- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
XP: I need some advice, please!
I posted this in Parenting, as well.
XH currently lives in the same city as me and we currently share our time with DD 50/50. Well, he just received an job offer in another town that is 7 hours away.
Now the dilemma is what would be a good time schedule for us now that he is moving so far away. At first he wanted to do one month on, one month off but I quickly said no that. I don't think it would be healthy for DD if she has to go back and forth like that so often. He basically agreed that she will be with me a majority of the year so her life is a little more stable but we still can't come to an agreement on how our schedule should look like. She's only 2 so I can't use school as an excuse or else I would use that schedule to work on. Does anyone have any prior experience with this or maybe some advice to give me? His last offer was he would get her one week out of each month. Mind you, he will be living 7 hours away. I'm just worried about what's best for her. I'm scared all of this is going to screw her up.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: I need some advice, please!
For most (good) daycares, you have to pay for the spot whether the child is there or not. Is it financially feasible for you guys to pay for two daycares?
If not, I think I would offer every other weekend and try to be generous in splitting holiday time.
For awhile, XH and I were ~3.5 hours apart, and XH would have DS from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. I offered EOW but after awhile he dropped down to 1 weekend/month because he got tired of doing the 2ish hour drive to meet in the middle.
I don't want to split it 50/50 anymore. She needs more stability and being ripped back and forth isn't good for her. As soon as she adjusts to one place she is going to have to readjust to another.
I would do EOWE but 7 hours is too far of a drive to make that often. His gf doesn't work so she would be the one to watch her while she is there. I on the other hand will have to pay for daycare.
Does he pay CS and/or help with daycare?
DS was ~18 months when my CO was drafted, and my attorney requested a base CS + 60% of daycare costs. If he has not been paying CS since you were 50/50 I think you should ask for it now.
BTW, you might also check in with your pediatrician. When XH and I were going through the divorce, he at one point threatened to ask for 50/50. He didn't really want it; he was just trying to get me to give in on a financial issue. But I happened to mention it to the pedi and he said that at DS's age (which was about 2 at the time) and being 250 miles apart, it would be developmentally bad for DS. He offered to go to court for me if I needed it, lol.
That's what I'm worried about! He just got the order to pay CS and he owes me a lot of back pay since he wasn't really around up until 6 months ago. He hasn't payed me anything yet, though. Probably won't until he gets this job.
How old is your DD? What about school?
If he has not paid child support, I would not be doing every other weekend or every other month, or every other week. That's nuts.
I'd set it up for one weekend a month, every other holiday, and half the summer.
If you are going to move that far away from your child, you need to make some sacrifices.
I agree one weekend a month, every other holiday and 1/2 the summer. This will take you beyond the "just for now, just till school starts". I would refuse anything more because who wants to drive 7 hrs or 3.5 hrs to meet 1/2 way. I would ask what the rule is for your state for parents that live more than (I think) 350 miles apart.
I agree with J (and lookatme). He's the one moving away, not you. With just one weekend, that means your 2yo will be spending 7 hours in the car twice a month for a total of 14 hours. Any more that that sounds downright awful.
In Ireland we get 8 bank holidays a year no work on Monday. My bro gets all of them. He also get extended time during the summer, easter and over Xmas.
They tried EOWE but the car ride was to much on my nephew.
Also they don't do one week a month because of school and also because nephew is very sporty and plays hurling for his local team.
It's hard on my brother and my family. In fact sometimes I miss him so much it hurts. BUT it's best for him to have the stability and routine in his life.
Best of luck.
7 hours is really far. I would not want my child driving 14 hours every other weekend. If I were in your situation I would give him maybe one long weekend a month, maybe 4 days in a row. I really feel like it is his choice/decesion to move so far away and you and your daughter shouldn't have to make the sacrifices. I also wonder where she would stay while he is working? And it is true that most day cares make you pay for the full month regardless of whether the child is there every week or not.
If he wanted more than one long weekend a month I would take it to court. No judge is going to have a two year old driving 14 hours multiple times a month or have a two year old away from the primary parent for more than 4 or so days in a row. No way.
This schedule is not appropriate for a toddler. She shouldn't go 6 or 8 weeks at a time without seeing her primary caregiver. At age two she really shouldn't go more than a few days without seeing her primary parent.
She asked if anyone had any experience, this is our experience since the girls were 3 and 4 years old. I just laid out what our custody schedulewas so she can kind of see what we do.
Lol at you telling other people what's appropriate though. That's funny.
Obviously this schedule worked for you guys. I don't see why it's okay for the child to be separated from her father for large amounts of time but heaven forbid she's away from the mother for more than a few days. How about his relationship with his daughter? Yes, he moved away, but it sounds like from what I've read that he's been unemployed and finally found a job...maybe he has little choice employment-wise.