How to deal with Nay-sayers?

J9bondgirl · December 2012

Hi ladies! I've lurked here quite a bit, but I am officially 9 weeks pregnant, and am looking forward to discussing natural childbirth with my Dr. at my first appt on Friday!

I have already come across a few people who, after I mention I intend to go med-free (this is my first pregnancy), immediately tell me how I'll be "screaming for the drugs" (because they or their wife did) or simply say "Yeah, good luck with that" in a very condescending manner.

What is a polite way to respond to this? Is there one? Or do I just keep my mouth shut? A friend of mine just had her baby, and went natural, plus I've read your stories, so I know I'm capable!! I just want to tell these people to shove it, but I don't want to be rude.

Lastly, any advice in general is welcome! I'm planning on reading The Bradley Method, and think I'd like to read about hypno-birthing as well, but not sure what book...

Thanks in advance!!

bornmommy · December 2012

What is a polite way to respond to this? Is there one?

You could simply say "I'm aware its hard work but the goal for me is intervention free."

I will say, I got tired of being polite, especially towards the end and ESPECIALLY to repeat offenders that continually told me "Good luck!" in a snarky way or "you'll see." It was always funny to me that most people that told me that were either 1. MEN or 2. had never given birth. If they were one of the above, I was not very nice to them in the end. BUT the best revenge to all the naysayers was being able to tell my natural story and prove them wrong.

One piece of advice, educate yourself. Coming back with facts about the interventions and what risks they pose always made everyone shut up around me! Good luck getting the dumba$$s off your back!

wittyschaffy · December 2012

Sadly, I just try not to discuss it with people because everyone has a horror story that they want to tell you about themselves, their friend, their mother, their sister, their cat or whatever. If you don't bring it up, you don't have to defend your choice. I totally respect everyone's right to choose to labor and birth how they see fit. It really isn't anyone's business but yours how YOU decide to do it. If someone does bring it up, smile politely and change the subject.

ridesbuttons · December 2012

Why it would come up at all when you are 9 weeks pregnant is beyond me.

Seriously, at 9 weeks nobody even knew I was pregnant outside of my husband, my mom and myself.

I mean, good for you. Go for it. But if you don't bring it up, it is unlikely to come up.

J9bondgirl · December 2012

In reference to how this has come up, a couple friend of ours stopped by for a visit, and brought over two people I had never met. They saw a pregnancy book, and asked if I was pregnant. These were the rudest people I've ever met in my life. (Guy: Oh, you're pregnant, that's great. To DH: Dude, the the next 9 months are gonna be the worst in your life, seriously. Just accept that your life is over) I think he just blurted out something about "the drugs" and I mentioned I wasn't planning on going that route. I probably should have kept my mouth shut. BTW, yes, they were heavily intoxicated.

vlevitt · December 2012

I'm planning on going med-free for many reasons as well, but honestly, it's rarely come up throughout my pregnancy. Only very close friends have asked - not even my mom has enquired- and I haven't offered the info to anyone outside my MW, best friend, doula and DH. I've gotten some unsolicited advice from friends (eg. "Remember, the epidural is your friend!") but its been easy to ignore. I agree with pps, don't bring it up, and if you encounter naysayers, ignore them.

Ultimately the process of going med-free is about commitment, so this is good practice for sticking with your plan.

mel1987 · December 2012

Just prove them all wrong by going natural. That's what I did. So now when people ask if i'm going to get the ep,i I say no. Then back it up with, "I didn't for my first two", that shuts em up.

starshineamator · December 2012

I'm just not discussing my birth plan with people. I've done my research, I know what's best for me, Spouse is on board with it, and that's what matters. I told my best friend, who surprised me and said that she wanted to go with a midwife too someday when she gets pregnant (and she had obviously done some research as well, which I didn't expect), and I did tell my cousin because he mentioned that he wants his wife to do a water birth when she gets pregnant, and he was surprisingly well informed about home birth/water birth/natural birth too. I haven't had anybody else ask me what my plan is, though my aunt (who is a nurse) told me I better not do any "weird" stuff and just be normal and go to the hospital and do what they say- I laughed it off. I'm sure my mom will end up finding out if she flies out here for the birth, but other than that, I'm not planning on talking about it until after it has happened. Though I have told her I want to do hypnobabies which she thought was great because it sounds like a perfect method for me personally. I don't really want to argue with people; I'm not going to convince them and they won't convince me, so it seems like a lot of stress for no positive outcome.

honkytonk_kid · December 2012

A lot of smiling, nodding, and "well we'll find out when the time comes." Because that's true- you WILL find out when the time comes. Hopefully what you will find out is that you are well prepared, strong, capable, and lucky- and if there are more babies in your future then you can say, "Well I did it once before..."

Along with not bringing it up unsolicited- because people that are rude enough to mock your choices NOW are surely rude enough to rub it in your face should your plans not pan out as expected.

And a general rule of not arguing with rude drunks

Mrs E in Oregon · December 2012

After an issue with my grandfather-in-law last week we aren't discussing our birth with anyone. We're calling it a private matter.

You could just say, "I intend to go without drugs if I can but until the big day we won't know what will happen." When they say "good luck with that," just say as sincere as possible, "thank you."

briannabeebug · December 2012

not that anyone has asked me--nor even suspected my pregnancy--but If people ask I *do* plan on telling them.

Especially if they are the fear mongers who claim they know what's best for my body based on their own experience.

The "you'll see" attitude will be challenged with "I trust myself and the processes my body will go through."

I see the 'you'll see" attitude as an affront on woman and their universe given power to bring life into the world. And through my words I want to affirm women and their strength.

angelacez · December 2012

I do tell people I'm going natural. But I've done it 3 times before. So if anyone has anything to say, I just say well, I've done it before all 3 times. I do know what I'm doing. They normally shut up or look at me in shock. With my first they just said the typical oh no you'll be begging for an epi and things like that. I just ignored them and it made more want to go natural even more! Now homebirth on the other hand. I don't even want to talk to anyone about that. They mostly throw a fit or say something about it's just "not safe", which isn't true but try explaining that to them!!!

iris427 · December 2012

I think the best approach is not to discuss your birth plans with people. Or just keep it vague like, we'll see when the time comes.

BadgerBaby01 · December 2012

One thing I've done is to defer the conversation back toward the other person. So if someone is telling me about how she got an epidural and it was the best thing ever, I ask her more questions about it and get her talking about her birth story, then tell her that I'm so glad she had the kind of birth she wanted. This usually turns the conversation away from me and people are always thrilled to talk about their own stories! If I am asked directly, I tell people that I am planning to have a natural birth because I think it's what's best for me. Usually after that, people won't ask many more questions. I truly am interested to hear why other people have made the decisions they have, just like I believe they're interested to hear the reasons I've made my decisions. I try to keep the conversations focused there, instead of a natural birth vs. medicated birth battle

Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!!

JCWhitey · December 2012

My response is kind of snarky and maybe completely untrue, but it usually works. I just say that my Mom had two easy, unmedicated births with no pain, just some discomfort (this is true) and that how easy birth can be is largely genetic. So I guess my family just has better genetics than yours. (That's the part that I don't think is true, but it sounds good.)

In reality, both my Mom and I have extremely high pain tolerances. Things that would be painful for an average person isn't painful to us. It's almost borderline in being bad because my Mom broke her foot once and didn't even realize it for a few days until the swelling got really bad. I'm guessing that's a big reason that birth wasn't painful for her, and why I'm hoping it won't be for me.

xkittyxbearx · December 2012

It's pretty rude, I stood behind a lady in a check out line at a store once going off about her friend who went med free and how she doesn't understand why these women want to be "heros". Everyone has an opinion I'd just ignore it. Being a hero wasn't my goal in fact it was wimping out of a needle that made me decide for sure on natural birth haha. I took a parenting course when I was pregnant with my first and my teacher said choosing between an epidural and none is kind of like choosing between less pain for a longer time, or more pain for a shorter time. Sometimes epidurals make it harder to feel the muscles so that you can push harder so some time the labor is longer. I had 2 med-free births and they were honestly very short and easy.

Want a personalized experience?

How to deal with Nay-sayers?

Re: How to deal with Nay-sayers?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards