BM asking the boys for money

lily_721 · December 2012

BM wants the boys to mail her cash and she will buy the gifts for their other siblings. She has "requested" that they each send $40. Both of the boys have jobs. SS2 has the money while SS1 owes DH money for his car.

We are completely against sending her any type of cash. She will use this money for whatever and never give their siblings any gift from the boys.

She also doesn't have custody of the other children. In past years, we send gifts directly to the children's new family. She only sees the younger children once every other month for a few hours of supervised visitation. Maybe it is petty but I don't want the younger children to view their BM and the means to connect with their older siblings. She is so manipulative with relationships. Their new/adopted mother and I keep the kids in contact with letters, pictures, and cards.

SS2 does not want to send his mother the money. He wants to pick out his own gifts.

What do I do about SS1? He really doesn't have the money -- and have never spent that much in previous years (usually $10 each). SS1 always follows whatever BM says and wants to send her this money.

HisChamaoleGirl · December 2012

lily_721:

BM wants the boys to mail her cash and she will buy the gifts for their other siblings. She has "requested" that they each send $40. Both of the boys have jobs. SS2 has the money while SS1 owes DH money for his car.

We are completely against sending her any type of cash. She will use this money for whatever and never give their siblings any gift from the boys.

She also doesn't have custody of the other children. In past years, we send gifts directly to the children's new family. She only sees the younger children once every other month for a few hours of supervised visitation. Maybe it is petty but I don't want the younger children to view their BM and the means to connect with their older siblings. She is so manipulative with relationships. Their new/adopted mother and I keep the kids in contact with letters, pictures, and cards.

SS2 does not want to send his mother the money. He wants to pick out his own gifts.

What do I do about SS1? He really doesn't have the money -- and have never spent that much in previous years (usually $10 each). SS1 always follows whatever BM says and wants to send her this money.

I'm sorry, I don't remember your exact story. How old are your SS?

Hopeforthebest · December 2012

I'd have SS1 go pick out his gifts and send them directly to the younger siblings since you already have an established relationship void of BM.

As for SS2 I don't know the story so take this advice with a grain of salt, but I might be inclinded to suggest to him that if he'd like to pick a gift for the younger siblings (within a dollar range you decide/agree upon) you purchase it (in essence fronting him the money NOT CASH though), being that it is Christmas and that way he sends a gift too, and you avoid entangling him anymore with BM and $$.

FutureMrsWittig · December 2012

I would just explain to SS1 that it's really not safe to send cash in the mail and with Christmas so close sending gifts directly to his siblings is the best course of action to get them there in time, so you'll take him and SS2 out to pick out gifts and send those instead.

lookame3639 · December 2012

It's much more personal to send gifts rather than cash and/or gift cards. I would allow the one SS to go and choose which gifts he'd like to get the children and send them along. Discuss with the other SS how it's much better to pick out a gift he thinks the kids would like and send them along. If he needs help you can go with him and offer advice, if he needs monitary assitance you can help out and state it is to be repaid in some way(doing extra chores or something like that).?

lily_721 · December 2012

MelRC117:

FutureMrsWittig:
I would just explain to SS1 that it's really not safe to send cash in the mail and with Christmas so close sending gifts directly to his siblings is the best course of action to get them there in time, so you'll take him and SS2 out to pick out gifts and send those instead.

That is a very good point.

I am going to tell him this.

Boys are 16 and 18. They both have jobs. SS1 owes DH money for his car repairs. I will send them to the store this week to pick out gifts in the $10 range. We have the box already so I will tell them it needs to fit in the shipping box. And I will ship directly to their siblings' new family.

lily_721 · December 2012

UPDATE: I sent the boys out on a shopping adventure with instructions to spend $10 per sibling. I showed them the box and said all the gifts need to fit inside it. No issues with SS1 -- he happily went along with it.

DH also spoke with him that it would be nicer for the younger siblings to open the gifts on Christmas with their new family rather than waiting for BM's next visitation (which she usually cancels anyway).

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BM asking the boys for money

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