Preemie birth and loss - envious

Sally-26 · December 2012

Hi there, I'm having quite a hard time lately. I gave birth to my twin girls on October 30th 2011 at 24.5 weeks. Since then it's been a totall rollercoaster ride with they stay in the NICU, the loss of my baby girl Haya (twin A) and my relationship with my DH.

We've come so far and Jude (the surviving twin) has just defied all the Drs predictions and is doing so well thank God. I should be so happy that i am so blessed with such a lucky and brave baby, yet all i can feel is that i have been robbed. I find myself being angry or feeling envious of other mums having nhormal pregnancies, i hate that i am feeling this way but i cant help it. I dont want to look at pictures of friends or friends of friends and their baby bumps.

I'm not an evil person, but i'm starting to feel like i am. I'm so thankful for Jude in my life, yet i can't get over what has happened. I always on a daily basis sit and think 'Why me?!?!' Sad Crying , did i do anything to deserve this? If i did, why should my babies have to suffer?!

I'm at a loss, i feel like everytime i feel like this im starting to drown in a never ending pool of saddness.

Sorry for the rant, just wanted to know peoples thoughts on how i'm feeling.

Sally xxx

rslhmg · December 2012

I think all the ladies on here will agree that is pretty much the norm for us preemie moms. I would suggest some counseling, I'm in the process of finding someone I feel comfortable enough with to talk to, and I know several of the ladies here have had counseling. DD is 5 mos and I still struggle with the same feelings, I can only imagine how much harder it is grieving one child while having another in the nicu. Tps for you and Lo.

kelly321 · December 2012

First off, the jealousy and sometimes bitterness you're feeling is pretty normal for preemie moms. Still, I think that counseling can be very beneficial, especially because your experience might have left you with PTSD or you might be going through PPD. It's important to get diagnosed if you have either of those so you can get the appropriate treatment. Do not be afraid to seek help. What you went through / are going through is extremely traumatizing. I wish you all the best.

sdtchica13 · December 2012

I get it. I didn't experience a loss, but I feel like I was robbed of a third trimester, a normal birth experience, holding my baby are she was born, getting to bring my baby home when I left the hospital, and a baby shower where I was actually pregnant. I know these are not major in the grand scheme of things and I have an extremely healthy and amazing almost three year old, but I still get those random, "it's not fair thoughts" on occasion. I does lessen with time, but I don't think it will ever fully go away.

I am so sorry for your loss, and am glad your other child is doing so well!

IncogNeato · December 2012

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think your feeling are completely normal and understandable. I would strongly recommend talking to a professional to help your work through your grief, although I don't think anything can completely heal someone from losing a child. Perhaps the social workers in the hospital might have some advice on who to talk to, though. I'm glad your other baby is doing well.

PhillyGal34 · December 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you have been through. I think the feelings you are having are TOTALLY normal. Like pp's said, many of us have expressed that we've had similar feelings. I know personally I was very bitter and upset about missing out on a large portion of my third trimester. I know that I was lucky in the sense that I got farther than some other moms but I had a lot of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me and I had to see all of their growing bellies, them go to their baby showers still pregnant and the worst part, them leave the hospital with their babies. I do not consider myself a horrible person, I never wished anyone else had to deal with what I went through but I was certainly jealous.

For me I felt better after my due date passed. I hope it gets easier for you soon

MBB41707 · December 2012

I just want to echo what everyone else has said. And my heart goes out to you!

MoFree · December 2012

I am very sorry for your loss.

How wonderful that Jude is doing so well. He sounds like a strong, little survivor.

I also suggest speaking with a counselor to help you work through your feelings. You have been through so many stressors and I think it's a sign of strength to realize you cannot do it alone. Is there a NICU social worker who can refer you to a therapist familiar with infant loss and prematurity.

To echo what PPs have stated, it is normal, to be expected to feel envious of moms who deliver FT, healthy babies. Please don't beat yourself up for your feelings. We have all been there.

Best wishes and please keep us updated.

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