Any tips on how to remain calm? Being shown for the 1st time.

Mush-Tastic · December 2012

I'm sure this gets easier every time, but we have only been in the waiting pool 1 day and we already are having our profile shown this coming Friday to an EM with a scheduled C-section 12/26! HOLY SMOKES! She has looked through all the potential profiles through our agency that fit certain qualifications and she hasn't felt connected to any of them at this point. Now that we're home study approved, I got the call from my SW this afternoon inquiring if we'd like to be shown. The only hiccup in this is that EM desires a closed adoption. We were hoping for the exact opposite, but I also realize that our desires aren't always going to be fulfilled and we want to be available and respectful of her needs and wishes.

So we definitely weren't expecting even the opportunity to arise for this to happen so fast. How do I not flip out the next 4 days? I realize this probably isn't even going to be the last time we'll be shown (not counting on this match and getting my hopes up). Does it get easier with each time?

We already survived that crazy drama 6 weeks ago with that call I got in the middle of the work day asking us to come be considered for a baby born that morning. I think I handled that a whole lot better than this. Maybe cuz this seems more real and legit since we're approved now?

Dr.Loretta · December 2012

If it's your baby, it will happen.

Repeat as necessary

In all honesty, we weren't told we were shown until after. We were only called about one profile where it didn't meet all our criteria, and we had to make a snap decision about whether or not to be shown. NOT a fun evening.

I'll be thinking of you and sending calming vibes.

lafayettegirl · December 2012

As PP posted, repeat "If it is our baby, it will happen" over and over and over again.

This is a roller coaster. In the last 4 months we were shown 13 times. At first, we would get really excited and trying to figure out logistics. Then we would be turned down and we would get really disappointed, angry, etc. What you have to remember is that you are going to be perfect for someone, just not everyone. Be cautiously optimistic, but understand that it may not happen and there may be no reason the SW can give to you as to why. Remember that you spent a lot of time on your profile and it is great or your SW would have you continue to work on it. There is no rhyme or reason to how BMs pick, so you may just get an email that says "Sorry, she picked someone else" and not much more information. Don't run out and change your profile or compromise on what type of child you are looking for - you and your partner have made certain choices for certain reasons, so don't be quick to change your minds if you get turned down a couple of times. You don't want to end up with a child that isn't right for your family just to have a child in your home. (And trust me, it is easy to want to compromise what you want when you've been turned down a couple of times.)

We turned the corner at Thanksgiving when we were turned down for #12 and #13. we realized that we needed to focus and be thankful for what we have and what we have to offer. And we started praying that the baby is placed not necessarily in our family, but in the RIGHT family. Then we prayed for our baby to come to us.

A number of people on this board have placed quickly, some of us have not. If you join the ranks of the quick, congrats and super big hugs. If not, give me a shout. DH and I have transitioned into a phase where we are much more emotionally guarded when we are shown. That comes with the territory I guess. I can talk to you more specifically about how we've dealt with it. It does get easier with time, but the first couple can be tricky to get through.

I've added you to my prayer list and I've crossed my fingers and toes for you!!!

Mush-Tastic · December 2012

Good plan! I will repeat that constantly!

Is it typical that people aren't usually aware when their profiles are shown? We will be told every time an EM situation arises that meets criteria we'd put into place and actually see a full summary on the birth parents. We then have some time to decide if we want to be shown or not to them. Does that just depend on the agency?

Dr.Loretta · December 2012

As lafayettegirl mentioned, there is no rule on what makes you a match, so I agree to just try and let things percolate for a while and see how it goes. Our SW told us it might be time to tweak our profile and/or our criteria if we hadn't been matched after 9 months.

DD's BM said she picked us because there was a picture of DH wearing a silly hat. Random, but that's how it goes.

Mush-Tastic · December 2012

lafayettegirl:
As PP posted, repeat "If it is our baby, it will happen" over and over and over again.
This is a roller coaster. In the last 4 months we were shown 13 times. At first, we would get really excited and trying to figure out logistics. Then we would be turned down and we would get really disappointed, angry, etc. What you have to remember is that you are going to be perfect for someone, just not everyone. Be cautiously optimistic, but understand that it may not happen and there may be no reason the SW can give to you as to why. Remember that you spent a lot of time on your profile and it is great or your SW would have you continue to work on it. There is no rhyme or reason to how BMs pick, so you may just get an email that says "Sorry, she picked someone else" and not much more information. Don't run out and change your profile or compromise on what type of child you are looking for - you and your partner have made certain choices for certain reasons, so don't be quick to change your minds if you get turned down a couple of times. You don't want to end up with a child that isn't right for your family just to have a child in your home. (And trust me, it is easy to want to compromise what you want when you've been turned down a couple of times.)
We turned the corner at Thanksgiving when we were turned down for #12 and #13. we realized that we needed to focus and be thankful for what we have and what we have to offer. And we started praying that the baby is placed not necessarily in our family, but in the RIGHT family. Then we prayed for our baby to come to us.
A number of people on this board have placed quickly, some of us have not. If you join the ranks of the quick, congrats and super big hugs. If not, give me a shout. DH and I have transitioned into a phase where we are much more emotionally guarded when we are shown. That comes with the territory I guess. I can talk to you more specifically about how we've dealt with it. It does get easier with time, but the first couple can be tricky to get through.
I've added you to my prayer list and I've crossed my fingers and toes for you!!!

Thank you so much for this insight! I will update you when we know something.

IRR · December 2012

My advice is to learn to enjoy roller coasters. 47 hours to go and I am still not 100 this baby is ours even though I have told her all about her cousins and family looking forward to meeting her. Our parents are dying because they want a picture and I can't sent until the TPR is signed. Hang on it might get worse before getting better. Fingers crossed for you.

DaisyZH · December 2012

I don't have any advice, although it looks like you've got some great tips already : ) I'm excited for you though, and my thoughts and prayers for you while you wait to hear back.

Dr.Loretta · December 2012

Mush-Tastic:

Good plan! I will repeat that constantly!

Is it typical that people aren't usually aware when their profiles are shown? We will be told every time an EM situation arises that meets criteria we'd put into place and actually see a full summary on the birth parents. We then have some time to decide if we want to be shown or not to them. Does that just depend on the agency?

I think it's pretty agency-specific. We were never told ahead of time unless something didn't match our criteria. Then we were given the option whether we wanted to be shown or not. I would call every month or 2 to see how often we'd been shown, and the agency had a rate they considered "good" for number of showings per month.

maryoosa · December 2012

How very exciting! No advice---'cause we're not even on the profiling page yet. But best luck!

[Deleted User] · December 2012

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Ginger71 · December 2012

No advice as we have been approved since 6/4/12 and have not been shown yet but I wanted to wish you luck!!!!!!! Hoping this is your baby

sgb721 · December 2012

I'm saying a prayer for you guys. Staying calm is hard, just try deep breathing and find tasks to occupy you so that time goes by.

sgb721 · December 2012

I'm actually asking our agency not to tell us when our profile is shown, just to contact us when a BM would like to meet with us or needs more information, I'm doing it because I'm a nerve ball and it will stress me out too much.

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Any tips on how to remain calm? Being shown for the 1st time.

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