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Walking in another's shoes

CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
in Adoption

So, the other day I posted something about how I am realizing that so many things I didn't understand before in the behavior of adoptive parents and parents of special needs children are now becoming clear to me, as they become my reality.  Tonight, I was struck by another, and I thought I would share it by way of example.

 Back in college, I had a good friend whose brother had MD and was wheelchairbound from a hound age.  His mother was his primary caregiver and advocate, in a time when accommodations weren't the norm, and spent his entire life working by his side.  I was blown away by her. Sadly, he died when we were in our 20s, and it was after that I heard that she was up all hours of the night.  You see, for his entire life, she poorer her soul into him during all his waking hours, so the only time she could get some alone time was when he, and the rest of the family, wom she never neglected either, was asleep.  In the wake of her loss, she was so used to staying up all night, she continued the habit years later.

 I never understood why she wouldn't return to a more normal sleeping schedule, especially since it was hurting her marriage, as she and her husband were rarely awake and energized at the same time.  More, though, I never understood why she started the behavior in the first place.  It just didn't make sense to me.  Why not sleep when her son slept? Why wear herself out, just so she could stay up and work on a crossword or read a book? I mean this was just a month or so, this went on for 20 years.

So, here I am at almost 2 in the morning, hanging out in my living room after havng a lat dinner, all by myself, and reveling in the quite moment after a particularly challenging day.  I was suddenly struck with a reminder of this woman whom I haven't thought about in years, and the fact that I now get it.  I get that having the alone time is not a ridiculous eccentricity of that woman, but a sanity saver even for me, one of the most extroverted people I know.  I get that it brings time to think, or not think, and to remember that you are more than mom, wife, and employee. I get that it offers a time and place to deal with all sorts of emptions or to engage in whatever pastimes help you not have to deal. I just get it, I get her.  I get that no matter how exhauseted she was or how late she stayed up, her exhaustion would have been millions of times worse has she not had those nighttime hours of respit and reprieve.

And with that, I just had to chuckle, because something that I always thought was so odd and I commented on many times over the years is now my sometimes normal.  My family life is nowhere near as demanding as hers was, so I can only imagine how precious thos wee hours were to her, and I can understand why she would fight giving them up when circumstances no longer demanded it, even at great detriment. I get it.  And with all the things that I'm suddenly "getting," I don't think I'll ever be able to dismiss another person's experiences or reality lightly again until I've really been in their circumstances. I've heard the old adage about not judging until you've walked a mile in the other's shoes before, and I really did try to consider a person's circumstances before judging in the past, but not I'm realizing that unless you actually walk the walk, you really can't have any idea how those circumstances impact their life. It's a while new world.... 

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Re: Walking in another's shoes

  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member

    Well said

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  • mommytoconnormommytoconnor member
    Well said indeed. I think each and every person should walk a mile in someone elses shoes before making judgements.  My son is adopted and has special needs and I never realized how much I used to judge others until I am in their position.  It puts things into perspective.
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  • smithpaintsmithpaint member
    Very well said.  Thank you for sharing.

     

     

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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    Sorry for all the typos.  I was typing, with fingers ablaze, on my husband's iPad, with now spell check and without being used to his keyboard.  I should have went back and proofread, but I was having trouble moving the cursor to where I needed to edit, so I gave up and hit post.
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  • donmitch79donmitch79 member
    Well said and a great reminder for life :)
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  • DaisyZHDaisyZH member
    That was beautiful, and such a good reminder that there is so much going on below the surface that we never see and therefore do not understand. 


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  • srmmm09srmmm09
    My husband just does not get that I need to stay up way too late at least once a month. It's fine that he doesn't get it because I'm not changing - I need some extended alone time every so often, and if 1am is the only time I can get it, then so be it!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers
    Application approved Dec '11
    Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
    After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
    Homestudy complete July 19
    USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
    Come home, baby A!
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  • jillianmbjillianmb member
    Another "well said" from me. Thanks for sharing.

    TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
    SA February 2011: Normal
    RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI

    Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption

    Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
    Court trip October 2012
    Home November 24 2012!

    Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues: 

    Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count 
    Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???

    Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013

    Adding a Burden
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