being told with everyone else. All eyes will be on her or people will be afraid to react. I would let her know the announcement is coming so she can excuse herself before hand. 

    As far as how/when to tell her, she's clearly open with you about the situation. That is a big deal. It is very hard to do. Your privacy is all you can control, and only those most trusted are in the inner circle. She has to be able to react (and invited but excused from baby showers later on, BTW). If you feel like she is able to have an honest reaction with you, then in person is great, however if you think that she will put on a happy face for you, then a quick call so she can hang up and burst into tears. If she's anything like I was, she won't want to tell anyone, so that wouldn't be my primary concern.

    You can't feel guilty though. As hard as it is for her to believe, it will be her someday. Even if it's not in the way she hopes for now. She will welcome her beautiful adopted child home or the 3rd IVF will take or she will rediscover her relationship with her husband in a new way. Something. Either way, she will love this niece/nephew so much it will shock her. She may distance herself for a while, she will need it, but when she's ready she will come around. 

    It is so kind of you to be thinking of her in this difficult time for her.  

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  • babystolibabystoli member
    Having had a loss, I would definitely want to know before everyone else. I would appreciate a phone call, honestly.

    But as pp mentioned, give her space. Let her bring up the pregnancy and let her start conversations with you.

    My SIL had her anatomy scan the day I took cytotec to induce the miscarriage. Seeing them afterwords was extremely difficult. I felt bad that I wasn't outwardly excited for them.

    Honestly, it was hard to be super excited for them until I was pregnant again.
    TTC since Feb 2012. Me: 39, DH: 37
    BFP #1 5/27/12- m/c 7/9/12 @ 10w2d (cytotec induced @11w).
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    BFP #2 11/18/12  EDD 7/27/13
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  • BCsSweetnessBCsSweetness member
    I went with your advice and emailed my SIL tonight. She had nothing to say to me. But did promise to not say anything so we could still tell my In laws as planned.

    I hate feeling like I did something wrong. I know this isn't about me... but it feels horrible. :
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