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changing custody agreement

SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
in Blended Families
When XH and I divorced in March, we knew our agreement would be revisited when DS was in school and my work schedule was consistant. We got shared custody, shared rights and resposibilities, and a 3/4/4/3 rotating schedule on paper. No mention of school breaks, summer vaca, Ect.

DS is in school now, in my district, and since Sept 1st we have been doing things Sunday 7:30am to Thursday drop off at school with me, Thursday after school to Sunday morning with him. We have agreed to revisit this and maybe go back to 50/50 in the summer. As I have posted before we have had some conflict about school vacations, and since they aren't in our original CO, that hasn't been resolved.

I want to change the CO. I want the schedule we follow now to be our set schedule. 4 nights w me, three w him. The kids are doing well with the consistent schedule because they know where they are going every day and before it rotated. I also want to include that we can each take 1 week "vacation" time with the kids during school breaks or summers, so there is no conflicts about it.

I'm wondering how to convince XH to change things, and if he agrees will it be as easy as just paying a lawyer to draft a new CO and signing it and having the judge sign it? If He contests the change would it be likely that I would get what I want anyway because that's the schedule we have been following for a while now? Is there anything else I should think about including?
Thanks in advance fore any advice!
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Re: changing custody agreement

  • Karma1969Karma1969 member
    How to convince him?  Start out by asking him what he thinks.  It's amazing when you try working together for the common good.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    You're okay with never having a full weekend with your kids? Ever?

    What about this "one week vacation time?" What does that mean? Which school breaks?

    I'm not super convinced you're thinking this through as 1) I would not be okay with never having the kids on a weekend, and 2) it seems like there needs to be a lot more detail about the week-long vacation thing. 

    If you're going to the trouble of revisiting the CO, I think you should really think things through from the perspective of parenting a school-age child.

    A few thoughts: 

    - My 2nd grader has spelling, math, and grammar tests on Friday. I would be pretty anxious about transitioning custody every Thursday night.

    - How are you going to handle school breaks? If there are any that are particularly important to you or your XH, I would try to address those in a CO.

    -  Why limit yourself to a one-week vacation in the summer? Why not give each parent the option of asking for 3-4 weeks? Whatever you do, include a date by which decisions need to be made. I hate trying to figure out summer camps and extracurriculars while XH drags his feet about when he wants to see DS.

    If your XH contests the idea, I would not expect the judge to side in your favor. Sure, he might. But 50/50 was originally ordered and unless you can show why your XH should have <50% custody, I wouldn't get my hopes up.

    In your shoes, I'd start by having a conversation with your XH. Say that now that you have a kiddo in school, you'd like to revise the CO. Maybe suggest you both take a few weeks to think about it and then arrange a day to discuss it (via email). See what he thinks, tell him what you think, and see if there are compromises to be made.  

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imageKarma1969:
    How to convince him?nbsp; Start out by asking him what he thinks.nbsp; It's amazing when you try working together for the common good.


    We are usually pretty good at figuring things out for the kids without a lot of argument. I'm just afraid to rock the boat because things have been really good lately. Also, I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to take anything away from him. I just want things to be consistent and for what we decide to be reflected in a current CO.
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  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member
    imageSimpleJane:
    imageKarma1969:
    How to convince him?nbsp; Start out by asking him what he thinks.nbsp; It's amazing when you try working together for the common good.
    We are usually pretty good at figuring things out for the kids without a lot of argument. I'm just afraid to rock the boat because things have been really good lately. Also, I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to take anything away from him. I just want things to be consistent and for what we decide to be reflected in a current CO.
    Then I would start by talking to him and addressing your concerns and see if he agrees and is on the same page. Getting a heads up like that where you can talk through the details would be much preferable to receiving paperwork stating a change in custody is requested. The legal system sets us all up for an advesarial role and being defensive.
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imagefellesferie:
    You're okay with never having a full weekend with your kids? Ever?What about this "one week vacation time?" What does that mean? Which school breaks?I'm not super convinced you're thinking this through as 1 I would not be okay with never having the kids on a weekend, and 2 it seems like there needs to be a lot more detail about the weeklong vacation thing.nbsp;If you're going to the trouble of revisiting the CO, I think you should really think things through from the perspective of parenting a schoolage child.A few thoughts:nbsp; My 2nd grader has spelling, math, and grammar tests on Friday. I would be pretty anxious about transitioning custody every Thursday night. How are you going to handle school breaks? If there are any that are particularly important to you or your XH, I would try to address those in a CO. nbsp;Why limit yourself to a oneweek vacation in the summer? Why not give each parent the option of asking for 34 weeks? Whatever you do, include a date by which decisions need to be made. I hate trying to figure out summer camps and extracurriculars while XH drags his feet about when he wants to see DS.If your XH contests the idea, I would not expect the judge to side in your favor. Sure, he might. But 50/50 was originally ordered and unless you can show why your XH should have lt;50 custody, I wouldn't get my hopes up. In your shoes, I'd start by having a conversation with your XH. Say that now that you have a kiddo in school, you'd like to revise the CO. Maybe suggest you both take a few weeks to think about it and then arrange a day to discuss it via email. See what he thinks, tell him what you think, and see if there are compromises to be made. nbsp;


    I am a Hair Stylist, and I have to work long days every Saturday, but mostly have Sundays off. XH has to work a long day every Sunday, but has Saturdays off. So we split the weekend so each parent gets a day off with the kids.

    I wanted to include a "one week vacation" clause so that if one of us wanted to use one of the school breaks or a week during summer vaca to take the kids somewhere then we can. I would want to include something that says we need to have agreed on it x amount of days ahead of time. The rest of the time the schedule would stay the same, but this way we would each have the option to go on vacation with the kids if we want, where as now we don't have that option. I don't think I would be okay with 34 weeks a year that each parent can do that, neither of us get that much vacation time anyway.
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  • cole2144cole2144 member

    imageSimpleJane:
    imagefellesferie:
    You're okay with never having a full weekend with your kids? Ever?What about this "one week vacation time?" What does that mean? Which school breaks?I'm not super convinced you're thinking this through as 1 I would not be okay with never having the kids on a weekend, and 2 it seems like there needs to be a lot more detail about the weeklong vacation thing.nbsp;If you're going to the trouble of revisiting the CO, I think you should really think things through from the perspective of parenting a schoolage child.A few thoughts:nbsp; My 2nd grader has spelling, math, and grammar tests on Friday. I would be pretty anxious about transitioning custody every Thursday night. How are you going to handle school breaks? If there are any that are particularly important to you or your XH, I would try to address those in a CO. nbsp;Why limit yourself to a oneweek vacation in the summer? Why not give each parent the option of asking for 34 weeks? Whatever you do, include a date by which decisions need to be made. I hate trying to figure out summer camps and extracurriculars while XH drags his feet about when he wants to see DS.If your XH contests the idea, I would not expect the judge to side in your favor. Sure, he might. But 50/50 was originally ordered and unless you can show why your XH should have lt;50 custody, I wouldn't get my hopes up. In your shoes, I'd start by having a conversation with your XH. Say that now that you have a kiddo in school, you'd like to revise the CO. Maybe suggest you both take a few weeks to think about it and then arrange a day to discuss it via email. See what he thinks, tell him what you think, and see if there are compromises to be made. nbsp;
    I am a Hair Stylist, and I have to work long days every Saturday, but mostly have Sundays off. XH has to work a long day every Sunday, but has Saturdays off. So we split the weekend so each parent gets a day off with the kids. I wanted to include a "one week vacation" clause so that if one of us wanted to use one of the school breaks or a week during summer vaca to take the kids somewhere then we can. I would want to include something that says we need to have agreed on it x amount of days ahead of time. The rest of the time the schedule would stay the same, but this way we would each have the option to go on vacation with the kids if we want, where as now we don't have that option. I don't think I would be okay with 34 weeks a year that each parent can do that, neither of us get that much vacation time anyway.

    From what I hear two nonconsecutive weeks vacation is generally customary for each parent. That is what we got when we went to court last week for our CO.

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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    imageSimpleJane:

    I am a Hair Stylist, and I have to work long days every Saturday, but mostly have Sundays off. XH has to work a long day every Sunday, but has Saturdays off. So we split the weekend so each parent gets a day off with the kids. I wanted to include a "one week vacation" clause so that if one of us wanted to use one of the school breaks or a week during summer vaca to take the kids somewhere then we can. I would want to include something that says we need to have agreed on it x amount of days ahead of time. The rest of the time the schedule would stay the same, but this way we would each have the option to go on vacation with the kids if we want, where as now we don't have that option. I don't think I would be okay with 34 weeks a year that each parent can do that, neither of us get that much vacation time anyway.

    My CO gives my XH six weeks in the summer. We don't have 50/50, however.

    I would still urge you to deal with school breaks separately from summer vacation.  

    This is just me, but when we did my CO I never would have agreed to only be able to have DS for one week/year for vacations. It's not that we take loads of trips, but every year we probably do one 10+ day trip or 3-4 long weekend type things. And as the kids get older, we want to do more. 

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  • SchrodingerSchrodinger member
    imagefellesferie:

    My CO gives my XH six weeks in the summer. We don't have 50/50, however.

    I would still urge you to deal with school breaks separately from summer vacation.  

    This is just me, but when we did my CO I never would have agreed to only be able to have DS for one week/year for vacations. It's not that we take loads of trips, but every year we probably do one 10+ day trip or 3-4 long weekend type things. And as the kids get older, we want to do more. 

    Agree that you should separate out the school holidays and this plan for your "vacation."

    I strongly suggest that you set up a clear plan for establishing vacation.  When would the other parent have to be notified by?  Is it notification or approval?  Who gets preference if vacations conflict?  If its truly 50/50, does the other parent get make up time?  How would make up time be nominated?  Could "vacation time" be split over multiple visits?

    Things might be okay between you now, but I would take the approach of establishing this like you would a business contract.  Think of the worst case scenario and get details spelled out in the agreement.  You can be flexible later if you still have a great relationship, but if things fall apart, having the details nailed down will help avoid conflict later.

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imageSchrodinger:
    imagefellesferie:

    My CO gives my XH six weeks in the summer. We don't have 50/50, however.

    I would still urge you to deal with school breaks separately from summer vacation. &nbsp;

    This is just me, but when we did my CO I never would have agreed to only be able to have DS for one week/year for vacations. It's not that we take loads of trips, but every year we probably do one 10+ day trip or 3-4 long weekend type things. And as the kids get older, we want to do more.&nbsp;

    Agree that you should separate out the school holidays and this plan for your "vacation."

    I strongly suggest that you set up a clear plan for establishing vacation.&nbsp; When would the other parent have to be notified by?&nbsp; Is it notification or approval?&nbsp; Who gets preference if vacations conflict?&nbsp; If its truly 50/50, does the other parent get make up time?&nbsp; How would make up time be nominated?&nbsp; Could "vacation time" be split over multiple visits?

    Things might be okay between you now, but I would take the approach of establishing this like you would a business contract.&nbsp; Think of the worst case scenario and get details spelled out in the agreement.&nbsp; You can be flexible later if you still have a great relationship, but if things fall apart, having the details nailed down will help avoid conflict later.



    Thank you for the advice. We are really flexible with eachother right now, so I tend to skip over the details and just think "oh we will figure it out.". That's why our court order now is so vague. I know I need to get out of that mindset though. I think I am going to write up a list of things I want to discussand just give him a heads up to be thinking of what he likes/dislikes about our arrangement so we can discuss changing things so their more stable.
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    The more exact you are the better life is.  Even if you are the best of parents, vagueness opens you up to different interpretations which leads to issues.

    1) School Holidays are different from Summer Vacation.  They need to be addressed seperately.

    2) You need to address drop off and pick up times.

     

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  • twister22twister22 member

    Here's what I would do:

    1) Draft up what you would like the new CO to be. Include:

    a. Sun. 7:30 a.m. - Thurs. 7:30 a.m. w/ BM

    b. Thurs. 7:30 a.m. - Sun. 7:30 a.m. w/ BD

    c. Address p/u & d/o

    d. I would say each parent gets 2 nonconsecutive 2 week vacations in the summer, and each parents must give at least x days notice (not approval, notice), and no more than x days notice, and if vacation notices conflict, the first submitted prevails. Say that notices must be given via email (or some form of writing.)

    e. Do a rotating schedule for holidays (i.e. in even years BD gets Spring Break and first half of Christmas break, including Christmas and BM gets Thanksgiving Break and second half of Christmas break, and then it switches in odd years. Include exact pick up times.)

    2. Give BD a copy of your proposed CO, and ask that he look over it and talk with you about it on x date with any proposed changes that he has. 

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