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Parenting after 35
stever
member
Stolen from Aug 12 - a bit of controversy
stever
member
On today's UO on Aug '12 somebody sparked a debate by saying that, though she was sure being a SAHM was tough, she was sure it was 'nothing like being a working mom.' Her tone indicating that working moms have it harder, her subsequent posts indicating that she had a chip on her shoulder about SAHM's.
Anyhoo, 'mommy wars' ensued, nothing too nasty but still sort of heated.
So, who has it harder? WM'S or SAHM'S?
eta - and her hot button quote was 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world.'
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stolen from Aug 12 - a bit of controversy
Oh, my own opinion is that both are hard. I think saying SAHM's have 'the hardest job in the world' is a condescending way of patting women who SAH on the head while secretly thinking they don't actually work.
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I don't really think it's fair to say either way is better or easier. I loved the 9 weeks that I stayed home with LO, bonding with him. But I didn't love that DH would sometimes come home and find me still in jammies because my mom wasn't available for the 30 minutes I would need to shower and eat. Our son is challenging in that he absolutely will not tolerate being put down, most of them time - even when he's asleep, if you put him in the pack n play, crib, or even his infant seat, he usually wakes up and cries til someone picks him up. Then again, there were mornings while I was home that I had something planned, but often skipped it because I was enjoying the snuggle time with my precious boy.
Also, going back to work actually makes things a little easier on me, schedule-wise (as in now I sorta have one!), plus the time spent with other adults and relatively clean clothing, hot food when *I* want it ... it's kinda like my "quiet time" if that makes any sense. Then again, the schedule I have leaves ZERO free time - I'm online now because I have tomorrow off. Otherwise I would be pumping and headed to bed. I don't always get the grocery shopping/cleaning/cooking etc. done because I rush home after work so that I can spend as much time as possible with LO after missing him all day long, and since he is still our little demanding boy, I don't get anything done when I'm home with him unless DH is there to watch him while I do those things (he isn't; he gets home about 90 minutes after I do). So I nurse him, play a little bit, wait for daddy to get home, then cook (sometimes), eat, bathtime and bed! It is rough and it would be rougher still if I had the kind of high-stress job that I used to have. Thank goodness that part of my life is over!
I sometimes wonder if we could afford for me to stay home, whether I would choose to do so. I think I would, at least for the first 2-3 years.
It goes without saying, but I think we all make the choice that best suits our family. Neither situation is without its perks or drawbacks, and the grass is always greener on the other side. Sounds like that mommy probably deserved a lashing - as a working mom, she can't know the SAHMs' journeys. Hell, she doesn't even know mine and I am in the same boat she is. Can't we all just get along??
I go back and forth on this. I have done both. I have been a sahm and I have been a working mom. And I gotta say that when I was a SAHM I was pretty miserable (DD#1) I loved all of the time with just me and her but I missed interaction with other adults, and I would feel like crap when I couldnt get the house cleaned and dinner made by the time the her daddy got home and the work never ends... Its like, "I JUST got those dishes done how in the world are there more dishes andnow I have to cook dinner". Working like I did with DS helped because I worked part time. You are right bennifer I felt like that was my "quiet time". This time I was sure I wanted to work after mat. leave and my DH could be a SAHD which he is and he does well, but I really wish I could be a SAHM now. I think both positions are equally hard, but if I have to choose, I give the award to the working mom's in the end. mostly because while they are doing what is most likely an equal amount of work, they are doing it for a boss, not someone they love (which is much more rewarding)
Oh and I do get a little snarky when SAHM's get to b*tching about how much harder they have it because "Hey sister, its hard for all of us and I want to be at home with my baby"
It's funny...I ask myself this question and I don't feel like I can decide on a definitive answer. My first thought is that working moms have it harder...we have to hold down two very important jobs. I have to be a mom and take on all of the responsibilities that motherhood entails and also be a performing, contributing person at my job. I have to struggle with the idea of missing my little guy and worry about missing important milestones. My mom was a SAHM, and I wonder how my son will reflect on his childhood with a full-time working mom. I wonder if he will feel like he missed out on me.
On the other hand, staying home and being "on" 24-7 with little ones is challenging too. You hope for a good nap day so that you can get a few things done around the house. I'm at work all day, but I have someone caring for my son (the nanny), keeping his room neat and doing his laundry (and sometimes ours). I have a cleaning woman. These women help me keep my household running; if I were a SAHM, these roles would fall on me. And that's a lot of work! It's exhausting and often unappreciated.
I think it depends on the person too. Some women hated being a SAHM and couldn't wait to get back to work and others couldn't fathom going back to work. I think it hard to say one way or the other,
I consider myself SaHM even though I work 3 mornings a week. I enjoy working but it certainly wouldn't kill me if I didn't work at all (I mostly work to keep my skills up and fund my retirement...).
We are also raising our nieces who are 13 and 18 and I think working FT would really suck. The older ones have counseling appointments and orthodontist appointments and someone needs to pick them up from school. DH is a doc so he helps out where he can but it is never predictable. We also don't have any family around that could help out.
Personally I find SAHM not hard and I enjoy it. I get out a lot with DD so I never feel like I'm stuck at home. We are fortunate enough to have a cleaning lady every couple of weeks so that parties covered. I do cook most nights and do a bunch of laundry once a week (nieces do their own).
I pretty sure I would not enjoy working FT because I wouldn't get to spend much time with DD (she is my one and only) and I would feel like I would come home from work, cook, eat and get DD to bed and I would feel liked would miss put on a lot. Plus it would make it hard to do all the schlepping of older kids (I was still working FT when we first got the nieces the year before DD was born).
So in my opinion it would be harder to be a WM. I can't imagine having to work FT and trying to get everything else done when you are not at work. I think it would leave very little time to oneself. I have no time to myself when DD is awake but for the most part after she goes to bed I usually have some time to myself without having to worry about doing this chore or that chore (since I do all the cooking DH usually does the clean up after and I do laundry/grocery shopping on the weekend usually). I am fairly certain that if you are a WM you tend to play catch up when LO is asleep. I guess it would also depend on how much help your SO would be. Some spouses travel a lot or work late hours and so they would not be able to contribute as much as some other spouses.
Is this a real question? How about seeing your kids for 2 hours a day and having to cram cooking, eating, playing, bath and bedtime into those two hours? I need to stop typing before I break the "nice code" on this board.
This is an individual thing.
If I were a SAHM, I would definitely consider it the hardest job in the world. But, I believe that's because I'm not cut out to be a SAHM and not sure I could handle being 'on' 24/7...especially in these first few years. I mean, weekends - or, to be more specific, weekends with Stella - wear me out! I'm always racking my little pea brain to figure out how to entertain her, what to feed her, when to feed her, how to keep her happy, keep me happy, keep DH happy (and involved - he works third shift where is on 4 nights/off 2 and I think sometimes I plan more activities for Stella and I around his sleep schedule and he gets left out of things).
On the flip side, being a working mom is hard in that I don't get to be with Stella all day every day and sometimes I feel that her daycare teachers are definitely getting the better end of the deal - that I am missing some crucial moments in her early years, I'm not always around when perhaps I should be and in the last month I have been working so much over time that even when I am home, Stella is now favoring her daddy more than me. That's hard.
But honestly? In the end? Being a parent, being a GOOD parent (because trust me, not everyone is) is likely the hardest job in the world. Or trying to run a country. One or the other.
This is how I feel daily and what I am always struggling with. I feel like my time with DS is spent on dropping him off at daycare, picking him up from daycare, making and eating dinner, cleaning up afterwards then watching him play for 40 minutes before it is his bedtime. Weekends are spent on chores such as cleaning the house, laundry, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. I am exhausted and feel like I do not have any quality time with my son. I have been asked if I can stay home with him but unfortunately it is not an option.
I was home for 6 weeks after DS was born and it was hard for me to get much done around the house including cooking dinner. I imagine that those ladies are running around all day chasing down their kids and trying to get things done too. I will never say that they do not work or that they have it easy but I definitely think the dynamics are much different between the 2 groups.
Both come with their own rewards and challenges, and a lot really depends on what you want for yourself and your child. Both of my parents worked outside the home and we always did latch-key at school or had babysitters who stayed with us after school. My BFF's mom was a SAHM and I remember being so jealous of her because of that. But, at the same time, I know that if my mom didn't have a paying job, we wouldn't have been able to maintain a middle class lifestyle and she would not have been satisfied staying home.
When I was in my teens and 20s, I'll admit I never thought I would be a SAHM and thought of those who were as "traitors" to the feminist cause. Over time and with maturity and perspective, I realized that feminism was all about choice -- for women and men. It's just as restricting and unfair to tell mothers that they SHOULD have a paying job outside the home, as to tell them that they CAN'T. Men should also have the same choice -- it's up to each family to decide what works for them.
WM's usually have to contend with the unfair burden of still shouldering more than 50% of the household and childcare responsibilities, taking time away from work for sick kids and doctor appointments, and suffer from the toll that takes on their careers. There are also a lot of logistics involved in coordinating work, school, childcare, and extracurricular schedules that can be overwhelming at times.
On the other hand, SAHM's (and dads) often have to contend with those who have jobs outside the home looking down on them, loneliness, and sacrificing former career goals, not to mention figuring out ways to socialize and get their kids involved, since there is no built-in socialization forum for young kids at home like those who are in daycare have.
Personally, I think being a parent "is the hardest job in the world", regardless of whether you work outside the home or at home.
Lurker here - chiming in -
Personally, I just wish there was more flexibility and choice for all. I have a pretty ideal situtation for me. I work from home on a flexible schedule.
I have a babysitter in the morning, do some work when my son (hopefully) naps, and finish up after he goes to bed.
So I get to have some time to myself and I get to spend a lot of time with my son.
This is how I feel. Sometimes I wish I had more time to spend with DS, and sometimes I come to a point I say "good thing I am not SAHM". I can not say which one is easier. There is no such a thing.
I am so jealous!
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I have been (and currently am) a married SAHM, but have also been a working mom, single and married.
Being a single working mom was the hardest thing ever. Hands down and I was fortunate that my children were a little older, not babies/toddlers or even early elementary.
Both SAHM and working outside the home have their own rewards and challenges and those differ from person to person even. It seems pointless to compare, much less argue, them.
I think this is the best point.
Even to the poster who said to try shoving a bunch of stuff you have to do into two hours a night....yes, it's hard BUT it doens't mean it's harder. I have done both and I think each has huge challenges. I was a single mother.
Women need to stop fighting about which is harder. There is no winner. No matter how good your arguement there is another one just as good.
i work full time outside the home ... and while i love my children, and miss them while i'm at the office ... sometimes Monday morning cannot come fast enough.
in my opinion, being home with kids is a lot harder than going to my job. at work i can have a cup of coffee in peace, if folks don't listen ... i can write them up, everyone in my office is potty trained ... although i do believe nap time would be a great improvement to the day : )
I think they are both equally hard and each have their own challenges and rewards and can't really be compared. Some women , myself included, just could not imagine staying home with my kids. I need some adult interaction and things that are just mine. I love my kids and I get sad that I can't be at all the school events and things like that. I also know some moms that could never work while they have young kids - its just in their system.
I have 2 sisters - 1 has worked and one stayed home. I have also always worked. my mom was a working mom. My DH's mom worked more than not, she was a teacher when the kids were young and in school but didn't work before they were in school and then moved into an admin job later in life.
For me, in talking to friends who do both, both have good and bad. There is not a right or wrong or harder or easier
Parenting is hard work, no matter what your situation. I am a working mom.
I had a long maternity leave, and I didn't find these two common SAHM issues to be too bad:
Isolation from other adults--When I was on a long maternity leave, I went to Bible study at church one morning a week. Friends came by. I ran errands, met family members for lunch, etc. etc. I got adult time in without a problem.
Housework--I ran errands with DS. I cleaned and cooked while DS was asleep. I put him in a bouncy seat and he watched me. I could throw laundry in to wash while I played with DS. I could rest and just hold and cuddle him. Now I'm in full chase mode (he's 18 months).
My DH does his fair share when he gets home.
Now that I work, I get home about 5:30 or 5:45. I cook, do dishes, play with DS, read books to him, take care of pets, and bath time. DS is in bed around 8:30. Then, I update our finances/budget, finish cleaning that didn't get done, pack lunches, etc. On weekends, it's catch up time.
It's hard not to be jealous of the women who drop their kids off at mother's day out and are free for the morning.
I am busier and more exhausted now than I was on maternity leave (even with a colicky newborn).
I have never been a SAHM, basically b/c I think it would be so increadibly hard, isolating and unfulfilling. This is for me! Not anyone else. Just my opinion.
I also have a career I LOVE, so it's easy for me to go to work everyday and then enjoy my quality time with DD otherwise. I wouldn't be happy without my career.
In the 3 years I've had my DS, I've been the following:
A PT working mom (family business - took baby to work / worked from home)
A SAHM (for the most part, only worked 10 hrs per week for family biz while DS was at daycare PT)
Now a FT working mom.
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Honestly I had difficulties with both scenarios. When I SAHM, I felt like I got more done at home (laundry, dinner prep, etc.) but felt like I was failing DS because I wasn't a good, crafty, do all sorts of activities with my kid type of mom.
I've only been at my new job for a week, but now I feel constantly rushed. Rushing to get ready. Get DS to daycare (I do all drop-offs for now). Get to work. Then rush to get home and pick up DS if my DH isn't (he is in PT for an injured shoulder) and get dinner on the table and still manage to spend time with DS. I'm lucky in that my new job is only 10 miles from home but I feel somewhat disconnected from DS now.
IMO, they are equally hard. But in an "ideal world" I'd be a SAHM and would work PT when DS was in school (ie. Kindergarten). Alas, it isn't an ideal world and I'll adjust.
And working with your child around.... now that is hard! I'd rather work FT or be a SAHM than combine them. You can't give either your child or your work the attention they need. It's not always the best of both worlds.
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I think every situation is different, so you can't make broad statements.
Some WMs have it harder than their SAHM counterparts. Others have it easier.
It depends on so many factors: the mom herself, the job, the kids, the number of kids, her partner, the commute, if she enjoys her work/ enjoys staying at home, etc etc.
I'm a SAHM, and while it can be challenging, it's what I love, so to me it's easier than any job I've ever had. Definitely not less work, but easier because I love it so much.