Baby name dilemma :( what should I do? ( long)

santjust · December 2012

So as I have posted in the past me and my DH had a really crazy may and June..we had been planning our wedding for a year and a half while I was teaching and persuing my second degree in child psych , my husband also coaching working and going to school ,we really didn't pay attention those last months to babies because we had been together for so long and just didn't think. Needless to say we celebrated bridal showers, graduation , my33 birthday, a wedding and honeymoon literally one weekend after the other, the day I returned from our honeymoon I took a test and it was positive. So we added baby coming to the equation and just buckled down for the ride. My husband has a very large family and one of his cousins( particularly the closest friend wise to us) had also been in a relationship with a mutual friend, so we thought it was sweet that they waited until after our honeymoon to get engaged. We are trully happy for them.

Our wedding was rather large and we did splurge a little but we wanted it to be memorable it was a private yacht that cruised around manhattan during the reception and it was themed after the nightmare before Christmas, the cousin decided to quickly get married on a cruise as well but to the islands with an island theme, similar but not so I really didn't think anything we really do love them and want only for them to be happy.upon there return from the honeymoon they confide in us that they too are pregnant...

Great at 18 weeks we found out through amnio that its a boy and announced his named would be Julian I am 10 weeks ahead of her in the pregnancy so tomorrow I turn 30 weeks they also wanted to find out what they were having and we had been excitedly texting back and forth the anticipating result, Saturday night my DH was having a Manly Shower with all his friends and I left the house. while I was out she text me are you ready? I said yes I just left going shopping. She answers no idiot for the sex, I answer absoloutly shoot, she says Girl, I answer I am so happy for you she will be the first girl in the family( 8 boys counting mine) we get to play dress up, she answers I really thought it would be a boy, I answered remember to be happy she is healthy and you are gonna have a ball, girls are a lot of fun, to which she answers TuTus for days, I text yep checkout the mud pie collection of tutus I give them as gifts all the time have you thought of a name..... Response..... we are stuck on Julia.

That was Saturday night and I still haven't answered it is now obviously awkward that the name surprised me

. Because the family is so big it was hard for us to come up with a boys name nobody had and sounded not to Hispanic we gave it a lot of thought. We have been calling him Julian all along and have beautiful things for him with his name now I don't mean to be rude and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but you are having the first baby girl cousin you pretty much have free reign of any possible name combo out there. I don't want to seem petty or like I'm overreacting but I couldn't sleep last night thinking about the two cousins growing up so close in age with the names Julian and Julia I know eventually I have to text her back or talk, because we usually communicate daily even have the same hospital and OB office what should i do or should I just suck it up, I'm trying not to let it bother me but all night I tossed and turned...HELP

theimpossibleastronaut · December 2012

I know you're frustrated, but I honestly don't think that the names being similar is too big of a deal. She hasn't said that the baby's name is Julia, right? She might very well change her mind in the coming months. If she doesn't, there isn't much you can do, so I would just let it go.

In the end, she's going to choose the name she likes best. I think it's best to just respond with something like, "Well, I wish you and (her DH's name) good luck making your final decision" and leave it at that. I don't always respond to texts ASAP, so she might just think you had a busy weekend. GL!

jd614 · December 2012

Unfortunately I dont think there is anything you can do. As annoying as it sounds (and slightly fatal attraction?!)...a name is a name, we cant "call them" or "claim them." Your baby is born first and Julian is a perfect name. Maybe after that she will start to feel differently, like we already have a nephew named Julian maybe it will sound weird. Dont comment on the name at all good or bad, and maybe she will get a hint that you are annoyed?? We arent finding out the gender and I am very open about what our 2 name options are. Im a little worried that if I have a boy someone else will use my girl name, but whatever-I would still use it!

ggatlanta · December 2012

What?

lylahlove · December 2012

I'm sorry, I really don't see the problem. I would completely let it go.

kelly321 · December 2012

I'm sorry it's upsetting you, but honestly, it's not that big of a deal. If you love the name Julian and they love the name Julia, then the cousins will just have similar names. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, I had friends with the same name as me. It never caused undue confusion.

Actually, I know a family in which the mom has 3 children from 3 dads - the oldest is Julian and the 2nd oldest is Julie. I thought that was a little strange, but that's because they're half-siblings and growing up in the same house.

ggatlanta · December 2012

santjust:
Our wedding was rather large and we did splurge a little but we wanted it to be memorable it was a private yacht that cruised around manhattan during the reception and it was themed after the nightmare before Christmas, the cousin decided to quickly get married on a cruise as well but to the islands with an island theme, similar but not so I really didn't think anything we really do love them and want only for them to be happy.upon there return from the honeymoon they confide in us that they too are pregnant...

I couldn't figure out how this info is relevant, until I realized the real purpose of your post. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think what you are saying is:

My cousin copies everything I do. She copied my wedding; she copied getting pregnant on the honeymoon; she copied my choice of doctor and hospital; and now she is copying my baby name, even though we are having a boy and she is having a girl. How do I deal with this? Am I over-reacting? Can I tell her somehow to get her own life?

If I am understanding correctly, then I will answer your three questions: a), no one can tell you how to calm down if you can't manage it already; b) yes, you are over-reacting; and c) you can tell her you're upset, but she probably won't change her mind because of it - and she might think you're being more than a little controlling. (And I agree with her, although I am sorry you're upset.)

So, okay, you have good ideas, from wedding planning to baby names, and she wants to emulate you. Try to be flattered. She must think you have good taste.

Next time, keep the name to yourself - or better yet, tell her you're naming your baby Bookmark or Lightswitch just for fun. Maybe she'll get pregnant along with you and announce she's naming her baby Lampshade.

I am trying to take this problem seriously, but to me, this really should be a non-issue. Even if she was having a boy and naming it Julian, there would be nothing you could do...

Rosebean · December 2012

Seeing as how your baby boy is being born first, I would continue on with the name Julian and then let the name thing become her problem. If she is as bothered by the prospect as you are, she will have lots of time to change it.

If she gets super upset, I would remind her that you had told her weeks ago what the name is.

I had a similar problem with a friend when I got married. I was engaged and told her September long weekend was our date. She called me 2 months later to tell me she was engaged and asked me to be her BM for the same weekend... Uh? What?

Then her color schemes was the same, and so were her flowers, and so was her bachelorette party, and so on and so on. I stopped telling her things but it just felt like the never ending spiral of copy cat. My mom told me I should feel complimented that she liked my ideas so much... But in the end, our friendship came to a close because of it. I couldn't stand having weddings so similar when it was obvious she would file my ideas away as her own (there is more to this story, but you get my drift).

Stick to your guns... In the end, the other woman in my story changed some of her stuff because it must have clicked home that she should come up with her own ideas. This may sound vindictive, but I would just drop it. If she can't do you the honour of remembering your name choice, she shouldn't expect you to walk on egg shells for hers. My bet is when she hears your delivery and your sons name, she won't be bringing up the name issue. That would be impolite and moot by that point. If she sticks to her name choice, everyone will always think you got to it first. If she changes it, then you will know you made an impact.

santjust · December 2012

It's tough culturally as well, in Spanish they sound the same and its not that common in the culture to have many people with the same name in the family, I've only met two people ever with my name and the issue is not just the similarity it's the closeness we all share they will most likely be in the same grade or school maybe who knows it is a very close family and everyone is pretty neutral Brandon Joshua Lorenzo Joseph etc. usually the first born should take the fathers name but we couldn't do that because my husband is named after a Disney character and it wasn't Donald Duck... He didn't want to do that too our little one And we really made a list of all the names on both sides of the family and took everyone else into consideration as well. Whether they had children or anticipating in the future. We actually kept our girl name secret just in case we could still use it in the future. I'm not looking for any trouble I just know how considerate we were in making our decision. My husband jokingly ( I think) said we will have to move and only see them during holidays.. Besides with 7 aunts I'm sure someone will say something. I guess I just want feedback and suggestions to what is ok to say or not? I understand others might not think its huge but he is our first born and she will be here first born too. I don't know

kelly321 · December 2012

santjust:
Besides with 7 aunts I'm sure someone will say something. I guess I just want feedback and suggestions to what is ok to say or not? I understand others might not think its huge but he is our first born and she will be here first born too. I don't know

Are you worried they'll say something to you? Because if you already told people the name, which it sounds like you did, then there's no issue, right? They'll think it's strange that she is using such a similar name to you, not the other way around.

ggatlanta · December 2012

santjust:
It's tough culturally as well, in Spanish they sound the same and its not that common in the culture to have many people with the same name in the family, I've only met two people ever with my name and the issue is not just the similarity it's the closeness we all share they will most likely be in the same grade or school maybe who knows it is a very close family and everyone is pretty neutral Brandon Joshua Lorenzo Joseph etc. usually the first born should take the fathers name but we couldn't do that because my husband is named after a Disney character and it wasn't Donald Duck... He didn't want to do that too our little one And we really made a list of all the names on both sides of the family and took everyone else into consideration as well. Whether they had children or anticipating in the future. We actually kept our girl name secret just in case we could still use it in the future. I'm not looking for any trouble I just know how considerate we were in making our decision. My husband jokingly ( I think) said we will have to move and only see them during holidays.. Besides with 7 aunts I'm sure someone will say something. I guess I just want feedback and suggestions to what is ok to say or not? I understand others might not think its huge but he is our first born and she will be here first born too. I don't know

Fyi, without normal punctuation, this is really hard to read. I do NOT mean to be snobby about grammar, but from a practical standpoint it is hard for me to help when I struggle to get the meaning. Your first sentence is actually at least five sentences. From there it gets a little better, though.

To answer the "my family will talk about us" issue: if your baby arrives first, no one will think you stole her baby name. Everyone will think she stole YOUR name. (Well, everyone who cares about that stuff, anyway.) So if there is "talk" about it, it will be focused on her and not you. She may even receive pressure to change her choice if she tells the family her name before her baby comes - maybe you'll get lucky and an aunt will unknowingly come to your defense.

If her baby comes first, even though you picked the name first... That's just tough luck, unfortunately.

This may sound goodie-goodie-ish, but whenever I have an unsolvable but not life-or-death problem, I find a way to do something nice for someone for no reason: dropping off old clothes at the Salvation Army or bringing dinner to an older neighbor, something like that. It reminds me to put my own problems in perspective. I still hurt, but the good feeling I get from the good work I did helps balance things out and take my mind off troubles.

beckajw · December 2012

Just name your child Julian. You never know, when they see their daughter for the first time, they might suddenly decide that she looks like someone other than a Julia. If not, why does it matter? Julian and Julia are NOT the same name. Maybe it's because my brother is Stephen and my cousin who is a couple months younger is Stephenie, but I don't see the big deal in similar names. No one ever got confused. No one cares.

santjust · December 2012

I'm sorry my issue must have rubbed you the wrong way. I wasn't taking grammar into account. I was just venting not thinking you would have such a hard time. I mostly answer posts and give advice not post my own stories. I was just reaching out. I mostly stay on the high risk board anyway.

mishka29 · December 2012

That's a bit frustrating. Obviously she is going to do what she is going to do, but in the meantime I would suggest referring to your baby with his name at all times. Hopefully she'll realize that maybe they are too similar for comfort. Your name is set and her's is not.

Justinlove · December 2012

santjust:
I don't want to seem petty or like I'm overreacting but I couldn't sleep last night thinking about the two cousins growing up so close in age with the names Julian and Julia I know eventually I have to text her back or talk, because we usually communicate daily even have the same hospital and OB office what should i do or should I just suck it up, I'm trying not to let it bother me but all night I tossed and turned...HELP

It is a name. You are seriously losing sleep over a name? Please tell me that you can see how you are being petty AND overreacting. Your child isn't going to be "confused" by having a similar name to a cousin. We have two Lilys in ours and guess what..everyone knows who is who.

Sigh...take a deep breath and get over it. If you don't, you are going to create unnecessary drama and possibly lose a friendship...over a name.

pitterpatter129 · December 2012

You should name your baby whatever you want to and not worry so much about what other people choose to do or not to do with their children. Maybe they'll have similar sounding names or maybe she'll change her mind after your child is already named. This isn't an issue to lose sleep over. We have a Carole and a Caroline in our family (first cousins)...it wasn't ever an issue.

jenlb03 · December 2012

This is definitely not something to lose sleep over. IMO you are overreacting.

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