Experience of nonbio moms

StacyLH24 · December 2012

My wife and I are hoping to begin actively TTC some time after the new year. In my obsessive nature, I have started reading stories of others, etc. I keep coming across stories from nonbio moms who worry about the connection with the children as they aren't related biologically. Is this true for every nonbio mom? I will be the one to carry, and if I can't then we will adopt. My wife assures me that under no circumstances does she want to carry. I don't want her to feel like she is an outsider to our children. Are there any nonbio moms who have not ever felt this way in their families?

Manada · December 2012

I am not a parent yet, and while our original/ideal plan is to both carry a pregnancy the evolution of all this fertility stuff for me has really made me confront the bio/nonbio mom question.

It is hard, and scary, especially when the bulk of the legal system and our social understandings privilege a bio mom over a non bio mom. It's so ingrained that most people don't even notice it.

For me the prospect of being a nonbio mom also brings with it the idea of seeing the little person who looks like my partnerlove, and who I see in her. It feels like more of her to love from the outset the chance to parent as well. I really love that idea and for me it helps to balance out the insecurity...

FWIW I hear it matters a lot less when kids get older ....

2brides · December 2012

Manada:
also brings with it the idea of seeing the little person who looks like my partnerlove, ....

You never know. Not a single person has said that our kids look like me and yet, they tell my wife they look like her ALL of the time...yesterday in fact. And behaviorally/stylistically one of my kids is a replica of my wife.

JoySeattle · December 2012

I can't speak from the nonbio mom perspective, but for my wife this isn't a concern. She has no (nada, zip, zlich) interest in carrying and is happy with our choices- me carrying, a donor to match her race and ethnicity, our being legally married and her being able to be on the birth certificate right away, and then doing a legal parentage action (like a second-parent adoption but easier). If our state didn't offer the last two, it may be different, but it's just not something I/she/we worry about. Of course there may be times in the future when our kids are closer to one of us than the other, but that happens regardless of gender of the parents.

LolaBelle515 · December 2012

As the non-bio mom, I can tell you that I cannot imagine loving my son more or feeling closer to him. We have a very special connection that is based on the last 7 months together and all of the preparing I did for him while he was in the womb.

Of course, there will be folks that may struggle with not having a biological connection to their child...but, if your wife does not anticipate this, I would not worry about it. Trust her.

I will say this: when I went back to work, and my wife (the carrier) was home alone all day with our kiddo and breastfeeding him, I did, for a short while, feel like a bit of a B Parent. She knew what to do for him because I wasn't there all day. She could feed him and I couldn't. She, as she acknowledges, became a bit controlling for a short time.

What I can tell you is that, if this happens, it can change and it can change quickly. AND, much of it happened because I went back to work...not because I didn't carry. When they are nursing 8 hours a day....yes, your roles are going to be different. But, that doesn't last long and you develop different roles as parents. I am the nap whisperer, the storytime mom, and the peek-a-boo queen in our house:) My son loves these things about me--and your kiddo(s) will have that relationship with your partner, too:)

By the way, my favorite book on non-biological parenting (from the spouse of a partner who carried, rather than a family that welcomed children through adoption) is "She Looks Just Like You: A Memoir of Non-biological Lesiban Parenthood." Two thumbs up.

clairmeij · December 2012

JoySeattle:
I can't speak from the nonbio mom perspective, but for my wife this isn't a concern. She has no (nada, zip, zlich) interest in carrying and is happy with our choices- me carrying, a donor to match her race and ethnicity, our being legally married and her being able to be on the birth certificate right away, and then doing a legal parentage action (like a second-parent adoption but easier). If our state didn't offer the last two, it may be different, but it's just not something I/she/we worry about. Of course there may be times in the future when our kids are closer to one of us than the other, but that happens regardless of gender of the parents.

Apart from the legal marriage, which I hope we can do at some point in Co, I could have written this.

leapgirl8 · December 2012

You probably read the "mom discourse" question below, and I think my answer to that question fits here too.

When Jen first got pregnant, after the initial joy and excitement, I did feel a little bit disconnected. Like this was happening in a whole other body and had nothing to do with me. It was strange. But after a week or so I came back to reality, and that feeling never returned.

I have never felt like an outsider since then, and I know that the babies don't see me as one. Babies can't fake it. They aren't pretending to feel comforted by me or happy to see me to make me feel better about my womb's lack of participation. Even in the beginning when it was a lot of breastfeeding, all day every day, Jen was so exhausted that I was pretty much doing everything else (diapers, supplement feeding with finger and syringe, swaddling, dressing, rocking), so our love and closeness started growing immediately. I don't know what it's like to have a bio child - maybe there is something "more" there. But I cannot imagine loving them any more intensely or feeling closer to them or more connected to them.

I read "Confessions of the Other Mother," and I really liked it - but I'm glad I waited until after the kids were here. I think I would have done a lot of unnecessary worrying. I remember one story was about a couple who each had a bio child, and each mother was, for lack of a better word, the "primary" parent for their own bio child and got to make all of the final decisions for that one child. This struck me as so very strange. I'm sensitive to criticizing other parents b/c I have an inkling now of how hard it is and how by-the-seat-of-your-pants things are (which I know will grow as they age!), but it just seemed really strange. Our babies are OURS, not Jen's, and they have been from the day they were conceived.

StacyLH24 · December 2012

I just finished reading "Confessions of the other Mother" and that was where my concerns ultimately manifested from.

It is great to hear that those aren't the experiences of all nonbio moms.

only1leia · December 2012

I LOVE all these answers! I also read "Confessions of the Other Mother" and felt that much of the bonding was through breastfeeding. So I looked into it, and have decided to try "induced lactation" basically forcing your boobs to make milk even though you haven't been carrying a baby around. I don't know how well it will work since I do need to be on medication for epilepsy (will be getting a "safe" medication for pregnant/breastfeeding hopefully tomorrow so the old stuff is out). If I can lactate, and do it safely (ultimate win) that will be the plan, otherwise there is an SNS device you can buy online which is basically a tube you tape to your breast and fill with breast milk so they are getting nutrition and also have that connection.

I've wanted kids forever, the first thought of certainty was when I was 16, so I know I will love our baby no matter what. Plus, babies are cute!

2brides · December 2012

only1leia:
I LOVE all these answers! I also read "Confessions of the Other Mother" and felt that much of the bonding was through breastfeeding. So I looked into it, and have decided to try "induced lactation" basically forcing your boobs to make milk even though you haven't been carrying a baby around. I don't know how well it will work since I do need to be on medication for epilepsy (will be getting a "safe" medication for pregnant/breastfeeding hopefully tomorrow so the old stuff is out). If I can lactate, and do it safely (ultimate win) that will be the plan, otherwise there is an SNS device you can buy online which is basically a tube you tape to your breast and fill with breast milk so they are getting nutrition and also have that connection.
I've wanted kids forever, the first thought of certainty was when I was 16, so I know I will love our baby no matter what. Plus, babies are cute!

We invesigated inducing lactation in my wife. In the end, we opted not to do it since the medication necessary had cardiac risks and my wife has a mild cardiac issues that we didn't feel was worth risking. I have heard of women who had good sucess inducing lactation and have friends for whom it didn't work at all.

Jack Newman has a lot of information on his site.

https://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=11:breastfeeding-your-adopted-baby-or-baby-born-by-surrogategestational-carrier&catid=5:information&Itemid=17

only1leia · December 2012

2brides:
We invesigated inducing lactation in my wife. In the end, we opted not to do it since the medication necessary had cardiac risks and my wife has a mild cardiac issues that we didn't feel was worth risking. I have heard of women who had good sucess inducing lactation and have friends for whom it didn't work at all.
Jack Newman has a lot of information on his site.
https://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=11:breastfeeding-your-adopted-baby-or-baby-born-by-surrogategestational-carrier&catid=5:information&Itemid=17

Awesome information! If I can, I'd like to do it without the medications. There are ways with herbs like thistle and mother's milk, plus pumping. I've been talking to someone that does consultations so hopefully I can get something figured out that will work.

Manada · December 2012

We too have looked at inducing lactation, those discussions have fallen away from us recently, but it is definitely something we will look into when one of us becomes pregnant I think.... If not I think I am also totally on board with the SNS tube feeding systems and doing a lot of pumping.

We are lucky in Toronto because Dr Newman's clinic is here.... But I have heard the La Leche leagues have lots of good info too if you can get past their heteronormativity...

JoySeattle · December 2012

Speaking professionally, inducing lactation takes a lot of dedication. It's hard to predict results, but without medications and diligence in a pumping schedule it's unlikely to result in more than a very small amount of milk -- not that a small amount can't be significant emotionally or for non-nutritive suckling. Please feel free to page/PM me if you have more specific questions about that or the SNS when the time comes.

2moms2twins · December 2012

lucubratrix:
We've taken turns being bio and nonbio moms, and I will say that it takes a LOT of effort to overcome inherent baby preference for the lactating parent, especially if the lactating parent is also the one staying home with the kid(s). You just need to keep doggedly at it and during periods of favoritism just offer the nongestational parent for comfort whenever they're around, and don't take the favoritism seriously, even though your baby might be a complete and utter berk about it sometimes. It too will pass, but only if you work at establishing equal parenting roles and authorities.
The biomom should make efforts to include the nonbiomom as an equal authority in any and all aspects of baby care that don't involve the boob (yeah, even when postpartum hormones are raging!), even when society at large will sort of want to slot the nonbiomom in the "dad, and thus less involved" role. I especially think the biomom should take great effort not to employ boobs as a soothing mechanism for situations not involving hunger, very especially after the first itsy bitsy newborn blob stage, because if the boob features prominently as a comfort-giver and not just a method of food transfer, then the nonlactating parent can be out of luck in terms of soothing the baby because they just don't have the apparatus.
There is a lot of unspoken bias where the outside world tends to acknowledge the biomom as more the "real" mom, and you as a unit need to just lean gently against that. Have the nonbiomom hold the kid in the holiday photo and answer questions of random strangers about the baby, for example.
We might get more of the "oh, yours/hers" because DS#1 looks a lot like my wife, and DS#2 looks a lot like me, to the point that random strangers wonder out loud how DS#1 is really my son when I am out with him alone. It was important to us to use the same KD for both kids, so we didn't do the "pick donor to closely resemble nonbiomom" thing at all.
Anyway, having experienced both, I really and truly don't think there's any iota difference between my biomom and nonbiomom connection to my two sons, and neither does the wife... but we definitely had to fight for that at times when the baby was like, "uh, no thank you, nonbiomom, if you hold me I will scream my fool head off". Yeah, they both went through this uncharming phase, and emerged on the other side being equally bonded to both of their parents. That is definitely outsider-y feeling-inducing, and it is horrible and awful and it helps if you can laugh about how your baby is being the biggest stinker in the world and they just don't get to chose which parent is going to be taking care of them.

I would say I agree with most of this ...

2moms2twins · December 2012

I am a non -bio mom.

This was a major thorn in my side i was riddled with anxiety and what if and hows and buts.... and so worried about it all as soon as those two babes were pulled from DW womb it all went out the door ( most of it ) I was 100% these babiy girls mom. My maternal instinct to day ( they are 17 mo old yesterday ) is still as sharp as it was that day.

I really was an issue i had that i almost went for counseling and I kept proclaiming but you dont know what its like to not be connected ... and there is something minor about that something that is only shared among non bio moms that bio mom just dont get. M wanted to exclusively breast feed and i supported her but it worried me cuz i was worried i would loose my time my connection. So we devised a schedule I did night feedings ( well we ended up with twins so things changed) but she new it was sensitive and she did both breast and pumped and then one baby was over the breast thing.

Now at 17months one prefers me over her and they switch we thought we were doing something wrong but its just them .. someone told me when they get hurt they will seek her over me and that happend once and I was crushed but I got over it and now we are all fair game. L is super clingy to me look just like DW but has my personality to a T and S looks just like me and has DW personality.

I am very butch with Trans issues and had NO DESIRE to BIRTH a CHILD but something changed I think the idea of growing a human is amazing still a lil weary on the Birth part but I do all of the sudden have a drive to have a child but I always wanted a child to be biologically connected but with our Having it. So things can change .. when we were having trouble TTC and it was fail after fail I said I can do it I will take on for the team because we wanted it so bad... and I would have ( i think)

If you want to talk more please PM - I am open book about this - I feel there is so much that is lost and misunderstood ... and sadly my wife could not really understand because she is Bio Mom.

Like a previous poster said - once the girls were her i stepped in to THESE ARE MY KIDS and i kinda shoved DW asside it was lil much at first but i was new and these were OUR babies MINE! i think it lasted a week but when we go out I am the one who answers questions but I am also the more talkative one.

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