When is adoption the right option?

mel1987 · December 2012

I am a single mom of two, soon to be three... Number three was a total surprise, and not with a man who is worthy of me or this child. It's not a great situation. I love my two children so much, and I am a great mother.

My family, mainly my sister, is urging me to consider adoption. I know it would make my life easier, and I read all the posts on this board and I know there are so many couples that deserve a child. And it would be feel wonderful to give a couple the greatest gift in the world.

But the more I think about it, I realize that I'm selfish. I want to love and care for this baby, I don't know if I could say goodbye. I don't know if I am capable of being that selfless. I don't live on the streets, I have a home, with enough room for another baby. I'm not struggling for food or anything like that. Bills are a little tight, but I did cloth diapers with my other two and breastfed them... which helps with expenses.

I'm rambling, I know only I can make this decision... I'm feeling very alone right now and very very confused.

Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks!

GWUAlum · December 2012

If you can provide for your baby and love it then why give it up?

mel1987 · December 2012

I've been having a lot of anxiety issues as of late, and my sister is concerned that another baby would make it worse and that I would have trouble moving on with my life, and having this baby's father 'stuck' in my life if I keep his child, and that adding more of a financial stress wouldn't be fair to my two children.

I am seeing a therapist for my anxiety and I do talk to him about this pregnancy and the option of adoption.

Rachel Sonnier · December 2012

Expectant parents make adoption plans for lots of different resons, all of which are valid. I have never been in that position, but as a mom I can def see where you are coming from. Seems like you are just trying to figure out what's best for ALL of your children, and I think that's pretty awesome.
In addition to counseling, if you decide that you are seriously considering making an adoption plan, you could contact an agency to see how everything works. IMO, a good agency who looks out for their birth moms will provide you with the support you need, without putting any pressure on you to place. Wether or not to make an adoption plan should be totally 100 percent up to the birth parents. Good luck with your pregnancy and your decisions about your future!

IRR · December 2012

One more thing to think about. Do you know if the BF wants to raise this child? Without him signing off on the adoption, you may not get to make an adoption plan, so whether you consider him worthless or not, you will need to have that discussion as well before making any decisions. Seeking out an adoption counselor to weigh all of your options will be the best thing for you at this time. Good luck with your decision.

DaisyZH · December 2012

There are some EMs and BMs that I'm sure will be able to give you some good advice, personally I think definately talk to your counselor about it. If you want to parent, even if your family thinks adoption might be a good option, then definately do what is best for you and your family. Don't feel pressured by anyone, because you are the one that will be parenting, and if you feel comfortable with it then that is what counts.

Also, you mentioned one of the reasons might be to avoid keeping the father in your life. I totally get that, but if there is an open adoption and he is interested in visits he would still be a part of the child's life.

I guess my main point is just don't feel guilty because of anxiety issues, issues with the father, or money. If as you say you have the room, food, means and most of all love and desire to parent, then don't let others pressure you into adoption. If however you do feel that it is something you genuinely think is best and want for you, your children and the baby then definately talk to some agencies and get a feel for them and the process. Talk to some birthmoms that have gone through it and can give you some perspective.

(( Hugs )) Good luck with whatever you decide, feel free to post any questions on here if you have any.

mel1987 · December 2012

IRR:
One more thing to think about. Do you know if the BF wants to raise this child? Without him signing off on the adoption, you may not get to make an adoption plan, so whether you consider him worthless or not, you will need to have that discussion as well before making any decisions. Seeking out an adoption counselor to weigh all of your options will be the best thing for you at this time. Good luck with your decision.

He says it's up to me, if I want to put the child up for adoption, he'd be ok with that. If I want to keep it, he's want to be in the child's life. He's in a worse spot than me, no job, no support from his family etc...

My family, is incredibly supportive, emotionally and financially when needed... But they want what is best for me and this child.

I just feel overwhelmed right now, I don't feel 100% at peace with either decision at this point. I would never want to be one of those BMs who change their mind at the last second. I know couples IRL who have been through that, and I have seen their pain.

I just wish I knew exactly what to do... I love my children, but being a single mom is tough and adding one more won't make it any easier. That being said, they bring me so much joy and raising them is so rewarding.

Thanks for all the support, I hope I can make the best decision for everyone involved.

smithpaint · December 2012

This is a huge decision. I don't think you are being selfish wanting to keep your baby. You love your children and are able to take care of them - sounds like you are a good mom to me.

You do no have to listen to your mom or sister. This is your decision - follow your heart.

MagickalNarwhal · December 2012

You also don't have to make the decision now. You can have your child and parent, and if you still feel like you want to consider adoption, you can do so at any point. Our agency contacted us about a few situations where a mom was considering placing a baby that she'd been parenting and there were many families open to that.

I can hear how conflicted you feel. Obviously you are the only one who can figure out what is right for you. It sounds like you know better than many how much joy a child can bring you and how many challenges they can also bring. I'm sure you've done this already, but I think it would be helpful to imagine your life in 2, 5 or 10 years from now. How do you inagine you would you feel about either decision? I have heard adoption called a permanent solution to a temporary problem and in some cases that rings true. On the other hand of course, you obviously want what is best for the kids you are currently parenting, and yourself, and if another kid would put you over your limit then that's totally valid too.

It's clear you are coming to this decision with so much love. Don't worry about other peoples perceptions or ideas. Both sides have elements of "selfishness" and both sides have elements of selflessness. Sending you so much love!

silliestbunny · December 2012

I am sorry you are facing a tough situation.

Whether or not adoption is the right choice for you, only you will know... but through my journey I will say that I have seen as many situations presented to me as a AP that sound similar to your story (Emom could parent but timing/situation isn't ideal) as I have the situations where Emom can't parent (living on the street, etc.) For people unfamiliar with adoption, there's an assumption that Emom can't parent because life is too hard... but that's often not the case.

My point in sharing this is that if you dig deep enough (through agencies or the web....even here), you will probably find a group of birth moms that can talk to you and relate to your current situation... women who could have parented but chose adoption. IMHO these women will give you the best perspective... since they've lived making the choice.

I can only imagine how hard it is... hugs to you as you soul-search.

srmmm09 · December 2012

I'm a birthmom. I would have been able to make do (somehow, you know) and take care of DS, but I just didn't feel ready to be a mother. And now I know I really, really wasn't! Obviously it's a little bit of a different situation since you're already a parent.

This isn't always fun, but when I was making my decision, I did all the "math" -- the rational part -- before I talked too much to my heart. I needed to know what life would be like, realistically, before I could come to a decision. You're a mom, you know how to make hard decisions based on your child's best interests. There are downsides to being raised by a single mom with two siblings (and maybe a not-so-great dad). But there are downsides to coming to terms with the fact that your birthmother raised your older two half-siblings and not you. [I'm using the kind of terminology I would have used as a young adult, you know?]

You know your situation; it's difficult to parse out, but you may be able to come up with a decision based on pros and cons. That was what helped me with my heart when there were a lot more pros for placing M for adoption than there were for raising him myself.

The great thing is that you have lots of time to sort things out. 24 weeks is actually a pretty long time. If you're able, I'd totally recommend seeing a counselor. I had one for 4 or 5 months before M was born, on through maybe 4 or 5 months after he was born. She really helped me have a sounding board for my thoughts and a safe place for me to feel ALL the feelings.

And, oh girl, I never talk to my birthson's birth father! I mean, I wouldn't mind, I'm totally curious after 5 years. But he is NOT in my life. And his mother? That's for M's parents to deal with. muahahaha!

mnmello · December 2012

Placing a baby is not an easy decision. It also makes for a not easy life because that child is always a part of you and your heart.

I consider it a very selfless decision - knowing that you want to be the one caring for the child is one thing, but to be able to step back and look at the big picture and say, "This is not the best life for a child to live in" and be the best mom you can be by placing the child in a better life - is what adoption's about.

As a birthmom, I COULD have made it work - but it would not have been ideal for the child - and I wanted a better life for her than what I could've offered her at that time.

It's true that open adoption makes things better - you know where the child is, what they're up to and hopefully are "clued in" to their general well-being and life.

I can imagine having other children that you parent makes this even more of a difficult decision - but you just need to decide what you feel is best for the baby...either with you or in a different scenario.

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