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Nothing we can do?

FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
in Blended Families

I know this is a question for DHs attorney, but I thought maybe you all would have some thoughts and ideas too.

I was talking on the phone with BM last night, making plans for the weekend (we're going to try and take all our kids to see Santa at once because BM wants me to take pictures).  I hear kids screaming in the background off and on.  Then all of a sudden I hear SD (9) start crying.  I then hear BM's husband yelling.  His exact words were "Shut up.  I didn't even hear him hit you.  It couldn't have hurt that bad."  I'm assuming "him" was SDs little brother (he's two).  She's still crying and says "He hit me in my eye!"  StepFather replies "I didn't hear anything, you're fine, stop crying!"  BM asks me if I will talk to SD.  I do, and she calmed down.  Then she says she has to go, they are at Mommy's work, getting ready to drop her off.

This is frustrating on so many levels.  SD is quite a bit older than her other siblings (5, 2, and 1 at BM's and almost 18months at our house), but I feel like BMs kids are always wailing on her and she's not allowed to do anything about it.  She isn't allowed to spend time in her room when she is with BM, she has to be with her family, which I would agree with, except she has expressed that she is constantly getting her hair pulled, getting hit, punched, and poked.  And NO ONE in the house (BM, SF, or SF's parents who they live with) will do anything about it.

I know we can't tell BM how to parent her kids.  I hesitate to tell SD to whop her brother and sisters right back since they're so much younger than her, but she is coming home with bruises from these kids...  So is there really nothing we can do here?

 

Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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Re: Nothing we can do?

  • mom2onemom2one member
    No.
    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
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  • Karma1969Karma1969 member
      Sounds sucky for the girl  but out of your control.
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    imageKarma1969:
      Sounds sucky for the girl  but out of your control.

    You're probably right.  What do we tell her when she asks us what to do?  I'm at a loss here.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • jnjmommy0609jnjmommy0609
    Well he sounds like an f*cking beast. To be blunt there is a lot of people on here so it's hard to tell who has an okay relationship with the ex's but would it really be out of line for your DH to say something? Is she known to fly off the handle? Because I hardly call what that dude was doing parenting. Sounds like border line emotional abuse to me.
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  • sweetwalkssweetwalks member
    imagejnjmommy0609:
    Well he sounds like an fcking beast. To be blunt there is a lot of people on here so it's hard to tell who has an okay relationship with the ex's but would it really be out of line for your DH to say something? Is she known to fly off the handle? Because I hardly call what that dude was doing parenting. Sounds like border line emotional abuse to me.


    This!
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    imagejnjmommy0609:
    Well he sounds like an f*cking beast. To be blunt there is a lot of people on here so it's hard to tell who has an okay relationship with the ex's but would it really be out of line for your DH to say something? Is she known to fly off the handle? Because I hardly call what that dude was doing parenting. Sounds like border line emotional abuse to me.

    DH and I have a hard time viewing SF as a parent to anyone.  He's hardly ever home, uses money they don't have to go bowling, chew tobacco and drink, and doesn't participate in any of the kids things (recitals, school events, nothing).  And for the most part, we get along with BM.  But she is incredibly defensive of her H.  She absolutely would fly off the handle.

    To top things off the guy is 6ft 5in and about 260lbs.  He's a large dude.  And naturally loud, so it sounds like he's yelling all the time.

    DH got SD an appointment with her counselor.  Maybe she'll have some ideas.  This sucks.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    Dh will tell BM when he disagrees with her parenting every time. After years of ignoring the problem, trying to stay friendly, trying to take the high road we are over it and BM gets an earfull from time to time. I wouldn't expect things to drastically change but my Dh frequently tells BM that SS will be able to decide who he does and doesn't want in his life when he's older so she should keep that in mind with regard to how he's treated in her home. She doesnt get it but that's her problem. I wouldn't let my parents or any other adult treat my SS like a second class citizen so Dh is not going to allow BM to treat him that way either.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    No, I don't think there's anything you can do. I understand where you're coming from, but I think encouraging her to fight back with a kid smaller than her is asking for trouble. Encourage her to walk away, go to the other side of the room, remove herself from the situation.

    Another thing you could think about--enroll her in a martial art. DS does taekwondo and he's learned a lot about how to defend himself and handle himself around people.

    My 2-yo DD has once or twice thrown something at DS that has hurt him. We correct her and make her apologize, but he is certainly not allowed to hurt her back. At his age, he knows better. And he's a brown belt in TKD. He'd be punished pretty severely if he intentionally hurt her.  

    ETA: We don't tell our kids to "shut up." But I have witnessed my 7-yo dissolve into tears because his 2-yo sister looked at him. When he is genuinely not injured, I have no problem telling him to knock it off and stop crying. 

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  • twister22twister22 member
    If she comes to your home with bruises from her siblings at BM's house, that is an issue. I would tell BM that SD needs to be able to get away from her siblings so they do not bruise her, and that it is not acceptable for her SF to be telling her to "shut up." If the bruises continue, document them.
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    We don't want to teach her to hurt them back.  They're little kids.  We just want her to feel like she's safe. 

    Taking her to the counselor and she said she will try (again) to get BM to come do a session with SD, just the two of them.

    Martial arts classes might not be a bad idea.  I know she has friends that take them.  Might help her feel more in control.  As long as she knows not to use the other kids as practice dummies!

    We make notes of the incidents, but don't take photos or anything.  SD is 9 and I don't want her thinking that getting a bruise is a big deal.  If it gets bad though....

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    imageFutureMrsWittig:

    Martial arts classes might not be a bad idea.  I know she has friends that take them.  Might help her feel more in control.  As long as she knows not to use the other kids as practice dummies!

    I can only speak for DS's instructors, but they are awesome with this. The kids are absolutely never permitted to hit another child. 

    They focus more on how to deal with being bullied, how to walk away, how to block, how to control your body.  

    About a year ago, one kid got in trouble at school because he apparently palm-heeled another kid in the chest. They took him down two belt levels and gave him some community service projects to complete. 

    DS's class is probably 3/4 boys and 1/4 girls, but the girls kick the boys' butts. It's amazing.  

    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
    Thanks!  Looking into this now!
    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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