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Parenting after 35
Possibly controversial
So I've been reading a bunch of the posts on prenatal testing and I'm beginning to feel like an a-hole. So many women have posted that termination is not an option and so they are wondering if the testing is worth it since the results won't make a difference. I have to admit that I'm in a really different place. Termination is on the table for me if there were serious issues. I feel really guilty admitting that... Like I don't care enough about my baby. But I also have a beautiful and healthy daughter, a stable financial situation, etc and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of caring for a child with significant delays. But I feel awful saying that...especially when I read how other women are do bravely committing to seeing their baby through whatever might come up. Does anyone else feel this way??
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Re: Possibly controversial
I have thought about this a lot all these months, so you're not alone. I have to think about it because, in addition to my age (40s), I have some serious health issues that can lead to all kinds of problems for any potential pregnancy as well as the developing fetus. I was lucky to be very closely monitored by my high-risk obgyn clinic, and our son was born healthy ... but I always ask myself, will we be lucky again if there's a next time?
If the baby had significant problems, I think I may have no real option but to terminate, even though I don't know if I could ever live with that decision. I'm Buddhist and it's against my religion, for one thing.
But ... right now we're not in a very good financial standing, having just bought a house and my staying at home and working only a few hours every day. So our budget is very very low. We somehow make it work, but we just couldn't afford the extra care, etc., a child with serious issues may have. It's really heartbreaking, and NOT a decision I ever, ever want to make.
The other thing I always think about is the future. If the child will end up unable to live independently, I don't think we'll ever have the money for him or her to be cared for after we're gone. And again, with age and health issues I honestly don't know if I'll ever live a very long life. I hope I will! But I don't know. The thought of any child of mine ending up a responsibility of the state terrifies me, because I suspect that they will never be taken care of: I went to college in a town with a significant homeless population with serious mental issues, and there was a rumor that those people were dropped off on the streets by the local mental hospital because they didn't have the funds to take care of them.
Soooo ... I'm totally paranoid, I think! Or maybe not. I don't know. It all just scares me too much. All I want to do is raise my children best as I can, preparing them for independent lives (if I have another child too). With the very limited means we have, we can only do so much.
I don't think that's awful to say.
When I was pregnant with DD1 termination was absolutely an option for us.
When I was pregnant with DD2 termination was still an option but I felt like it would be a harder choice to make.
Now I don't know what choice I'd make, and so much of it would have to do with the actual situation. I don't judge anyone chooses to terminate.
I do admire women/families who see it through no matter what the outcome. I've read some beautiful blogs about various experiences and it has made me view these situations differently.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
This is true, I know two women who had false positives and ended up having healthy babies. Imagine if they had terminated! I don't know what I would do. I say know that I wouldn't terminate but who knows if I would change my mind if I were in the situation. We certainly couldn't afford a child with mental issues.
Same here. As a twist, DH and I are now discussing adopting a special needs child.
But that also does not mean something cannot happen during labor and delivery.
But there is nothing wrong with testing. And I hate to be a downer... but you can't test for the perfect child.
That said, I did not to any prenatal screening (NT Scan, CVS, amnio) with DS and he is fine.
For my family I am against termination. But I don't think its awful that others would terminate, everyone has to do what is best for them. We faced a very real risk this pregnancy with 2 soft markers for down syndrome, but DD is a healthy and happy girl with no down syndrome after all. I did not do the amnio, I just faced the fact that my baby may be a little different (and that could happen no matter what). I work with adults with disabilities, so I have a lot of experience as to what life with a child with special needs would be like. NOW all of that being said, I think if a life threatening issue popped up, like anencephaly I would consider termination because it would be more humane to the baby, but I am still not sure I could actually do it.
The thing that is sometimes hard to remember is that not all disabilities happen in utero. Autsim, Cerebal Palsy, etc... happen post birth and can be just as challenging to face. My feeling has always been my child is my child no matter what, I created that life inside of me and now I will take care of the child and raise the child to the best of my ability.
I don't think its awful to say and actually I think its brave and something that many women think but won't admit. Raising a special needs child is hard. Testing can help you prepare even if you decide not to abort. I was 35 and 37 when I gave birth to my girls - I had a special ultrasound and some basic tests and all was showing normal so we chose not to do the amino and anything further at that point but if the doc had told us we had to have it or their were any questions, we had have done whatever we needed. What we would have done with the information had anything shown up, I honestly can't say and I think until you are in that situation, you can't 100% answer the question. I would like to think that I would raise any child but I also know my limits and my DH and I have watched a close friend raise her amazing son with severe disabilities and its hard on her and hard on her whole family.
To give you some background on me - I had a very normal pregnancy the 1st time around. I was 35 when my DD was born. Totally normal pregnancy and all the tests were totally normal - no worries. My DD was born with a collapsed lung which we learned was common in hard labors such as mine - she was taken to surgery right away and was fine from that. While in the level 2 nursery at 11 hours of age, she started having seizuers. She was transported to the local amazing Children's Hospital for a crazy number of tests, was put on medication to stop the seizures which took a few days to really work. When I first saw her hours later, she was blue from a seizure.
Her neurologist later told us that her brain injury had accured during the end of my pregnancy and not during the very long and hard labor. No signs of distress or anything noticeble happened during the end of my pregnancy. WE were given a long list of things that might be wrong with my DD - all of which were very scary. When going through something like that, you learn very fast who your friends are and who will be there for you. The outpouring of support was amazing.
We took our DD home at 7 days old not knowing what the future held but so in love with our amazing girl. WE lived moment to moment, always watching for that next seizure or any sign of a major issue. Letting her sleep in her own room at 5 weeks was the hardest thing I did (but the best thing for both of us). She was on medication until she was 4 months old and I am thrilled to say that at 6 years old - she has never had another seizure.
She was released from the neurologist care at 20 months (a month before her little sister was born with no complications) and has made 1 return trip for headaches that turned out to be a bad sinus infection that had no noticeble signs.
My DD is now 6 1/2 years old, has sever ADHD and a diagnosed speech disorder which years of speech therapy is helping so much. She is in kindergaten, is a math wize, struggling with her letters and reading. She is the sweetest, most amazing girl. SHe is super sensesitive and the most sure of herself person I know. She has never let her speech issues hold her back. Yes, she is going to struggle in school but I have no doubt that she is going to work hard and she I know she will always have parents and a sisters and lots of friends and family in her corner helping her along the way.
Had I been told while pregnant what I was told when she was a day or 2 old, I would have seriuously considered aborting her. I am thankful I didn't have to make that kind of decision. I know with many of the issues that come up - you know for sure what you would be facing unlike my situation. While we have challenges and my DD has been getting special ed services for years - we have it easy compared to what many others go through but you do handle what you are dealt. I know, I hate the saying that you are only given as much as you can handle and that you will rise to what you are up against but it is true.
If there was a family history or my OB recommended it I definitely would have done the testing.
this.
I felt just like the OP. We did CVS. I am glad Nate's genetic issues and brain abnormality were not discovered until after he was born. We would have probably terminated based on the information found on the internet while he was in NICU.
I am so sad and ashamed that I would have destroyed the one person who has changed my life completely...for the better. My judgement is towards myself and narrow views of what made a life worth living. The human race would be so boring and monochrome without all the complexity we each are allowed to contribute.
We always thought we couldn't "deal" with a special needs child. Well we are dealing with it and we are damn good at it.
I don't suspect that you'd hear a whole lot of people come down on you for it even if they are morally against it. When speaking in generalities, or of themselves...but face to face (or post to post?). I think it makes it more real when engaging in a conversation rather than generalities. And I think, when it is more real, we are more apt to think deeper rather than off the cuff about what we may/may not do.
I didn't get the testing done. I'm an older mother with one "set" of kids already in their adulthood. I've lived through having the, then, youngest have serious health issues (not from birth, but from a rather serious injury) that hampered us pretty severely financially and time wise. So, while it isn't ideal I know that I could do it simply because it is a child whom I love and really...what else am I going to do? I went through it because I had to. I would have gone through it even if I had had foreshadowing telling me that if I had this kid I would have to go through the years of that with him.
On another note, I did take tests with my first born. And she was supposed to have all sorts of physical things wrong with her and I recall there was some talk about potential mental defects. It was my first child, I was very young, and I was scared. But, I also had a religious conviction (still do, honestly) that would not allow me to personally make a choice for abortion. Turns out everything was false. She was in perfect health with the exception of what would turn out to be a nasal issue that was fixed with braces later in life (the roof or her mouth was too high...nothing life threatening or physically noticeable). She graduated with honors.
Now, I found myself pregnant again when my third child was 20 years of age. So, I was being pressured a lot - based on nothing more than my age - to have testing done. There are some stats out there that show the risk of having a special needs (physical/mental) child are ramped up. Like the mothers you are referring to, I wasn't taking tests to help me decide if I were going to keep him/her or to judge if his/her life was viable or if his/her life was going to interfere.
However, although I declined those tests...I do know that there are advantages to those tests as well. Let's say a mother doesn't wish to terminate a pregnancy but is in a high risk (or her child is in a high risk) category for something that is life threatening...those tests can reveal some medical issues that will allow the medical staff/surgeon to be Johnny-on-the-spot ready to deal with during or immediately following the birth that a delay of the unknown may complicate. That is a decision I decided not to follow through on via tests for two reasons. I had suffered three major family losses during the time I was finding and at the beginning of my pregnancy. I was under stress. For *me* the decision was to remain confident in the medical staff I had selected as well as the hospital I had chosen to give birth in (rather than a home birth) and relieve myself from the "what ifs" that test results might have given me. So...while I turned it down, I think that there are valid reasons for women who would never consider abortion to seek those tests. I think it is an individual and very much an in the moment decision.