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February 2012 Moms
preggersINschool25
member
Bad relationship with Mom, anyone?
preggersINschool25
member
My mom is like Jekyll and Hyde because she always has one personality around everyone then a completely different evil one around immediate family. She bribed me and threated my dad to not go on a trip together when I was 12. She paid my brother to never tell the story about the time she told him that she hoped that he broke his neck and drown when he was 8 and my dad was going to take us to a local water park. She is manipulative and just plain evil. If you met her you would never know this about her because she has such a nice exterior personality. Even my husband doesn't know who she really is.
Tonight she attacked me because I asked my sister-in-law months ago when she first got pregnant to not talk to me about how easy things are with pregnancy or if she has an easy time breastfeeding. I asked her because I already resent her for having to downgrade my wedding because of her feelings and I had a terrible time with these things and I don't want it rubbed in. I asked my brother recently to not brag to me if his baby hits milestones before Grant because I am having a hard time dealing with him being so delayed. Well, my brother works with my mom and complained to her. He misunderstood what my wishes were and he thought they extended to facebook. My mom confronted me about this tonight and was saying bad things about me and how he told my brother to ignore me. I explained that I just didn't want them rubbing it in my face how easy or great things are for them and I never meant that they couldn't tell other people or post on facebook.
After I explained and clarified she still said I was out of line. I told her that she always sides with my brother just like she did with the wedding. I said she doesn't know how I feel or how hard everything is. She went off on a tangent and said that no one likes me and she has to tell everyone to give me a second chance. I asked her who and she listed off a long list of family that are close I consider them friends. She continued to say that if I didn't want her in my life that I could have my wish and she wouldn't be and she left my house. I didn't say I didn't want her to be in my life, but I didn't correct her either. I was bawling because I was so upset.
Now I know that maybe I should have just kept my thoughts to myself about not wanting to hear certain things, but really when I told my SIL I was joking around with her and laughing about it. My brother I had more of a serious conversation because I am having such a hard time with Grant. He is just not progressing much and I really think that his kid (due in Feb) will do a lot of things before Grant. Really, this isn't about that part. It is about my mom being a cancer in my life. I have tried so hard to have a good relationship with her since Grant was born and I never once used him against her even when I was mad. I realize now that a good relationship will never happen. I need to have her out of my life, but I don't know how to start. I live across the street from them and I depend on my parents for so much since my foot is broken. My dad says that I need to just use my mom. He says to not be hurt by what she says because I need to consider the source. My mom has been known to lie about what people say. I'm not really sure what her motivation is.
I just wish everyone could see her for who she really is because most people think I am crazy when I say how much I hate her. Does anyone have a bad relationship or no relationship with your mom? How do you deal with it?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Bad relationship with Mom, anyone?
Your mom sounds like a pretty horrible person to the people she should love and take care of the most. Can you think of what her motivation for acting this way would be? Jealousy? Resentment for something? People usually act that way because they're not happy with themselves and don't know how to deal with it other than making other people as miserable as themselves.
It doesn't sound like cutting your mom completely out of your life is the best option at this point, since you live across the street from her and you really could use her help. Is there someone else you could depend on to help you out more so you don't have to call her over as often?
And have you talked directly about this issue with her? Pointed out that you recognize a pattern of awful behavior? I could imagine a conversation about it may not go that great (she would probably find a way to blame you, right?), but it might start changing things internally for her.
I can't imagine living with such a negative force in my life since childhood! It's amazing what an impact mothers can have--kind of a reminder for why our job as mother is so important!
Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. I just wanted to say (even though that is not what you asked about) that I think it was absolutely fine for you to ask that of your brother and SIL. You did it in what seems to be an honest, calm manner and they should be considerate of your feelings, and so should your mom. The fact that she can't see that you are hurting and in need of support breaks my heart.
That tells me all that I need to know about her, and I think you already know what needs to happen. Having someone around you and Grant that obviously doesn't care is not productive or healthy. This is something you should also talk to your therapist about when you are there, they can help you come up with a plan for how much interaction with her is healthy, how to do that, etc. ((hugs))
I'm not sure why she does it. Sometimes I think it is jealousy because there was one time she said, "well when I was your age, I was skinnier than you and I had bigger boobs" She doesn't have a relationship with her parents (they live in FL we are in IN), so maybe it is a thing that was passed down?
My dad has been the main helper because he is retired. I try not to bug other people because my parents are willing to help, but I have a few other people I could ask for help on occasion.
I've tried to talk to her about having a better relationship with her but I swear it is like going in circles. She must not want to have a relationship because even when things are going "good" she says things all the time like, "I know you hate me, but I really do love you" or "I know you would have nothing to do with me if I didn't do things for you". What do you say to that? I can't deny it because I'm not sure I really don't feel that way. I have been emotionally abused for years. It's hard to forget that... Most of the time she denies that she did anything and twists history. ie I used to hide when she came home from work because I never knew if she was going to be nice and loving or mean and screaming. She says now that I hid so I could jump out and scare her.
I have an okay relationship with my mom, however I know someone that sound just like your mom!!!! All I can say is your dad is right, just distance yourself from her when you can, use her when you need her. It's sad, but true. She sounds like she deserved it.
Hugs!!!
But you are not alone with a crazy mother. When I was growing up my mother told me I should have been aborted, should kill myself, cut me down. She does this to everyone. She goes off on the dumbest things too. She's been an alcoholic for 20 years. I cut her out of my life after I had my son.... I am especially grateful that I don't have to deal with her drunk a ruining my holiday spirit. I haven't talked to her since this Mothers day.
Tell her to piss off! You don't need that sh!t.
Avoid conversation with her.
What kind of things do you rely on her for right now?
ETA actually, I agree more with what your dad suggested. Use her when need be, just don't make an effort to be close with her. Then you can push her away when the time is right.
That's kinda what I did.
I progressively made phone calls shorter, stopped visiting often. Then after a while of avoiding her she got mad and at that point I
just let her go.
I'll be honest, it sure stings having to cut my mum out of my life but In the end it's what's best for my family I.
If you think you'll do better off with out her, then I say do it
How much time before its ready to heal?
I'm sorry about your situation. I really am.
I hope things start looking up for you soon
You definitely deserve a good support system
Both my mom and my dad suck. It is sad and embarrassing for me. My mom is an emotionally unavailable functional alcoholic. She had two more kids when I was 16/17- they are now 16 & 17. She uses them (still) as an excuse of why she is too busy to be a parent to me anymore. Ever since I left the house at 17 for college, we have very little contact. She lives in another state and almost never calls me. I call her maybe 6 times a year and see her once a year or less. She still has not met DS. It is a 6.5hr drive.
I agree with pp. It will be hard to distance yourself from your mom with her living across the street. Do you have plans to move at some point? Until that time, I would just limit your contact with her more and more. Call less, make visits shorter, don't ask her for help if there is someone else you could go to. Is she the same way with DS as she was with you? I wouldn't want her watching him if she is. I would never let my mom babysit my DS.
Good luck to you and Grant!