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Adoption
How do I tell her?
You ladies have already been so helpful and I havent even been here a week! Anyways Today I started thinking about not only my feelings with this adoption but with Olivia's how do you explain growing this baby and then not bringing baby hoime to a little girl who still gets scared that I wont pick her up from school everyday!
I want to introduce this whole idea early, some people I ahve talked to have said that maybe I should wait until im further along so if I do change my mind im not confusing her but I cant, I wont I am not able to change my mind, no matter how much this baby will forever be "mine" I wasnt meant to be its mom for life.
Anyways does anyone know any good books that introduces the idea of adoption to little ones? Preffeable not something to difficult. I want her to really feel like she is apart of the process andbe informed as much as she is able to be!
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Re: How do I tell her?
No "real" advice. But just from the few interactions that I have seen on here you care deeply about your children. You will make the right decision on how to tell your daughter.
Hopefully someone else will have some more concrete information for you.
Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
You dont know how good that feels to hear. Thank you for making my day so much sweeter!
I don't have any books to offer, but wanted to share my initial thoughts. I may be wrong, but I think at your daughter's age, it would be a jump for her to think that because you aren't bringing home/raising the baby that you might not come to pick her up. I think, to her, your family consists of you and her, and that's it. It generally takes lots of time for kids to understand when a new sibling joins the family that it's forever. I think as long as you remain consistent that you are growing this baby so another family can have a new baby and raise it, she will understand that. As long as you and others aren't referring to the child as one of your family members, I don't think she'll see it as the same as if you raised the child for a while and then, one day, didn't return or let her live with someone else.
I'm not sure I'm explaining that well. Did my point come across? I don't believe that she'll infer that you allowing another family to raise this baby in any way relates to how you might act with her, because she doesn't see this baby as her equal as your child.
Perhaps when you choose an adoptive family that might be a good jumping off point to explain things? You could introduce them to her and start a dialogue with her about what is going to happen.
I'm not sure if she likes Dinosaur Train on PBS but the teranadon (I have NO idea how to spell that lol) has a nest of eggs and when they hatch one of the 4 is a T-Rex. She explains that she is his mom and that even though they look different families are made many different ways. This is all in the opening theme song, then they go off on their dinosaur adventures lol. If she likes the show that might be a good way to introduce the topic, maybe? I know that's a little silly sounding
Yes, you got my point. I was worried I wasn't making any sense. I'm glad that came through.
You mentioned that you were going to start therapy/counseling soon, right? Maybe this is a topic you can ask your therapist and see what they recommend?
I just know that M has a lot of abandonment issues, so I feel I understand where you are coming from, but I just wonder if that jump is too big for her to make. Of course I think it should all be explained to her, so she's not left to make up her own version of reality, but I wonder if this would trigger her own fears because it's so abstract.
I know there's a book out there, I'm just trying to find it. It's a storybook for kids being parented by e-moms who are making an adoption plan. If I can figure out what it's called, I'll pass it along.
ETA: I found it. It's called Sam's Sister. It might be a little advanced for your 3yo (the age recommendation is K-grade2), but you might want to read it anyway and see what you think.
This may be a crazy idea, but when my mom was pregnant with my brother I was 3. She never told me she had a "baby in her belly" and I had no idea. I just went about life being the baby of the family. Then when he was born I thought it was a great surprise.
Maybe you could just put little emphasis on it when around her? At three and with Downs--I'm a special ed teacher--it is very likely she won't fully comprehend any of it. Maybe just focus on making her life consistent and happy and leave the worry and stress to you? Just an idea... I am by no means an expert
I don't have any book suggestions or too much advice.
But, DS's BM had a 3 year old when she was pregnant, and I don't know exactly how she explained it to him, but I know that he did know she had a baby in her belly, but not until she was further along and it was really obvious. And once we were matched with her, she showed him pictures of us and told him that when the baby was born, it would go to live with us. Her brother had just had a baby, so I think it was easier for her son to understand the whole concept. I know he did ask "where's the baby?" when she came home from the hospital, and she explained to him again that he went to live with us, and showed him pictures of us with DS, and I think she said something along the lines of he lives with them, just like how Olivia lives with Rob (his niece and uncle), they're family but they don't live with us. At that age they usually accept simple answers and move on pretty quickly.
Thank-you so much ladies! I am going to head to barnes and noble today and see if I can find that book "Sam's sister" Even if its a little to much I can always just flip some of the words
I think right now being only 10 weeks im not going to stress to much about it but I dont want to just plop it on her at say 37 weeks, does that make sense? I want her to be as involved and knowledgable as any 3 yr old really can be....
I've heard of families in which the mother becomes a surrogate and explains it to her children. The kids tend to get the idea if it's explained simply to them, and in the cases I've heard, think it's really cool and want to share it.
I've heard of a situation where the little girl (although she was older than 3) told a virtual stranger, "My mommy has a baby growing in her tummy, but it's not my sister/brother. It's going to live with ____ after it's born, because they really want a baby and can't have one on their own!"