Christmas with the family - long - but need advice/sugg.

poobear2015 · December 2012

I just had a discussion with my mother and I'm extremely agitated over family at the moment. Christmas growing up always went like this: dinner/gifts at my mom's parents, home to bed, morning breakfast/gifts at home, church by noon, dad's parents by 3 for dinner and presents. Simple. But now we have a family of our own and grandparents are sick, etc. So all the events for christmas consist of:

-eve: dinner/gifts at moms parents, DH's family goes to dinner at a restaurant and dessert/drinks after at aunts (mom's sister).

- morning breakfast/gifts with my family

-day dinner and gifts at cousins house for dad's family since my grandpa is in a home. DH's parents have gift opening and dinner at their house with his mom's parents.

We cannot do all of these things. DH even said every other year, one of us should take Hayley and just split up on christmas. Its too dang much! We are beginning to hate christmas.

The problem is - both DH and I are people pleasers and we have issues when we try to make it fair. I just want to avoid a fight with him and our families. So this year, we are going to my mom's parents for dinner/presents and visiting my dad's dad in the home (skipping my cousins place so we wont see my aunts/uncles/cousins who are all grown up), then we go over to DH's aunt's for the drinks/desserts.

My mother finds this to be just wrong and not fair and she tells me to "stand up for myself". How is this not fair? I see my aunts/uncles/cousins on my moms side - so why shouldn't he? we both skip our dad's side of the family (except for my grandpa).

Well, I suggest next year, my mom get to make christmas dinner and we all just visit my mom's mom before dinner time. She said absolutely not. She can't skip her parents - she is "not allowed - it is expected of her"...am I wrong to throw back in her face "well stand up to her"? In truth - this idea comes from DH because he wants to have a christmas morning with just me and Hayley so he can watch her excitement with santa, etc - since this year my parents/brothers are coming to our place for breakfast/gifts. I told my mom this. She said "well we were never allowed!" and meanwhile, we always did just my parents and brothers until church at noon...so how was she "not allowed?"

Ok - sorry it was so long. Now who is being the crazy nutty one? If it's me, tell me I'm wrong - I do need to hear it. I'm just at a loss! I'm finding myself looking forward to the day where (gulp) we don't have any grandparents to have to worry about and it's just 2 places to visit on christmas. I can't stand that thinking - but this craziness has done this to me! Christmas should be a week long holiday so that the true reason for it isn't brushed under the rug and people arent driving around angry all 2 days like crazies.

I guess what I am looking for is advice on how to handle this - suggestions for my stubborn mule mother - or ways to please everyone so DH and I don't argue over this.

Thank you! Sorry for the novella.

MrMrsandBaby · December 2012

You mom is pissing me off...can't imagine how you feel.

We say it over and over...having a baby means you get to set your own traditions. If you decide to do XYZ, no one has the right to tell you no! Do what you and DH are comfortable doing. Whatever makes you happy...it is your family and you get to decide what is best for it.

I'm a people pleaser too but sometimes my mom way oversteps and it sounds like you have the same problem. Don't open it for discussion, just state what you are doing and if she doesn't like it, well, that is her problem, not yours.

ETA: by "your family" I mean you, DH and LO.

allisons1014 · December 2012

I think you have to do what's best for your family - meaning your DH and your DD.

My family and DH's families (they are divorced and remarried) are all in town. Plus he has 2 living grandmothers. My grandparents have all passed away.

We try our best to see all of them but it's not always on Christmas. We spend Thanksgiving with my extended family so I get to visit with them all there. Then we do Christmas Eve with DH's Dad and Christmas Day with DH's mom.

We spend a couple of days with my parents and my sisters either the weekend before Christmas or the weekend after. Since my sisters are both married and have children, we decided that it's more important to us to have extended time together vs. getting together on the actual holiday.

Seeing your immediate family is important. Making time for extended family is nice if you can squeeze it in. But I think a meaningful visit is way more important than one that is rushed. Sometimes stretching things out on another day is just easier.

More importantly remember that the person you need to please the most is your DD. Think about the way you want her to spend the holidays each year and spend the next few years setting those plans into motion. Even if you have to ease into it so that your mom and IL's aren't too disappointed.

mle5d · December 2012

I think you all just need to decide what works best for your little family, and the rest of the family can work around. Since DH and I got married, we have split holidays. If one family gets Thanksgiving, the other gets Christmas. But our famililies are in different states.

Could you propose that one family gets Christmas eve events, and the other gets Christmas afternoon, and then you all have Christmas morning just the three of you?

Just a thought...I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The holidays seem to bring out the worst in people sometimes!

pinkshades05 · December 2012

Ugh how annoying! Your mom is nutty. I think she feels obligated to her parents and wants to pull you into it, too. Also, you are now first a wife and mother and second a daughter. Always put your spouse and child first! And that means creating a holiday that works for you and she should be thankful that you want to spend any part of that day with you!

goldenleaves · December 2012

We've just stopped pleasing everyone. We've been together for 10 years am had kids for 3. I finally said X is important to me, DH said X is important to him and we put those things first. We split up the rest if we have time. We will still go to my mom and dads Christmas morning but after we open gifts here. And we do dinner with his family. I compromise on pretty much every holiday in order to get Christmas Eve at my grandmas house.

Is my mom pissed that we won't be over early in the morning and then back for dinner? Yep! Is MIL mad that we won't be there for Christmas Eve? Yep! But we are our own family unit now and we get to decide.

kristin172429 · December 2012

Set your priorities for you, DH, and LO. If you want Christmas morning with just you guys, do it! Have people come over a little later so you have a little time with to spend with Hayley before the madness descends! Wink

Out of all of these gatherings between the families, figure out what are most important to you and DH. Don't split up your family to meet other family obligations! And figure out how you could see family on other days. My family doesn't get together with all the cousins now that we are all grown and have families of our own. Instead, we have a New Year's Day gathering where we get to see everyone.

Good luck!

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Christmas with the family - long - but need advice/sugg.

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