WWYD? didn't know friend was struggling w IF

Ballet513 · December 2012

I originally was not going to "announce" my pregnancy on FB but I posted around Thanksgiving time how I emailed family members to tell them and instead of replying to my email (sent from my gmail account to theirs so I don't even mean FB message) they wrote "congrats" and similar messages on my FB wall. A few people questioned their comments so I ended up just posting a cute quote ab babies and "We are expecting! EDD 6/13". Several people commented on that status and one of them a friend of mine who I've known since high school. We were super close when we were kids and these days we meet once a month or so for dinner. She left a "congrats" comment on my status and then texted me to cancel our dinner plans for this week. No problem I assumed something came up at work or whatever. I texted her back asking to reschedule and she never replied which is out of character for her. This morning (a few days since our last texts) I texted her to see if we could meet up next week for dinner and she responded with "Actually I don't think we can be friends anymore. I can't be around you while you're pregnant and certainly cannot be expected to meet your new baby. I've been married for 5 years and no baby you've been married less than a year and already pregnant. Life isn't fair" -- she just sent me this text like 10 minutes ago. Do I reply to this? What do I say? Of course I feel badly for her if she is struggling w/IF but I had no idea that was the case and didn't mention the pregnancy in my text to her. We aren't best friends or anything so I'm not someone she would confide in about something so personal. I feel hurt by her text but also understand that this is hard for me but again its not my fault and I wasn't trying to rub anything in her face. I'm not sure how to reply? I was thinking something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. If you feel like talking I'm here otherwise I'll respect your space, take care" WWYD?

heavenpaige · December 2012

I kinda like your response. She needs to know you care and are not trying to hurt her feelings. But also that you will respect her wishes and are here for her at the same time. I do think her wording in her texts were a little harsh tho. It just could of been said nicer and respect your feelings as well.

adeller11 · December 2012

I think the response you have in mind is very appropriate and is the best that you can do, considering everything. I am so sorry that she is taking it so badly -- I understand that she is hurting with her own issues, but I don't think it is right or fair to completely get rid of you as a friend because you are having a baby. I'm sad to say, but you will probably just have to come to terms with the fact that she will not be a part of your life anymore. Hopefully she will realize how harsh she is being, but don't count on that. I am so sorry about this, but I think you are handling it in the best way possible.

MissMarnee · December 2012

I think it's great that you are able to put your empathy for her before your hurt feelings. Your response is lovely I hope she is able to find a way to move past her own hurt anger, you sound like you'd be a good friend to have :

Bonjuju · December 2012

I think her text was a bit harshly worded but I have never had to deal with IF so maybe she is just feeling a bit emotional and reacted badly. I like your idea.

I would just say that you are sorry she feels this was but you understand and will respect her need for space and you will always be there if she wants to be friends again and wish her and her husband best of luck.

homebird · December 2012

That's pretty much what my SIL did to me when I got pregnant with DD. Only we HAD to see each other at family functions quite frequently. She went out of her way to talk to other people (including other pregnant women in the family) but snubbed me. *shrugs* She eventually came around, but it wasn't until she got pregnant through IVF a year after DD was born.

I know it's hard to deal with something like that. I struggled between trying to understand that she was going through something extremely painful (something that I didn't understand), but also feeling hurt and a little bit bitter about how I was treated.

I think your text is fine. She might come around ... she might not. You'll have to make your own peace with that. You can only show that you care and you want to support her - if that's what she wants.

megaroo64 · December 2012

SouthSideDrea:
I think your reply is fine. I'm sorry you may lose your friend over this, I understand the pain that accompanies IF, we struggled as well. However you don't have to apologize for your pregnancy, maybe your friend will come around with some time and space, maybe she won't.

This.

BLT20051 · December 2012

What a tough situation! I'm sorry this happened. I like your response and I think the best thing you can do is let her come around in her own time.

mrsfaz2be · December 2012

I struggled with IF and I think it's terrible has she's responding to you. It's not your fault she is having struggles. I never reacted that way to others and I just think its Lowsy. It reminds me of a cancer patient that can't be around those that don't have the disease. It's not your fault and it's unfortunate this is how she is handling it.

And, yes we struggled with IF, and losses. I can relate just think shes handling it poorly.

CocoMcGee · December 2012

I really like your reply. It leaves the door open for the friendship in the future, which really makes you a great friend. Hopefully with time and healing you two can be friends again.

jaymiegerard · December 2012

She's obviously very sensitive about this subject, so try to forgive her shortness.

I think your response sounds good - you let her know you are sorry she feels that way, you let her know the door is open, and you let her know that you're not going to push. You are being a good friend.

jaymiegerard · December 2012

Just thinking, it might also help to acknowledge her feelings. Even if by saying something like, "you're right, life isn't always fair" or, "It's obviously really hard for you and I'm sorry you are going through this."

Sometimes people just need to be validated to let go of their anger/pain...

Ballet513 · December 2012

Thank you ladies! I ended up sending that text. I also didn't appreciate the way she reacted and thought it was harsh but like PP's said IF is hard and you probably don't understand unless you've been there-- and I haven't. If she comes around great, if not I guess I lost a friend I've had since 9th grade which is pretty sad.

chelsmcl · December 2012

Wow, I think her response was a little harsh. When we were struggling trying to get pregnant I had other friends getting pregnant easily and I never cut them off. Sure I'd throw myself little pity party when I was alone but I realized the world couldn't stop just because I had issues.

I think your response is perfect, it shows her that you'll be there for her if she decides she's ready to be around you. Good luck, hopefully she'll come around.

kimberly_ann81 · December 2012

I like your response; sounds supportive. I'd also give her some time.

My sister and brother-in-law struggled with IF. They found out both had genetic conditions that made it impossible to have children. They were only a month or two away from adopting their son when DH and I started dating and was just over a year when we married. When we got pregnant with DS, without trying and only 5 months after the wedding, SIL was excited but also sad. I took her a day or two and then we had a good talk about it.

Everybody is different and reacts to the news differently. Hopefully, your friend will come around. If not she will end up very lonely if ever time a friend has a baby she ditches them.

AZMagnini14 · December 2012

homebird:
That's pretty much what my SIL did to me when I got pregnant with DD. Only we HAD to see each other at family functions quite frequently. She went out of her way to talk to other people (including other pregnant women in the family) but snubbed me. *shrugs* She eventually came around, but it wasn't until she got pregnant through IVF a year after DD was born.
I know it's hard to deal with something like that. I struggled between trying to understand that she was going through something extremely painful (something that I didn't understand), but also feeling hurt and a little bit bitter about how I was treated.
I think your text is fine. She might come around ... she might not. You'll have to make your own peace with that. You can only show that you care and you want to support her - if that's what she wants.

I am in the middle of this situation now. My SIL and I were best friends though, until she went off on my saying my pregnancy was the worst thing that could happen to her. Ughhh, so much for that relationship.

Goodluck!

BC&LM · December 2012

Ballet513:
I originally was not going to "announce" my pregnancy on FB but I posted around Thanksgiving time how I emailed family members to tell them and instead of replying to my email (sent from my gmail account to theirs so I don't even mean FB message) they wrote "congrats" and similar messages on my FB wall. A few people questioned their comments so I ended up just posting a cute quote ab babies and "We are expecting! EDD 6/13". Several people commented on that status and one of them a friend of mine who I've known since high school. We were super close when we were kids and these days we meet once a month or so for dinner. She left a "congrats" comment on my status and then texted me to cancel our dinner plans for this week. No problem I assumed something came up at work or whatever. I texted her back asking to reschedule and she never replied which is out of character for her. This morning (a few days since our last texts) I texted her to see if we could meet up next week for dinner and she responded with "Actually I don't think we can be friends anymore. I can't be around you while you're pregnant and certainly cannot be expected to meet your new baby. I've been married for 5 years and no baby you've been married less than a year and already pregnant. Life isn't fair" -- she just sent me this text like 10 minutes ago. Do I reply to this? What do I say? Of course I feel badly for her if she is struggling w/IF but I had no idea that was the case and didn't mention the pregnancy in my text to her. We aren't best friends or anything so I'm not someone she would confide in about something so personal. I feel hurt by her text but also understand that this is hard for me but again its not my fault and I wasn't trying to rub anything in her face. I'm not sure how to reply? I was thinking something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. If you feel like talking I'm here otherwise I'll respect your space, take care" WWYD?

It's definitely not your fault for not knowing, but even so, if it were me, I would probably add something along the lines of, "I am sorry; I did not know what you are going through."

lioness13 · December 2012

So sorry you are experiencing this! So sad many of us can relate. I think you are handling this very well.

I Love my Dave · December 2012

You know what life is a B. It's not fair but you did nothing wrong. I could see her being sad and jealous and need time to think but to defriend you is uncalled for.

Mommy2CB · December 2012

That's really not fair of your friend to do.. Yes it is hard being around people who are pregnant if you have been struggling or had a loss...been there.. But ending a friendship over it? Not okay. Her fertility issues have nothing to do with you and I am sure you would be very respectful of her feelings and not talk about your pregnancy at all when together if that's what she wished.. There are other things going on in both of your lives.. Yikes!

phishgirl29 · December 2012

I struggled for 3 years and in that time cut myself off from a friend who was also TTTC as well. Not because of any other reason other then the things she would say stupid things like "I'm prepping the womb" and such comments along those lines. Being around her became taxing and produced anxiety. We are both pregnant now 1.5 years later, but still haven't been in much contact. I've also been married for 5 years and know the hurt of a face.book pregnancy announcement.

I'm not saying what your friend did was right, and your response was perfect, but sometimes the IF mind snaps. I hope that you give her the benefit of the doubt when/if she's ready.

ChristyD6 · December 2012

Sorry you are dealing with this. I like the text you sent and I hope she comes around and you are able to be friends. If she isolates everyone in her life with children she will be very lonely

AmCheri · December 2012

Ballet513:
Thank you ladies! I ended up sending that text. I also didn't appreciate the way she reacted and thought it was harsh but like PP's said IF is hard and you probably don't understand unless you've been there-- and I haven't. If she comes around great, if not I guess I lost a friend I've had since 9th grade which is pretty sad.

I think your response is nice. And you're right -- you can't understand IF unless you've been through it. You just can't.

I wouldn't judge her or her response. IF brings pain and darkness that can change you. It's changed me. Give her time. And for your part, of course you've done nothing wrong. You deserve to celebrate your pregnancy, but understand that she may not be able to. I cried when my best friend told me that she was pregnant with her third child. I cried because I wanted that so much for us, but I couldn't give it to MH. Under similar circumstances it's possible to stay close if she's open to it and if you don't talk much about your pregnancy. Just be friends when she's ready.

hoopduck · December 2012

I think your response is perfect - it leaves the door open for friendship, and also lets her know you still care about her feelings. I've struggled with IF for almost nine years, and like the PP, I was not harsh to my pregnant friends nor did I cut them off for becoming pregnant. I did my grieving and hurting in private and left them out of it. She's obviously feeling down about your pregnancy, but she's let her bitterness over not being able to conceive cloud her judgement in my opinion. I hope your able to sort things out with her, but if she decides to totally cut you out, that's on her and I wouldn't feel too badly about it, OP.

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