Home Birth Nay-sayers
This is a rant/ramble not really a question. I thought I was prepared for naysayers...
Until this evening I have been able to say something like, "We've done thorough research, we are working with medical professionals, and we have an emergency plan in place." Until today, we haven't met anyone we couldn't get to consider that we are making an educated decision about planning a home birth.
Then we have a brief convo with my husbands grandparents and it comes up that we're using midwives and 'oh, does that mean you're having a home birth?" Well, if all is normal, that is the plan. Then comes the, "We've come so far, you know the leading cause of death for women and children used to be birth." We knod, say we understand that but that we've done our research and believe this is the safest ---. Cut off by grandpa. A usually rational man with a polite demeanor.
My husband loves his grandfather and more important than that, has the utmost respect and would never disrespect, talk back, and rarely disagrees with him to his face. I was proud when he started quoting the Business of Being Born (that he watched over a year ago) and providing statistics and relevant data. Telling him about our midwives background, their ability to transfer with us, etc. Nope, nothing was getting thought that thick skull of his. At all times we were calm and never flustered, til we left. As we drove home hubby said, "Well, he sits on the board of trustees at a hospital with a 30% c-section rate, of course he can't see past the emergency of it all. He wasn't allowed at the birth of his kids way back in the 50's so why would we assume he has a clue now."
We're so disappointed that someone so close to us thinks we're stupid or that we'd risk the life of our baby because of some granola pamphlet or fad. It blind sighted me, I didn't realize how upsetting it would be.
For everyone else who is looking at home birth and has naysayers around you, I wish you the greatest of luck at biting your tongue and keeping your cool. I hope your statistics and information can get past your lips fast enough or that you're better than we were tonight in diverting the conversation.
We all just want the best for our babies and families, however we decide to bring our babies into this world, or however they need to come into this world as it is not always our first choice path. I now must dive back into my Ina May books and natural childbirth focused books to refocus my energy toward a healthy, confident birth.
Good night.
Re: Home Birth Nay-sayers
DH and I recently had an encounter with a newly married couple (friends of friends) who will eventually have kids but aren't trying yet. I said something about my midwife and the husband says "You aren't going to a Doctor?" So it started DH and I on our soapbox, and The Business of Being Born etc. Both parties of the couple could NOT understand what we were saying at all. The wife said that in her family people only ALWAYS have scheduled c-sections. No one in her family has EVER labored a baby!? Seriously!?
They asked me nearly a hundred times "But why?". We left the conversation with a "Everyone has a plan that works for them."
I know how frustrating it can be. My mother and sister can't even really get on board with the idea. DH and I know its right for us and our child and that's what we will do.
I hope it gets easier for you!
It's interesting you mentioned his grandpa not being present at the births of his own kids. When I brought up my NB wishes to my family, they all thought I was nuts. I told my Grandmother that I thought she would understand, that if she did it, then I could too. She told me that she was "put under" for the labor and birth and remembers nothing, and my Papa wasn't there until after the babies were born. I didn't realize that went on in the 50s, not at least to anyone I knew.
My family is becoming more supportive, because they know I've done my research and know what I want this time. I hope you get the birth you want so they can see that it is natural AND safe.
Thank you all, we went to bed annoyed, I just hope he drops it. Christmas could be very contentious and I have bigger things to deal with. Like making cookies!
I don't know if his grandmother was a twilight sleeper at that time but in the 50's men still waited, chain smoking I'm sure, in the waiting room until a nurse brought their baby to the nursery window. Men were still considered useless and not allowed in the maternity ward in a lot of the country until the 70's. Some may still be useless but at least they recognize that the father or partner should be in the room.
Just because grampa doesn't agree with you doesn't make him wrong.
He doesn't have a 'thick skull' he has a lifetime of experience and apparently a seat on a hospital board. Yeah, that might colour his opinions but how is that less valid than your viewing of 'The Business of Being Born'?
If you're not prepared for a dialogue about your choices, don't bring up.
I just had a homebirth in July and for this very reason we kept our birth choices to ourselves. I considered us educated, well informed decision makers and didn't need to justify our rationale to anyone. We shared on an as-needed basis and made it very public after the birth. I'm all about home-birth advocacy and at the time didn't feel like I wanted to advertise our plans.
I'm in Portland - birthed w/ Vivante. Are you in the metro area? I totally have a bunch of "Born at Home" onesies for a newborns that were handmade for me; I'd be happy to share!
I would agree with this. I saw 'The Business of Being Born' and I have seen stats people quote on the safety of home birth and for me, it's not enough. I would not have one as the risk is still too great for me comfort.
This man may or may not know the risks and benefits but just because he doesn't agree doesn't mean he's wrong. He just has a different opinion. I don't think it would be fair for him to shove that opinion down your throat but at the same time you shouldn't expect him to suddenly side with your opinion.
EDIT My point was you made an informed choice so be happy with your choice. Many people may not support you and so you can either limit who you tell or be prepared for people to disagree. If he tries to bring it up again I would change the subject. Leave it at you have looked at your options and you will go with what you feel is best.
I also want to bring up the whole "all that matters is if you have a healthy baby in the end"--don't get me wrong *that* is the goal--but telling me that to do that I have to go against my intuition as a mother? eff that! I'll take my healthy baby without a side of psychological damage please. I bet they were saying that when they did the twilight sleep stuff too!
I also mean no disrespect to mothers who have made choices that are not my own--my point is a mothers intuition should be trusted.
I actually have read and researched beyond the Business of Being Born, extensively, for 3 years. I was just proud of hubby for remembering the info and speaking up.
Maybe I didn't clarify but he brought it up not us. We didn't actually intend to talk about this with them, not that I don't have the info and current stats to support our beliefs. My father in law told them that we were planning a home birth a few weeks before and looking back he intentionally steered the conversation to bring it up. We are prepared for the dialogue but I was not prepared to be talked down to and interrupted at every turn. The "thick skull" reference was not because he is not educated about current birth statistics and issues, it was regarding his unwillingness to listen during a conversation, especially one he started.
OMG! I'm with Vivante!!! So far everything with them has been great. I am west of PDX in Forest Grove, about 45 min drive. I may take you up on those onesies.
Even better I'm in Hillsboro!
If you want to meet and chat about the birth experience I'm an open book! We absolutely LOVED our experience with them. (Amy Jo, Linda and the student midwife attended our birth and Amy Jo and my hubby caught him!)
I guess I just don't understand how a home birth can be an educated choice. There is NO emergency service that is going to be fast enough if something is wrong with the baby. You might not know ahead of time that something is wrong with the baby. IF the baby can't breathe or has trouble coming each second is vital. So I'm a nay-sayer. Having a hospital birth doesn't mean that you have to take drugs etc. What it does mean is that your baby is in the best place it can be in the case of an emergency. I just don't see how a home birth can compete with that. Also, once you have the baby, you could leave right after if you choose to.
This also applies to the mother as well, if something goes wrong she made need emergency medical care as well.
I'm happy to have a hospital birth because I'll be putting my child in the best possible situation and not let to be sitting there wondering what if