- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Natural Birth
iggles09
member
Worried I do not have DH's support
iggles09
member
So I know it is kinda early to be seriously talking about the birth process - but is it really ever too early to start thinking/planning? I have always been terrified of the idea of the pain being too much, I am pretty sure I am a wimp when it comes to pain, etc. The more I think about it, the more I at least want to try to go naturally. Previously I said there is no way I would not get an epidural. Now I am leaning towards I want to try my best not to, but if I just absolutely cannot do it - like I am going to pass out from the pain - I will. I'm just not completely convinced one way or another I guess.
So I mentioned this to DH last night. He immediately said "WHY would you WANT to do that!?" Then he said - whatever its your vagina! And gave me this awful look like I was absolutely crazy. DH is usually super supportive and not a jerk at all so I was surprised by his reaction.
I guess I am looking for information I can give him to get him on board because I know I cannot do this naturally without him being 100% supportive. I am already on the fence about it but if he is going to be like that then I want my mom in the room - she had 2/4 naturally - the others she could not due to her Lupus. Any thoughts or suggestions would be great.
TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Worried I do not have DH's support
Since it sounds like your husband is usually supportive, maybe it just caught him off guard. I think it's in men's nature to want to 'help' or 'fix' things, which explains why some really struggle with seeing their wives in pain and feel very helpless about it. Plus I think his question of 'why' is a valid one, even if it was said in a not so supportive way. I think anyway starting this journey toward natural childbirth should be asking themselves that. Because let's face it, if we don't have an answer to that question then the odds are really stacked against us.
DH did not really have an opinion when it came to childbirth, kind of a neutral stance I guess. We watched 'The Business of Being Born' together and that was a good start in terms of getting him on board. We also took a Hypnobirthing class together and that really put us on the same page.
If after you give your husband some time and research things together and he still has the same attitude then it might be a good idea to hire a doula. At least this way you know you will have support.
He's seen women on TV screaming bloody murder and doesn't want that for you. The first woman I remember seeing "give birth" on TV was on a comedy so ofcourse it was the whole, "What do you mean there's no time for drugs?...I hate you I hate you...this is all your fault, you did this to me" That sticks with us and we think, I can't do that, I don't want to do that. And doctors say I don't have to do that.
DH didn't know why I didn't want an epi at first, and really neither did I. I just knew that drugs weren't the way I wanted to bring my baby into the world. After a lot of research I found my answers for why I wanted to go without drugs. Health baby that is also alert, breastfeeds better sooner, sign me up. Lower risk of c-section, episiotomy, and back pain from an epidural, I'm in!
Something that would be a good jumping off point is watching the Business of Being Born but even better is watching a movie called Orgasmic Birth. (Both are available via Netflix) He needs to deprogram from the idea that women are tortured with pain during labor. Yes, it hurts, but it isn't like it is on TV. Then read any book by Ina May Gaskin! She's an inspiration in the Midwife community and even if you're not having a home birth you should read about the natural births she's been a part of, it's inspirational for all women to read.
Definitely not too early to start thinking about this!
Do your research and include your H in that process (whether that be actually researching together or just discussing what you've found on your own). As a PP suggested The Business of Being Born is often a good one for dad's to be to watch (and you too, of course!). MH is not into doing the reading like I am, but he enjoyed watching the documentary with me and it was in a short enough format that it was interesting to him. Also I discuss what I know with him.
Also, be open with him. Explain how important his support is to you. I would not be nearly as confident as I am without MH's support.
I don't think your H is being a jerk, he just sounds uneducated on the topic and that's not surprising and something that can easily be changed. GL!
*My Blog*
10/50 Read
my read shelf:
I started thinking about birth before I was even pregnant. I think a lot of women do; they have a vague idea of what they expect or what they want to happen at least.
Anyhow, my husband was totally the whole "why would you choose pain over no pain?" type guy and I was worried he wouldn't support me. But I explained to him the reasons why going med-free appealed to me and he supported me even though he disagreed with it. But you wouldn't have known during labor. Even afterwards he only admitted he was thinking I was crazy when I asked him point blank.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that if your DH is usually supportive of you, you will be surprised by how well he will support you during your labor. But it doesn't hurt to give him information on why you're doing what you're doing.
Sometimes, I'm hilarious.
Thank you all for the suggestions. I will definitely check out those videos/books. I am giving birth in a hospital for sure. I briefly mentioned home birth - not really sure if it is for me regardless - but DH is in the medical field and said he would not want to be in a bad situation and not be at the hospital for my safety. I am fine either way with that but definitely want him on board if I do decide to go natural.
Thanks again! Probably doesn't help that his good friend is in nurse anesthetist school and just had his OB rotation and talked about how bad it was for non-epi women. His wife also just had a baby induced with cervadil and ptocin so very different than where I want to start out from.
Just want to second what all the PPs have said - education is your best friend in this situation (same was true for me, btw, with cloth diapers - my husband was COMPLETELY opposed until he got educated on the benefits, then he was on board).
Do some reading - I highly recommend "The Birth Partner" and "Ina May's Guide ti Childbirth" and watch "The Business of Being Born." All of those sources will give you and your husband a lot of information about the benefits of a natural birth. You may also want to take a class about natural birth (we took a 3.5 hour class at my yoga studio about using yoga to manage pain in labor - that was the time when things shifted for my husband). I have a lot of reasons for wanting to have a no-med, intervention-free birth, but there was one thing that really turned my husband onto the idea: The idea that the baby has to shift around quite a bit to fit its head through the pelvis was new to my husband - when he learned how much the mother's ability to move and change positions during labor assists the baby's progress, that clicked for him. Add in the knowledge that most women with epidurals are bed-bound and cannot move their legs, and he was convinced that a natural birth is the way to go. I use this just as one example - the more information your husband gets, the more likely it is that something will *click* for him.
My DH simply couldn't fathom why I wouldn't want an epi. Then he learnt all about the risks of an epi in terms of risk to the mother (we learnt all this at the ante-natal class).
After that he was, "it's up to you, you need to do what gets you through, but I'd feel better if you didn't need an epi"
So definitely teach your DH about it all.
i think it's easy for DHs to want to protect us from pain and they assume epis don't come with any issues. I know before I really looked into, I never had any idea of the full implications of what an epi can mean.
My DH also felt better once we had some strategies for coping with the pain.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
This is how my husband is, he's always supportive of me but doesn't think natural would be best for me. I was already thinking I may not be able to do this. I haven't found anyone who supports my decision of natural birth especially not my mom. Try watching some movies with him. We watch the business of being born, or if your guy is a reader maybe find a book for him. If he's not on board plan to have your mom there for support.