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Blended Families
awesomenus1341
member
Step-Children and Blended Families
awesomenus1341
member
I posted this on thenest and a few people suggested trying this board (didn't know it existed!).
Hi all,
I apologize ahead of time for the long post. I was hoping to get some feedback from those of you who are part of a blended family. Some background information. My husband and I just got married this past October. He has a 3 1/2 year old son who has been actively part of our relationship since a few months after we started dating. His son and I have gotten along from day one (granted he is 3), and his parents split up when he was only 8 months old so he has no recollection of them ever being together. She and I have our moments of mutual respect and mutual dislike (to put it kindly) for one another; we err on the side of respect at all times when my SS is present. While I have to say that the road has been a long one, we have all made a lot of progress in our relationships with one another and with SS and things look promising to only continue that way.
My concern, and probably prematurely so, is what the future will entail when involving our own bio children. Neither of us are in a hurry for kids of our own yet.Of course with the recent marriage everyone is asking about a baby. We talked from the beginning about our plans for the future and agreed we would (eventually) like to have 2 of our own. However, after everything that has transpired with my ss and his mom and our lives in general, I am beginning to question how to make that future the best for everyone involved. I am concerned with how my feelings will change towards my ss, how his will change as he gets older and has more realization of the dynamics between families. I worry about my DH feeling guilty for ss and how much he missed out on. I worry he won't love our kids the same as he does his first child (although he was deployed for the entire pregnancy and birth and was not even stationed in the same state until his son was 3mo old, so all of that experience will be a first for him). I looked on a few step-parent forums and was mortified at the number of "I hate my step-child" posts, or "my DH treats our kids terribly but spoils his child with no rules etc." I love my ss, but I know that it is not the same unconditional love that you have with your own bio children. Can anyone offer any insight/advice on making this a positive experience, or have any personal stories involving step-children/step-parents/blended families. Oh also, we discussed rules regarding how we want to raise children very early on. We are on the same page and ss follows the rules that our future children together, if we have them, will also be expected to uphold while in our household. Of course we are a little more lenient right now because he is only 3 and has much more liberal expectations with his mom full-time (as in we don't find cussing funny, but he isn't immediately in trouble for something that is a joke at his mother's house for example).
I am not trying to get too far ahead of myself, but since the topic has come up more and more, DH and I have revisited the idea a few times. He knows my concerns, and shares some of the same. Again, we aren't planning for anytime soon but after reading so much negative talk about the entire situation, I have begun to question if I really want any of my own at all, just for fear of ending up in such a terrible dynamic.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Step-Children and Blended Families
Welcome. I hope you find lots of insight here. It's been a great source of support for me, even when I'm just lurking!
My situation is similar to yours. DH has a 4 year old son and I've been in his life since he was 1.5 years old. DH and BM divorced very early and SS has very little, if any memories of when they were together.
I have also thought many of the things that you have thought about in wondering about the future and how it's going to change. I have wondered if it would be fair to bring my own children into such a complicated scenario. The bottom line is that you have to do what's right for you and your whole family at this point. DH and SS were a package. I knew that's what I was signing up for, so if I didn't want to bring a child into that, then I wouldn't have married him. I wouldn't worry about how your feelings for SS will change if you have your own. There is nothing that can replace the bond between you and your own children (I have none of my own, yet. But I'm currently pregnant and have been before with a loss and the bond and feelings are different even now). But love is something that has many facets and you can love your DH, SS and own children at the same time. In the end we just do the best we can.
It's not an easy road being in a BF. I wouldn't choose to do it again if I had a choice. This has BY FAR been the hardest thing that I have ever done. But I love DH and I am in this with him to the end. Hold on to the strengths in your marriage and keep open communication. That will help. And always remember that you won't be able to control what goes on at BMs even though it may be a source of frustration. Good luck with everything.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
Other people can give more experience to this though because my SD was 11 when I met her and 17 when our DS was born so it is different.
BF's are not easy. It will be hard and things won't always, if ever be perfect. But if you have love you just hold things together as best as you can. Choose your battles and don't fret about every little thing.
I recommend the book Stepmonster. It might be written more for stepmoms of older children but it has a ton of helpful insight into the dynamics of being a stepmom.
Having a baby was the greatest dream and joy of my life I couldn't have imagined going through this life without this experience. Albeit my toddler drives me nuts sometimes I love him so much. If you want children of your own then do it.
"It's not an easy road being in a BF. I wouldn't choose to do it again if I had a choice. This has BY FAR been the hardest thing that I have ever done. But I love DH and I am in this with him to the end."
I have to say I have thought this multpile times over the course of this whole ordeal. I love DH and couldn't imagine my life without him in it, but I would not choose to go through all this again. I guess a BF never crossed my mind growing up (who plans that?) so now that we are looking forward to our life together, a lot of those ideas of what my future family would do and traditions we would have and etc. are being twisted with the added addition of an EOWE ss who has the same needs as any child growing up, but is split between two households and two very different families. Priorities have changed and a lot of the things I had once pictured doing have changed based on the "full package" which I knew going in. Just a lot of anxiety about trying to be fair to ss and bio kids, plus keeping some sanity and enjoying a BF. Thanks for the advice!
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I can completely understand how you feel...it is not easy. I feel comforted and encouraged from reading these threads and knowing there are others who have similar struggles in their family situation. From our experience, I know that step parenting is best when they?re young -- it's great you can relate so well to your SS. There?s a book ?The Smart Stepmom? by Ron Deal that you might be interested in and also found good articles in the Focus on the Family website for blended families. Best to you!