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Pregnant after a Loss
Chocodoxies
member
Niece abandoned her baby: Part II
Chocodoxies
member
Back in August I posted about my niece who had abandoned her daughter. After not seeing her daughter for over six months (with the three hour exception of Halloween) she has taken the baby back from the only mother she had really known (the father's parents have been raising her 24/7). The poor baby cried for three days straight missing her "mommy" and is having some really serious attachment/abandonment issues.
Please understand, simply because she has resumed custody does not mean that she is an active member in her daughter's life. My niece doesn't have a consistent place to live, nor a job to support this child. She also continues to show zero responsibility, or remorse for her actions nor any true understanding of how to be a parent or interest in learning. As I said before, she has displayed a complete lack of conscience and is believed to have sociopathic personality disorder. Needless to say I have completely disassociated from the situation as it is not my ability to do anything about it.
My SIL (this girls mother) brings this girl with her to every family get together whether my niece was invited or not (my daughter's 5th birthday for example). So here is the crux of the issue, my SIL will come visit in the hospital, or afterward, and she will likely bring my niece along. Now, I have no input on her attending family functions as she is family, however I do not want my niece visiting me in the hospital where she will coo and fawn over my LO as if she just adores babies while I am seething.
If I state that she specifically can not visit (which I would like to do) it will create a multitude of issues with my family and that is simply not acceptable. If I state that no one can visit me in the hospital, I will deeply hurt my family as we are all very close knit. I intend to use a Moby wrap for family get-togethers so I can simply blame the difficulty of untying her from me as to why I am not handing her over, but how exactly do I deal with my niece showing up at my home or hospital room and pretending to be so crazy about babies when she can't even be bothered to raise her own daughter?
On a total side note, I just received an e-mail from my SIL stating that I should bring a birthday gift for my niece to Christmas Eve since she doesn't want a party, but she wants the gifts. She would like a 20" TV, a black lab puppy, or a trip to Monterey Bay..... No, she is not kidding.
Help me ladies, what would you do?
Lost but never forgotten 
: </br>
1st BFP 2/8/06 m/c @ 12 weeks;
2nd BFP 2/9/07 w/ Clomid; DD (Monica Caroline) born 11/16/07;
3rd BFP 3/25/11 w/ injections m/c @ 5 weeks;
4th BFP 8/3/11 w/ injections diagnosed blighted ovum;
5th BFP 1/20/12 m/c @ 9 weeks;
6th BFP 4/27/12 Praying for our rainbow
: </br>
1st BFP 2/8/06 m/c @ 12 weeks;
2nd BFP 2/9/07 w/ Clomid; DD (Monica Caroline) born 11/16/07;
3rd BFP 3/25/11 w/ injections m/c @ 5 weeks;
4th BFP 8/3/11 w/ injections diagnosed blighted ovum;
5th BFP 1/20/12 m/c @ 9 weeks;
6th BFP 4/27/12 Praying for our rainbow
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Niece abandoned her baby: Part II
BFP #2 8/22/12 | EDD 5/5/13 | DS1 born 5/9/13
BFP #3 4/25/15 | EDD 1/7/16 | MMC 7/2/15 @ 13w1d | D&E 7/8/15
BFP #4 12/9/15 | EDD 8/22/16 | DS2 born 5/18/16 at 26w2d
Just keep swimming.
<ETA: disclaimer!! I may be a bad person. hehe>
Maybe this sounds .... insensitive... but I don't understand why you can't tell your SIL that you don't want anything to do with her abusive, psychotic wench of a daughter. Why would this offend your family (ok, well maybe if you put it like that)?
Her needs/feelings? What about your needs/feelings? It's your call, but your family should respect your wishes, especially since you're not the one that's a disgrace to the family.
If you don't want to voice your opinion on the girl, you could just tell her mother that you don't want more than one visitor at a time, I guess...
Sometimes you can't avoid hurting people's feelings no matter what you do. Would you rather endure your niece or enjoy your stay in the hospital? I dunno..
And for goodness sakes, you're not obligated to buy anyone a gift... or it wouldn't be called a gift it would be called a sacrifice or an offering
Well, aside from the whole sad situation with the baby, I'm appalled that your SIL would actually tell you that this chick wants gifts AND tells you what you should buy.
On both the hospital issue and the present issue, I would tell this girl to eat a bag of d*cks...but I'm clearly grumpy and 33 weeks pregnant and I know that my suggestion isn't helpful.
Cycle 9: BFP 5-3-12:EDD 1-24-13 It's a girl! Born 12-27-12
That's such a tough situation. I wouldn't want her there either, but I have no idea how to approach that with your sister. But I totally understand your angst on the situation, and I hope you find a peaceful resolution. I also hope she's taking great care of her baby, and I hope it's not going to be forever traumatic to her.
As far as the gift goes, that made me laugh. I mean seriously, I wouldn't expect any of that from my own parents, much less my aunt. And why does she need a puppy if she can't even take care of her baby. To that, I'd just find the humor in it, and get her a gift card to Carters and/or a book on parenting. What's up with the entitled nature people have today? Who asks someone for all that? It's seriously nuts.
Take care of yourself and baby, let all this other crap fall by the wayside.
We lost our first (EDD 07/23/12) after finding out at 12 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat. Our rainbow was born 05/22/13 and was worth all we went through.
“So can you understand? Why I want a daughter while I’m still young? I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before all this damage is done. But if it’s too much to ask, it’s too much to ask … Then send me a son.” – Arcade Fire
Oh, I like you! Everything you have said here I would ADORE saying, and have spent time thinking about. The main reason I have not done so is this, my SIL came from this really vindictive family (if you can call them a family) and she really struggles to understand how to be IN a family. My mother and I are very close, and as a result anything I say or do tends to affect my mother. My mother has asked that I refrain from saying anything that will make my SIL yank my two youngest nieces (ages 1 and 3) from our family, and she absolutely would in a heartbeat. My brother would be caught in the middle, my family would be affected, and my nieces could lose contact with everyone. SO... as a result, we all have to walk on eggshells. I am holding out hope that my family will get tired of this song and dance and do something about it, but until they do I have abided by their wishes.
This might be the point where you draw the line in the sand and say that you're not longer going to welcome certain family members into your life. You're MORE THAN able to tell people who you would and wouldn't like at the hospital when you're recovering from childbirth.
Maybe I am a b*tch but I wouldn't let creating family drama be what's holding me back here. I would tell the SIL outright that those gifts are inappropriate for someone that can hardly take care of her own child (a puppy... really?), and that it's rude to ask for them outright. I email my sisters before my niece/nephews birthdays every year to see what they're interested in to give them a gift they want... but they're less than 10 years old and I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask the parents to keep an element of surprise for those kids... a vacation? a freaking TV? This niece of yours doesn't deserve this stuff and she certainly doesn't need to be a part of your life.
I think if you want to be diplomatic here - you're going to have to have your H step in and talk to your SIL. There's no easy way to handle this and yes it's going to be messy. But I think it'll set an example and quite honestly even though the niece and SIL may dislike or even hate you for a while - it could be what starts to set both of them straight. Sounds like they both could use a dose of reality.
I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. I think that your feelings are very valid (not that my opinion matters), and while I can see family members wanting to "keep the peace," I don't necessarily think that you should be forced to supress your feelings and put on a happy face all the time. I also think that while we should all strive to be kind, loving, and accepting, this does not mean that you must subject yourself to drama or toxic people willingly. You have every right to distance yourself from someone who makes you miserable. This is not unkind, this is realistic self-preservation. Are your feelings any less important than those of your SIL or niece? I'm just having a hard time understanding. I think you've taken the higher road already by deciding not to attend family functions when you know your niece will be there. That way she can be included, but you do not need to suffer emotionally. I think that the birth of YOUR child is much different than a standard family function, however. In this case, it is your perogative to decide who is or is not welcome and I would just be honest in saying that your niece is not welcome. Perhaps some will think me too rude/harsh, but I prefer to think of it as not making myself a doormat for others to walk all over.
I just read your second post regarding the fragility of the family situation and the need for walking on eggshells... That definitely complicates things, but personally I would only be able to sacrifice so much to accomodate the situation (and I think the birth of my child would take the priority here - but that's just me!).
Can we be friends??? lmao!!
Ugh. This is tough. In all seriousness, I'm sorry that you're in this situation..
Have you tried explaining to your SIL why her daughter's behavior hurts you so much? Maybe she could "understand"?
Oh, kpowers I love you!!! I am dying over here! Thank God I'm wearing a pantyliner...
BFP#1 on 02/14/09 BIRTH to Mason 6lb9oz on 10/12/09
BFP#2 on 5/28/11 EDD 2/1/12 Natural M/C on 6/13/11
BFP#3 on 1/20/12 EDD 9/30/12 Natural m/c on 1/27/12
BFP#4 on 4/23/12 BIRTH to Isabella 7lb1oz on 12/19/12
Ladies, I can not thank you enough for your kind and thoughtful responses. There are some really great ideas in here that I would totally utilize... until I just got this notification in my e-mail:
"Your niece" tagged you in a post on Facebook
Family is the most important thing in the world. My family is not defined by the blood that runs through my veins. It's defined by the people that have always been there for me. It's defined as the people I know will always be there for me. I love my family and I know they love me.
AND.... I am done! I am telling you, highly paid sitcom writers couldn't come up with this crap! If it weren't so darn infuriating, it would be almost comical. I am done beating around the bush. My body, my baby, my rules. She is not coming, end of discussion.
Yay! Well.. not exactly "yay", but good for you!
Some people...