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Natural Birth
nekorayne
member
>
Something is holding me back...
nekorayne
member
I have not posted for awhile. I am a STM and planning a natural VBAC. I have what is called a special scar from delivering my son from emergency c-section. My scar makes it very hard to find a provider and my birth experience with my son was EXTREMELY traumatic for me. Through a lot of soul searching, the help of my special scar group, and writing I have come to heal from my sons birth, it brought me him and he is my shining light after all! I am looking forward to my chance to VBAC. I have never even been in labor before so this is new for me even as a STM.
I feel in my heart that a home birth or birthing center birth is what is right for me. Unfortantly in my state an out of hospital birth in my case is not an option unless I were to go unassisted. I am lucky though, I found an AMAZING OB who is known for his VBACs and is very unique in his ways. He seconds for a lot of midwives, talks for ICAN, and is very pro natural birth. He really encourages moms to walk and labor naturally and is very different then my last OB. I trust him and the hospital itself is so mother and baby friendly! I can wear my own clothes, eat, immediate skin to skin, walk the halls, etc...My husband is so excited and we have a doula. It is all falling into place,
But all that being said I feel a small something holding me back. I can't figure out what it is. Maybe it is because my first birth was so traumatic and I was so hopeless and I am still struggling with the hospital fear. Maybe it is because in my heart I feel like I want to have my baby at home and I know that the option is not for me. Maybe it is just hormones that I'm overeating. Whatever it is I have to get over it because I don't want to stall labor and I want peace. I really thought about it and I am going to have to find a way to be ok in the hospital. Due to my scar I may have to labor in the hospital from a MUCH earlier point then most. That alone worries me because I can't even have all that time most have to labor in my home. I always hear warnings about this. The hospital is also about 45 min to an hour away and so a lot of that time will be in the car. Any tips on moving past this point that is holding me back? Any tips on making the hospital room a more comfortable space? Any words that may help at all?
I feel in my heart that a home birth or birthing center birth is what is right for me. Unfortantly in my state an out of hospital birth in my case is not an option unless I were to go unassisted. I am lucky though, I found an AMAZING OB who is known for his VBACs and is very unique in his ways. He seconds for a lot of midwives, talks for ICAN, and is very pro natural birth. He really encourages moms to walk and labor naturally and is very different then my last OB. I trust him and the hospital itself is so mother and baby friendly! I can wear my own clothes, eat, immediate skin to skin, walk the halls, etc...My husband is so excited and we have a doula. It is all falling into place,
But all that being said I feel a small something holding me back. I can't figure out what it is. Maybe it is because my first birth was so traumatic and I was so hopeless and I am still struggling with the hospital fear. Maybe it is because in my heart I feel like I want to have my baby at home and I know that the option is not for me. Maybe it is just hormones that I'm overeating. Whatever it is I have to get over it because I don't want to stall labor and I want peace. I really thought about it and I am going to have to find a way to be ok in the hospital. Due to my scar I may have to labor in the hospital from a MUCH earlier point then most. That alone worries me because I can't even have all that time most have to labor in my home. I always hear warnings about this. The hospital is also about 45 min to an hour away and so a lot of that time will be in the car. Any tips on moving past this point that is holding me back? Any tips on making the hospital room a more comfortable space? Any words that may help at all?
>This discussion has been closed.
Re: Something is holding me back...
Sweetie, you may have post tramatic stress. That is actually very common for people who've had any emergency surgery from c-sections to heart surgery. It sounds like you have a great support in your OB. Even if you end up having another c-section, it sounds like your team of professionals will understand your situation and be supportive.
My tip for you would be to hire a doula or have a birth attendee that has a theraputic effect on you. This should be someone that helps keep you calm and works with the team at the hospital to make sure your needs are met and you are informed at all times. Your partner/spouse may not be able to be your support and adequately advocate for you in the case of quick decisions. His/her role is to be by your side, rubbing your back, kissing you and reassuring you of your abilities, they can't step outside with the OB or ask what is happening at every moment like that extra attendee can. A doula would know what to ask or atleast facilitate the conversation. They can trade off some of the spouse roles so he can take a minute if he needs it for going to the bathroom or gather his wits.
Something that may help would be to bring in batter operated candles to light the room while you're in labor so you can turn down or off the medical lights. Women seem to labor better at night and in the dark so using candlelight, even if it isn't real, may help.
I really don't have any helpful advice, but I do think that you can overcome your fears/worries/whatever is holding you back.
Also, I remember you posting on Jan 2013 about being upset about your lack of VBAC options due to your scar. I'm happy to hear that you have found a supportive provider!
GL!
Oh, maybe something you could look into. I'm also planning a VBAC and Hypnobabies has helped me out immensely with working through my fears and trusting in the process. I don't know if you're interested in doing the entire course (there is a homestudy option), but there is a Positive Pregnancy Affirmations track that I listen to every night as I go to sleep and I find it to be so reassuring. Maybe you could look into just getting that track or something similar? I don't know if it's something you're interested in, but it has been helpful to me to just hear all of the positive statements over and over again. Might be something to consider!
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What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. I had to switch from an independent birth center (basically a home birth) to the hospital about 3 weeks before my son was born. It was very hard for me. I know that going forward I will have to have a hospital birth due to the health issues I've developed. This is very difficult knowledge for me.
It sounds like your OB and hospital are fabulous. It's ok that you're sad to be losing part of your cherished dream. Grieve that and don't beat yourself up. Perhaps your doula can work with you to do some journaling or crafting that helps you explore the loss of this piece of your ideal birth.
You will do great!
I don't have personal experience but I don't think what you are feeling is uncommon. Have you discussed this with your doula? She might be able to provide you with some resources or ideas for processing these feelings.
I can say that a natural birth is entirely possible in the hospital (Callum was a hospital birth). Is it possible for you in early labor to say check in at the hospital and then go for a walk, hang out somewhere close by? It sounds like you have your "support team" lined up - honestly, I think that's in some ways the most important part. Maybe also think about what you would do if laboring at home - like listen to certain music, etc - and recreate that in the hospital. Also, is a birth tub or at least laboring in the tub an option? I found the tub very relaxing and would recommend it even if you aren't allowed to deliver in the tub at your hospital.
Oh and also a positive to needing to be at the hospital in early labor...you don't have a long car ride while in heavy labor - because that is NOT fun
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My doula brought up hypnobabies yesterday! I'm going to look into that track right now! And thank you, I forgot I had posted that..I got so lucky that I found my OB!
Thanks for your answer. I have a doula and she has been amazing. I 100% agree with you that they are needed.
The battery operated candles are such a good idea and I have some! And I agree that the last c/s was traumatic for me. I had some major issues that took me so long to get over..and I guess the healing process is so many little steps.
Laboring in the tub is not an option which is one reason I'm sad...I find great comfort in the water. BUT laboring in the shower (maybe with a birthing ball) could be. And my husband surprised me last night with a birthing playlist full of relaxing music. LOL and the car point is SUCH a good point. Thank you!!