Oh, FFS ILs! WDYT? (long)

kristin172429 · December 2012

Some of you may remember this about DH's family, but it has been a whole year (!)...

Here is the backstory: BIL lives in VA. He comes up every Christmas. We hosted him at our house for 5 years. He is an ungrateful and inconsiderate houseguest. He also brings his daughter and just assumes I will watch her. He does not help cook, clean, or really do a gosh darn thing while he is here. Last year, I finally put my foot down. We had hosted him 5 years and we just turned the guest room into the nursery. I wasn't dealing with him at 8 months pregnant, either. He stayed with the in-laws. It was a disaster. BIL complained to us all about having to stay there which irritated the utter crap out of me (people are letting you stay in THEIR home for FREE, feeding you, watching your kid, etc). FIL almost had a complete mental breakdown - his is severely OCD and refuses to get treatment for it. He was completely stressed out the entire time. He even got super ticked off, blew up, and took off for a drive one night. MIL was in tears. Horrible.

So, cut to this year: FIL emails DH asking if we can take in BIL this year claiming he "can't get the time off" (translation: I refuse to get treatment for my OCD, so I can't even have my own stepson and granddaughter as guests in my home, even though it makes my wife incredibly upset and sad because she wants her child and grandchild to feel welcome in her home).

We have no space here. We would be shoving him onto pull-out couch in DH's game room and his daughter on a mattress on a floor somewhere. I told DH I could compromise and split time, but I absolutely, 100% refuse to have him here on Christmas morning. It is our first Christmas with Ben and I want to share that with just our little family. After Christmas, fine. He can stay for a few days. I have no idea how having them in our house and having a six year old running around during nap time would work (we have one level and no place to "get away" to a quiet place).

DH and I, by the way, think BIL should suck it up and just stay at the hotel in our town. It is 5 minutes from everyone's house, is suite style (kitchen, lounge, area, etc), and inexpensive. Maybe he can stay Christmas night with DH's parents so they wake up with a Christmas tree and Santa can find them, but other than that, seriously dude: become a better houseguest or stay in a hotel.

WDYT? Are we being unreasonable? We are going to get crap from BIL no matter what we do.

jmccall79 · December 2012

If you don't have space, you don't have space...simple as that! And I think that's the only explanation needed!!! I'd say "no" to letting him stay.

2chatter · December 2012

As someone who will not have houseguests on Christmas for exactly these reasons, I am with you. The offer to host him after Christmas is generous.

MomtoH · December 2012

I personally wouldn't worry about it and probably would let him stay. Is it annoying? Yes. Does he help around the house? No. Is it only a week? Yes, so I'd suck it up. It's utterly ridiculous he cannot stay with your husbands parents, but sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Think about how he feels. He has family in e town he's going and they want him to stay in a hotel, Plus, it would be fun for your DS to spend time with his cousin,

lancyjo · December 2012

I'm with jmccall [my phone is just being a jerk and won't quote].

It's a pet peeve of mine when relatives come into town and just assume you'll put them up because they're family. BIL simply needs pointed in the direction of the nearest hotel. He's an adult with a child, for crying out loud.

If it were me, I'd be saying no.

n8swife · December 2012

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would tell them you don't have the room. End of story!

Jen0204 · December 2012

I would love to say that I wouldn't let him stay at all, but I'm a pushover, especially when kids are involved. I would definitely insist on Christmas morning alone though. And I think you should push for no for the entire trip, even if I would be a sucker

Shawnee11507 · December 2012

Unless it would be a financial hardship for him to stay in a hotel (& it is sorta short notice since he "assumed" all year someone would take him in & there's probably only 1 paycheck between now & Christmas), I would say NO, that you have no room. What if he refuses to leave Christmas Eve (guilt trips you) & says he can't afford a hotel or stand the ILs house (and they refuse too). If you do let him stay, I would have DH set some "ground rules"- start the convo "things are different around here now that there's a baby in the house..."

kristin172429 · December 2012

mirroredimage:
I am assuming that since BIL lives in another state and has a DD that he is a grown man. Grown men can pay for hotel rooms. It's not like Christmas snuck up on him or wasn't planned (like a death in the family) or something. It is the same time every year and he can put away money to stay in a hotel for a few days like the rest of us that travel over the holiday.

Yes, shockingly enough, he is a grown man. He is closing in on 40. I think I am a little extra annoyed because he has made no effort to come and meet Ben before now. When his daughter was born, we made the drive all the way there to go and meet here. He doesn't stay in touch all year, shows up on Christmas, and expects everyone to drop everything because he has taken time to make an appearance! He even gave DH crap last year because we had other friends in from out of town we wanted to see and we weren't going to be spending the 5th night in a row with him.

Besides not coming to meet Ben, he also didn't make the trip up when his grandmother (who is 90) had a stroke and has not made the effort to come see her at all since then. This is a woman who let him move in with her for years when he needed a place to stay. It is a 7 hour drive or 1 hour by plane. How do you not come home? I guess I have a few things piling up against him. I just have a problem with the "because he's family" thing when he's not doing a great job holding up his side of the deal. Sad

kristin172429 · December 2012

Oh, the fun. DH just got another email saying that they will "help us pay for food" if BIL can stay here after Christmas. MIL is supposedly going to call him and talk to him about everything. I love my MIL (mostly), but she has no backbone and BIL is going to make her feel like crap for even suggesting a hotel. I'm sure he'll drop some sort of "well, I don't want to inconvenience family, blah, blah..." I love Christmas too much for this nonsense.

lancyjo · December 2012

kristin172429:
Oh, the fun. DH just got another email saying that they will "help us pay for food" if BIL can stay here after Christmas. MIL is supposedly going to call him and talk to him about everything. I love my MIL (mostly), but she has no backbone and BIL is going to make her feel like crap for even suggesting a hotel. I'm sure he'll drop some sort of "well, I don't want to inconvenience family, blah, blah..." I love Christmas too much for this nonsense.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd just have hubs tell them no. Get yourselves out of it completely. MIL can deal with her son, but it should not be your problem. Christmas (this one, especially!) is too much of a big deal to let a self-centered BIL overshadow it.

Good luck, let us know what happens!

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