I'm Jealous of my nanny.. sort of.

magdusia · December 2012

I hope this won't sound cold hearted on my behalf.

I have two boys (3 and 1 y/o). We hired a new nanny in July b/c there were major issues with our old one Everyone loves her! including me. My 3 y/o is much nicer to her. He talks about their day and is excited about things they did.

The issue -When i come home he comes and greets me.. i call him my love bug.. we have our moment. A few weeks ago the nanny would stand next to him and orders him to say "i love you." -so i told her not to do that b/c he tells me he loves me from time to time naturally and every night we tell each other "i love you".. I don't need someone to tell my son to tell me he loves me. It makes it very un-natural. So she seemed offended.. i was as nice as possible when i told her this.

Recently, every time she's about to leave, she hovers over him for about 2 minutes and keeps saying "bye A", "bye A"... until he realizes he's suppose to say it and then just says "ohh, i love you" to the nanny and then she says i love you too and leaves. I feel a bit jealous and annoyed. My husband thinks i'm crazy. It's very clear that he does love her and care for her and i'm much more relaxed at work (no longer watch my nanny cam even lol).. but i feel like she does things on purpose to take over.

Yes i'm Jealous. but am I crazy to feel jealous? would you just leave it alone or say something?

PnkDingo · December 2012

As a nanny for the same family for near on 7 years now, with kids and parent-bosses that I really do love and consider extended family: I love you's are rare.

I personally think it's a little creepy that she's hovering and expecting him to say this especially given #1 he's 3, and #2 she's been there roughly 5-6 months. It just seems controlling in a way, I guess.

The girls I nanny do say I love you to me from time to time, and they ask (often lately, as they're still getting used to the thought of my having my own baby and moving on from seeing them daily) if I love them, and their family, but it's never been a focus, and to remain professional, I have never initiated an "I love you". I wouldn't say it to my boss or coworkers in another line of work, and while I realize nannying is -very- different, I still don't think it's appropriate to push for it. Just my probably-weird opinion on the situation.

kirac · December 2012

I can understand why you'd feel jealous, but I think I'd leave it alone. It's good they have a strong relationship and addressing it would make it awkward for everyone.

SunAndRain · December 2012

I think it is weird and creepy! I wouldn't hesitate to tell her to knock it off!

Who forces anyone to tell them they love them. What is her deal??

forestdancer · December 2012

SunAndRain:
I think it is weird and creepy! I wouldn't hesitate to tell her to knock it off!
Who forces anyone to tell them they love them. What is her deal??

I agree with this.

onlymeggan · December 2012

Wow, that gave me flashbacks of my stepmom telling me I had to call her mom. A nanny should not be doing I love you's with a kid let alone forcing the issue. If your kid wants to say it that's up to them. I would definitely say something to nanny about it.

jiffy-pop · December 2012

Maybe she was trying to get him to say "bye" instead of I love you and since that's what she got she just accepted the I love you and left? If it is apparent that she expected the "I love you," then yes, that is going over the line in my opinion. I can see teaching a child that it is polite to say goodbye, but not "I love you."

Maybe she was raised where I love you was used as a polite gesture instead of a phrase with deeper emotion. Maybe you could express to her that you only want DS to use those words to express deep emotion at times that HE PERSONALLY deems appropriate instead of a forced repeated phrase of kindness or politeness. Basically, he should be able to save his "I love you's" for when he wants to use them based on his own decision to use it.

LALASEPT05 · December 2012

I get what you're feeling. On one hand it's great that he is so happy with her and you can leave for the day with a clear head and not feel guilty. On the other hand I think it's a little weird for her to encourage him to tell her he loves her and I would think also weird if she tells him she loves him. We've had 3 nannies - two of them very good who were great with the kids. I know that my kids love those two nannies and I believe that those two nannies also love my children. That said I do not ever recall them saying it to my kids or later encouraging the kids to tell the nannies they love them. For some reason that seems like kind of crossing the line to verbalize it that often. I think as a professional nanny you have to walk the fine line of truly caring for the kids and giving them your best and then not overstepping your place. Maybe worth a conversation.

magdusia · December 2012

hocus:

Where is your nanny from?

My nanny wanted to insist that my daughter hug her every night before leaving and I don't like it. I think is it is cultural thing to some degree. My nanny seems to think it is rude for a child not to hug her caregiver goodbye and she thinks it is her role to train my kids on this issue.

Fundamentally you're the boss so if you don't like it you can stop it. We stopped the forced hugs but we do insist that she says good bye.

She's from Dominica

she's very loving, but some of it just sounds like it's an act. She is over the top sometimes. Tries to show us that she's this super nanny.

I had to once tell her to stop disciplining him when i'm disciplining him. When i'm trying to talk to him about something he did bad, she will step it up and take over which i did not like since i'm home and he did it on my time. But that was purely to show off, she just started with us.

magdusia · December 2012

jiffy-pop:

Maybe she was trying to get him to say "bye" instead of I love you and since that's what she got she just accepted the I love you and left? If it is apparent that she expected the "I love you," then yes, that is going over the line in my opinion. I can see teaching a child that it is polite to say goodbye, but not "I love you."

Maybe she was raised where I love you was used as a polite gesture instead of a phrase with deeper emotion. Maybe you could express to her that you only want DS to use those words to express deep emotion at times that HE PERSONALLY deems appropriate instead of a forced repeated phrase of kindness or politeness. Basically, he should be able to save his "I love you's" for when he wants to use them based on his own decision to use it.

nope.. b/c he does say bye and she just stands there. sort of awkward for everyone

magdusia · December 2012

thank you everyone for your replies! i'm glad i'm not a crazy cold hearted mom. I need to talk to my DH about this again but i know he'll just think i'm crazy. I'll see how it plays out in the next week and if it keeps bugging me i will need to say something otherwise i'll just be annoyed daily.

thank you everyone -i got some great advise here.

prttyinpink809 · December 2012

I know I would feel the same way! It is weird and definitely annoying.

jenn_darrin1515 · December 2012

I would probably avoid confrontation over this issue,..but it would bother me.

after your DS says good bye can you play up the good bye? like scoop him up say "bye nanny, see you tomorrow!" all happy like and then turn your attention to ds and say let's go to the living room and play with your puzzle before dinner! or something...

emberlee3 · December 2012

That would really bother me. My mom gets all put-out when DS doesn't hug her or say goodbye. It is just his personality; he shows affection to my parents all the time on his own terms. Of course, I can't really say anything to my mother, but if my nanny acted that way, I would bring it up.

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