Friend asked to bring her baby...

Liz4444 · December 2012

skoogirl:
lisa5201:

I personally would feel incredibly awkward bringing my baby to a child-free event where every single other mother attending had found a way to leave their children at home.

Honestly I think you should tell your friend your sorry, but the event is child free and if you make an exception for her, you would have to make the exception for everyone. Better yet, your mom, the host should do it. Maybe a sucky convo, but she's really inappropriate for asking

BTW I nursed for 2 years, and I understand the needs of a nursing baby. I don't hate children and I think adults only showers are not only totally appropriate, but more enjoyable,especially for first time moms

I am particularly sensitive to this lately because I have received many invitations to showers that specify "no children" on the invite. I have to find a sitter because they are always in the afternoons on weekends and my husband is a chef. When I was nursing a 2 month old child I was told I could not bring him and as such I dropped off a gift (if I had left him expressed milk I would have had to excuse myself during the party to go pump again anyway).

I believe a baby shower is to welcome the baby. It may also be to "shower" the mother, but there is certainly a baby to celebrate. I also don't think all people think that showers are adult-only. I know my hosts invited all the children of these women to my shower.

I think my point was (although not articulated) that as you said, some first time moms find it more "enjoyable" to not have children around. I suppose that they like children in doses, but having many around is not "enjoyable" for them.

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

skoogirl · December 2012

Liz4444:

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

Agreed. I don't think saying that you can't go if the child can't go is unreasonable. It's not an ultimatum, it's just the reality of being a mom for some of us. This would be less of a problem for me if I could leave DS with MH, but he's a chef and these parties are always planned for times when he works.

lisa5201 · December 2012

skoogirl:
Liz4444:

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

Agreed. I don't think saying that you can't go if the child can't go is unreasonable. It's not an ultimatum, it's just the reality of being a mom for some of us. This would be less of a problem for me if I could leave DS with MH, but he's a chef and these parties are always planned for times when he works.

I do think instead of saying " I can't go unless my LO can come" is very different from saying, "I would love to attend, but can't because (can't find a sitter, LO is nursing...whatev). Hope you have a great time. Where should I drop off my gift?"

The first response puts your host in the very awkward position of feeling obligated to make a special exception for you, the second response lets the host know you respect their wishes for a child-free party implicitly, but gives them the option of making an exception for you of their of volition. Way different

Liz4444 · December 2012

skoogirl:

Liz4444:

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

Agreed. I don't think saying that you can't go if the child can't go is unreasonable. It's not an ultimatum, it's just the reality of being a mom for some of us. This would be less of a problem for me if I could leave DS with MH, but he's a chef and these parties are always planned for times when he works.

I just don't see how, whether or not someone can find childcare, is the hosts problem. By saying you can't go if the child can't, you are trying to guilt the host into allowing you to bring your child. Saying, "If I can't bring my child, I won't be attending", how is that not an ultimatum? Not cool. If you can't go without your child, don't go, but don't put that on the host. It's not their issue, it's yours.

skoogirl · December 2012

lisa5201:
skoogirl:

Liz4444:

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

Agreed. I don't think saying that you can't go if the child can't go is unreasonable. It's not an ultimatum, it's just the reality of being a mom for some of us. This would be less of a problem for me if I could leave DS with MH, but he's a chef and these parties are always planned for times when he works.

I do think instead of saying " I can't go unless my LO can come" is very different from saying, "I would love to attend, but can't because (can't find a sitter, LO is nursing...whatev). Hope you have a great time. Where should I drop off my gift?"

The first response puts your host in the very awkward position of feeling obligated to make a special exception for you, the second response lets the host know you respect their wishes for a child-free party implicitly, but gives them the option of making an exception for you of their of volition. Way different

For me it would be something like "I would love to go, but don't want to get a sitter" though. I won't lie. If the host feels strongly about not wanting children at the event, then the host should be able to stand their ground, not that I'm saying it's polite to ask for an exception in most cases, but for a nursing infant I do. I agree that the request to bring a nursing infant should have been directed at the host rather than the mother to be.

rhubarb123 · December 2012

lisa5201:
skoogirl:

Liz4444:

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

Agreed. I don't think saying that you can't go if the child can't go is unreasonable. It's not an ultimatum, it's just the reality of being a mom for some of us. This would be less of a problem for me if I could leave DS with MH, but he's a chef and these parties are always planned for times when he works.

I do think instead of saying " I can't go unless my LO can come" is very different from saying, "I would love to attend, but can't because (can't find a sitter, LO is nursing...whatev). Hope you have a great time. Where should I drop off my gift?"

The first response puts your host in the very awkward position of feeling obligated to make a special exception for you, the second response lets the host know you respect their wishes for a child-free party implicitly, but gives them the option of making an exception for you of their of volition. Way different

Totally agree with this in regards to your guest asking in the first place. I think if you did a poll you find a LOT of women who's DH's work week-ends. Mine is gone ALL week-end and I have to pay a babysitter a lot. I really enjoy going places without my kids (maybe it's different because I have 3 of them) and when it is an adult event I don't appreciate seeing other kids there (unless they are lap babies who are breastfed). Other's can pay a babysitter the same as I do. This woman doesn't even have to pay a sitter since her DH is home to care for their child and obviously their child is used to BM in a bottles since she works part-time. She just needed to make a choice (before calling) whether she would leave the child at home or just decline the shower. She did make it an ultimatum by saying/requesting the way she did.

OP...I'd love to know what your Mom decided to do.

skoogirl · December 2012

PeanutR1:
skoogirl:
lisa5201:
skoogirl:

Liz4444:

If you don't like how a host is throwing a party, don't go. Easy as that, you aren't the guest of honor, your presence isn't required.

I have a child and I enjoy going places without her, as much as I love her. I left her with my DH for my SIL's shower so I could relax and have a nice time.

Agreed. I don't think saying that you can't go if the child can't go is unreasonable. It's not an ultimatum, it's just the reality of being a mom for some of us. This would be less of a problem for me if I could leave DS with MH, but he's a chef and these parties are always planned for times when he works.

I do think instead of saying " I can't go unless my LO can come" is very different from saying, "I would love to attend, but can't because (can't find a sitter, LO is nursing...whatev). Hope you have a great time. Where should I drop off my gift?"

The first response puts your host in the very awkward position of feeling obligated to make a special exception for you, the second response lets the host know you respect their wishes for a child-free party implicitly, but gives them the option of making an exception for you of their of volition. Way different

For me it would be something like "I would love to go, but don't want to get a sitter" though. I won't lie. If the host feels strongly about not wanting children at the event, then the host should be able to stand their ground, not that I'm saying it's polite to ask for an exception in most cases, but for a nursing infant I do. I agree that the request to bring a nursing infant should have been directed at the host rather than the mother to be.

If you don't want to get a sitter, that's a personal problem. Not the host's. The world does not revolve around you - you are not the first person who has gone through life with an infant. To ask for an exception is rude in your case, too. An invitation is an invitation, not a demand to show up. If its not an event worth getting a sitter for, just RSVP no and move on.

I'm not suggesting that I would ask for an exception for my toddler. I'm saying that a mother nursing an infant could ask if that would be the exception. I don't think the world revolves around me. If the host states that children are not wanted/welcome then I would simply decline and drop off a gift (as I have done before and will do again). I wouldn't lie about the reason though. Trying to find a sitter plus having to go out to the car to pump breast milk in the middle of a shower don't sound worth it to me.

highlights · December 2012

mhickey426:
I don't like how she said that if she can't bring him she will send a gift in the mail. So if you don't let her son come then she isn't coming. That is rude. She isn't will to compromise then why should you. She pumps her son doesn't have to be there. I think it is also rude for her to put you on the spot like that. She didn't give you a choice to say no if you really don't want him there since by saying that you don't care if she is there or not. She could have asked the host of the party not you if she really wanted to bring him.

That's nuts. If my child wasn't invited to an event, it would make it very difficult for me to attend, honestly. My husband works weekends and isn't available to babysit. And if I'm going to pay money to buy you a nice gift, pay for gas to drive to the event and then pay for a babysitter? No thanks.

Also, an invitation is just that, an invitation, not a summons.

EastCoastBride · December 2012

skoogirl:

I'm not suggesting that I would ask for an exception for my toddler. I'm saying that a mother nursing an infant could ask if that would be the exception. I don't think the world revolves around me. If the host states that children are not wanted/welcome then I would simply decline and drop off a gift (as I have done before and will do again). I wouldn't lie about the reason though. Trying to find a sitter plus having to go out to the car to pump breast milk in the middle of a shower don't sound worth it to me.

I'm curious what comes after the "I don't want to get a sitter". Is it an immediate "So I won't be able to come" or is it a (pause).... waiting for the host to say "Oh, well then you can bring your child"?

Because you keep saying you won't lie, but what you wrote that you say - it comes across like you're fishing and that a pause comes after. Maybe it doesn't - who knows. But you don't have to lie to also say "I'd love to come but due to childcare, I won't be able to". It's not a lie but it also absolute puts NO onus on the host to say "oh, well then....".

skoogirl · December 2012

EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:

I'm not suggesting that I would ask for an exception for my toddler. I'm saying that a mother nursing an infant could ask if that would be the exception. I don't think the world revolves around me. If the host states that children are not wanted/welcome then I would simply decline and drop off a gift (as I have done before and will do again). I wouldn't lie about the reason though. Trying to find a sitter plus having to go out to the car to pump breast milk in the middle of a shower don't sound worth it to me.

I'm curious what comes after the "I don't want to get a sitter". Is it an immediate "So I won't be able to come" or is it a (pause).... waiting for the host to say "Oh, well then you can bring your child"?
Because you keep saying you won't lie, but what you wrote that you say - it comes across like you're fishing and that a pause comes after. Maybe it doesn't - who knows. But you don't have to lie to also say "I'd love to come but due to childcare, I won't be able to". It's not a lie but it also absolute puts NO onus on the host to say "oh, well then....".

In my experience, if I just say I'm sorry but I can't make it, they ask why. If asked I usually tell them that it is because MH is working and therefore I am taking care of our son.

PunkyBooster · December 2012

The issue is not whether she wants to pump. Pumping doesn't SUCK for every woman. It was NBD at all for me to pump.

I would tell your mom that you are fine with her baby coming. Ultimately, it's up to your mom.

And I also find it rude that she even asked but I'd side eye it way more if it were a mobile child. Just because I have one and I would never in a million years ever take him to a shower unless the invitation said his name and there would be other 2-3 year olds there for him to play with.

SarahBBowers · December 2012

Bliss+Berry:

There is a lot of WTF in this thread. Seriously. Who is that self absorbed that they worry a newborn is going to steal attention away from them. Also, sometimes showers are held in places that are just not appropriate for children, it doesn't mean that future children will not be loved or that people don't like kids. I have lots of friends who are mothers, but that doesn't mean they cease to exist as individuals. There is nothing wrong with leaving the house without a kid on your boob to enjoy a some cake and a mimosa, FFS.

I am going to have to make a spreadsheet to keep up with all the crazies around here.

SarahBBowers · December 2012

Bliss+Berry:

There is a lot of WTF in this thread. Seriously. Who is that self absorbed that they worry a newborn is going to steal attention away from them. Also, sometimes showers are held in places that are just not appropriate for children, it doesn't mean that future children will not be loved or that people don't like kids. I have lots of friends who are mothers, but that doesn't mean they cease to exist as individuals. There is nothing wrong with leaving the house without a kid on your boob to enjoy a some cake and a mimosa, FFS.

I am going to have to make a spreadsheet to keep up with all the crazies around here.

OMG I love this!

soaringflutes · December 2012

It won't matter in 10 years, so I think you are right in letting her bring her baby. I hope you have fun at your shower!

laurakaz13 · December 2012

EastCoastBride:
skoogirl:
I have done it but it feels like the mother to be and or hosts must not like children very much, which will make having their own that much tougher.
Oh good grief.

Agreed. Huge eye roll to that statement. Yup, I hate kids b/c I wanted none at my wedding or shower.

SingleMom31 · December 2012

I had a mom ask for an exception for her two girls, 3 and 7. As much as I didn't really want them there, I felt obligated to say yes because I know that they often have daycare issues and I wanted my friend to come. Btw i did check with the host and she left it up to me. Fast forward to the day of the shower... She left them at home with their dad because they weren't in the mood to sit still, so dad took the kids to the local family gym to swim. Seriously, why was that not Plan A? I was ticked for the host who had to pay for their plates anyway and was annoyed when she wanted to take cake home for them.

I won't make an exception again for kids at an otherwise adultonly event. Also, knowing how ticked I was, I won't ever ask for one.

silverfanatic · December 2012

I would say "yes" because she's your friend and having my friends there for me would be very important. I esp. don't see anything wrong with it because it isn't eating your food and jacking up the cost of the shower. The thing to keep in mind is that the baby is going to be so stinkin' cute that it will take alot of focus off of you on your day. This is probably why your mom is against it. Also, if the baby cries or does anything offbeat, all the other guests are going to make annoying comments like "just wait til your comes" or "see what you have to look forward to". In the end though, I think it's worth it share some limelight with a baby and keep from having a weird blimp in the friendship. She says she's ok with just RSVPing "no" but I know I would say the same and hold an internal grudge that my baby wasn't welcome somewhere.

Liz4444 · December 2012

silverfanatic:
I would say "yes" because she's your friend and having my friends there for me would be very important. I esp. don't see anything wrong with it because it isn't eating your food and jacking up the cost of the shower. The thing to keep in mind is that the baby is going to be so stinkin' cute that it will take alot of focus off of you on your day. This is probably why your mom is against it. Also, if the baby cries or does anything offbeat, all the other guests are going to make annoying comments like "just wait til your comes" or "see what you have to look forward to". In the end though, I think it's worth it share some limelight with a baby and keep from having a weird blimp in the friendship. She says she's ok with just RSVPing "no" but I know I would say the same and hold an internal grudge that my baby wasn't welcome somewhere.

You would hold a grudge? Why? Because everyone's life is all about you and your precious little bundle of poop and when it's not you get pissed? Your baby isn't always welcome everywhere, that's life. Grow up.

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