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All this "MOM" discourse makes me a bit crazy....

ManadaManada member
in LGBT Parenting

As someone who may, or may not, eventually be able to carry any of our babies - I am really struggling with all the MOM talk around the holidays. 

Yes, my Partner-Love and I will both be our kids' moms -- and at the same time we're not sure if that "MOM"-word, as it's often heteronormatively defined, is one that we both identify with.   Parent is probably a more appropriate word, but we both like the Mom/Mama/Mommy familiar titles and will probably use them :)

 

But the other night, at a gathering, I was totally triggered by some people going around the room saying what they were thankful for - and so much of it was a "I'm so glad for my mom, for carrying me, you only get one mum", and "I'm so glad for the experience of carrying and growing my babies, and understanding what it's like to be a woman by having this experience".........   

 

Me:  This winter I'm so grateful for my partner-love, and our village who supports us in this crazy, painful, sometimes terrifying and exciting journey we are on. 

I'm also totally terrified about the strength all that heteronormative, biological MOM discourse has in our world, and how we - as queer/lesbian/bi/trans/gay parents can navigate that, especially for the non-biological or non-carrying parents who often get left out in the cold by the comments above.....   I don't want that for my partner, if I should get pregnant, and I certainly know it makes me sad!

 

Just my little rant for the day.....  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

image

Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

image

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Re: All this &amp;quot;MOM&amp;quot; discourse makes me a bit crazy....

  • 2brides2brides member

    I am sorry....

    FWIW - I have found that a lot of that cultural stuff about biological connections, the community identifying the biological mother as the "real" mother tends to dissipate once you get past that initial baby stage. No one at my kids' school/soccer team/camp/etc was around when I was pregnant and thus doesn't know who has a biological connection and who doesn't. And parents tend to stop talking about pregnancy, breastfeeding,  etc as kids get older and discussions trend towards homework, after school activities, behavior, etc.

    Smile 

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
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  • ManadaManada member
    image2brides:
    I am sorry....[:]nbsp;


    Oh! I don't want to make anyone here feel like you've done anything! I specifically talking about inperson incidences....
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

    Report Reply
  • ManadaManada member
    image2brides:
    I am sorry....[:]nbsp;


    Oh! I don't want to make anyone here feel like you've done anything! I specifically talking about inperson incidences....
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

    Report Reply
  • 2brides2brides member
    No..I meant sorry you are feeling this way. :) It is a very legitimate concern, but I was just giving my perspective as the mom of some of the older kids on here! :)
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
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  • leapgirl8leapgirl8 member
    Even at just 7 months out, and with Jen still breastfeeding, it doesn't seem to matter much that I'm the non-bio mom. I think it really depends on the two of you and how you approach it and feel about it. I feel very-extremely-crazily bonded with both babies. Can I say for sure that I am AS bonded with them as Jen is, or that they feel AS connected to me as they feel to Jen? No. I'm not her, or them, and they aren't me. But I can tell that they feel loved and comforted by me, they're happy to see me, I make them laugh, they trust me and they know that I am, in a word, mom. THAT is what matters to me. THAT is what defines being a mom. And the other important people in my life - Jen, my family, our friends, even her conservative family - see me as a mom and treat me that way. It leaves me very little room to doubt myself or feel defensive or worried about it - and for that I'm grateful to all of them. 
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  • mollykelleymollykelley member
    I find this whole conversation so interesting. Being in the beginning of our journey to parenthood, I haven't thought about this very much. But this is exactly the types of conversations I hoped to see on this Lgbt board. Thanks for sharing all!
    M&K met 8/2002 married 6/2012
    TTC with RE since March 2012
    3 missed O's, 6 IUIs = 1 BFP then 8 w M/C, 5 BFNs
    (2 unmedicated IUIs, 2 clomid IUI, 2 femara IUI)
    Shared maternity/partner IVF, transfer #1 BFP!
    EDD 11/28/13
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