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Adoption
Potential EM Looking for Guidance/Advice
Hello.
I hope it is okay to post here. I am a potential EM. I am 21 weeks pregnant with my first, a little girl, and due on April 18, 2013. I am 22 and in my final year of undergrad classes. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and this pregnancy was a surprise to both of us. He is very supportive and we have been discussing adoption as a possible option for our daughter.
My plan was to always be married, have a stable career, a house, and a college degree before having a baby. This pregnancy was very shocking as I was on the pill and we generally use condoms as back up. It took me awhile to process is all and I am honestly still not sure what I want to do. I know I have many weeks to consider still, but I really want to feel comfortable in my decision, especially if I decide to place. I love my daughter, but I want her to have the best life possible. If she stays with us she will be provided for, but I selfishly have goals and a plan. I want to make sure I provide my child(ren) the absolute best.
If you are a BM or an EM, how did you make the decision to move forward toward adoption? Did you at any point change your mind and/or change it back? How early in the pregnancy did you look into adoption? If you proceeded forward with adoption, is it open or closed? I would want an open adoption if we decide to place our daughter.
I have an appointment to meet with an adoption counselor next week, but I wanted to get advice/feedback from people who have been there.
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Re: Potential EM Looking for Guidance/Advice
I just want to welcome you... I am an adoptive parent. We have a few Emoms and Bmoms on this board... I am sure they'll be anxious to give you perspective.
My only suggestion would be to talk w/an agency that offers some counseling. A good agency is not going to try and sway you one way or the other but offer perspective and perhaps an opportunity to network with couples that have been in a similar situation.
My best to you....
I am sorry that your match fell through.
I would like to establish a relationship with the adoptive parents but I certainly am not ready in any capacity to pick a family now. I will explore all my options before making a firm decision. Thank you for your feedback.
Here is my story. Hope this helps. I apologize in advance for the novel..
I became pregnant in high school. I was not considering adoption until my mom brought me to an agency and I learned about open adoption. I wanted to parent my baby so bad it made my heart ache but I could not. I however did not think my heart could handle saying goodbye.
Once I learned about open adoption I began to consider an adoption plan for my baby since I found out that it did not have to be a goodbye and with open adoption there was not the scary unknown. Before meeting my birthson's parents I did have a lot of moments when I thought I could not go through with it. Sometimes something would happen like I would see a child with his/her mother and would hear the words "mommy" And then I would break down in tears and call my husband then boyfriend and tell him I couldn't do it. I still felt it was the best decision to continue an adoption plan. Around the end of my 5th month I had picked the parents that I wanted to meet after viewing profiles and we arranged a meeting at the agency.
The meeting was like a very awkward first date LOL, but I liked them right away and it felt right. We met numerous times after that meeting. Very soon after getting to know them my mind was made up that they were going to be his patents. Once I felt confident I told them my decision. From then on he was their baby. I had to keep that mindset. I asked them to name him and I stopped myself from imagining us raising him. I still had no idea how I was going to gather the strength to sign those papers at the hospital and leave without my baby but I told myself that I was confident in my decision and I would not let my pain change my mind.
That day in the hospital when I signed those papers was the most painful experience of my life. I made my self go numb and go in auto pilot as I signed my name.
I have an open adoption with my birthson. We have visits and those visits mean the world to me. Seeing him smile makes the pain go away. I am content and at peace with my decision because I know and can see he is doing well and has great parents who have given him what I could not.
If you have any questions I'm happy to answer them. I hope you find a decision that brings you peace.
Another adoptive mom, and echoing that there are are some BMs and EMs here.
I'm glad you're meeting with an adoption counselor. You're taking some good steps to help decide what your next steps are, whether you parent or make an adoption plan.
You will most likely be seeing most agencies encouraging open adoption, so that shouldn't be an issue if that's what you want. Level of openness may be a factor in who you match with, and/or it may change over time. E-parents are usually the drivers in that respect.
GL and I'm thinking of you as you make your decision.
I'm a BM and placed my daughter 15 years ago so, believe it or not, the details of the process I went through are now a little foggy. Obviously, no one can make this decision for you but here's a little of my story that will hopefully help you.
I was 17 years old when I got pg after a one night stand. I was very much in denial of what was going on and didn't admit to being pg until I was nearly 5 mos along. My mom almost immediately jumped to adoption and for me that sounded like a good solution. I was young and I too had plans for myself. My mother made it very clear that she was not going to raise this baby as she had raised 5 of her own, the birth father was nowhere in the picture and my mom painted a very bleak picture of what the future would hold for my daughter and I if I were to choose to parent.
I was on the fence to begin with but met with an adoption counselor and learned about open adoption. Once I learned that I would be able to know about my daughter's life I felt that it was something I could do. I started going through the process of choosing a family and when I met the couple who would become my daughter's parents I just knew that this was meant to be. I know that sounds cheesy but that's how I felt at the time and I have never really questioned that feeling. I have always felt that I got pregnant so that they could become a family.
Now, 15 years later, I'm a lawyer with two young sons. My daughter and her family are very happy and we have an extremely open relationship. By all measures I would say that it has turned out for the best, however, there have been and continue to be bumps in the road.
Over the years my views on my decision to place have changed a bit. I do feel that my mother really influenced my decision and can't help but wonder whether I would have made a different choice if I would have had her support.
I also really looked at the adoption as a final solution to what I saw at the time as problem. What I see now is that with open adoption there is no real final solution and that issues have arisen over time that I didn't quite anticipate. I didn't realize how hard it would be when I had other kids. I really had to grieve again all over following the birth of my older son as it was only then that I fully understood the breadth of my loss. I am also now really struggling with how to integrate my daughter into my sons lives and how to make them understand what happened. Some other issues have recently come up with her bio dad's other biological daughter and I'm now having to introduce them which has opened up another whole can of issues that I didn't foresee.
Anyway, I fell like I'm rambling now but I guess my two main points and pieces of advice are 1) make sure that this is what you want and not what someone else wants for you, and 2) realize that with open adoption you are entering into a relationship for which there isn't always a road map and that will continually grow and evolve for the rest of your life.
I wish you the best of luck.