Birth envy (xp from sept12)

Blackrose1918 · December 2012

I know my birth experience wasn't nearly as bad as some people's, but I'm still finding that I'm having trouble. I'm terribly jealous of people who have the natural birth that I gave up. I went to the hospital sooner than planned. I got an epi because I got scared of the strong back labor I was experiencing. I was hooked up to machines, stuck in bed, stalled for hours, given pitocin, and wasn't able to be an active participant in most of my labor. Dh also isn't supportive of my desire for a natural birth. I'm jealous of my my friend, who just had a beautiful home waterbirth. Same with my doula. Not that I want a homebirth. I love the idea but it's not for me. It's just that every beautiful natural birth I hear of/see fills me with joy for the mama and sets me to mourning what I lost. I want to be a doula. I need to work through this. Idk what I want from you ladies. Just to tell someone, I guess.Do any of you ladies have ideas for the next time around?

aylafsu88 · December 2012

First of all do not beat yourself up! You did not get the birth you wanted but you did get a beautiful, healthy LO and that is the most important thing. It is difficult when you are a FTM and you do not know what to expect or what will happen during labor. Looking back it is easy to say that you should have avoided that or done this instead but at the moment you were making the best choice given the circumstances. Having an epi/pit is not the worst thing in the world and does not mean you had any less of a birth experience. You can still be a successful doula and a great support to women in childbirth. Your experience is still valuable even though it did not turn out how you wanted it to. The big thing to remember is that every birth is different. Just because you had a difficult stalled labor with this LO does not mean that you will have the same experience with your next. You can have the birth you want and things will be different next time!

meltoine · December 2012

I absolutely know what you mean. I remember reading a birth story on a blog I follow when DS was about 4 months old, and I cried. Her birth was so beautiful and exactly what I had wanted for my own, and I just lost it. It made me sad for days.

It is normal and natural to grieve for the experience that you wanted, and you have to let that process take its course. For me, my birth envy was wrapped up in a whole package of PPD symptoms that I needed counseling and considered medication to deal with. If you're experiencing prolonged sadness, talk to your doctor.

I also found that I had to step away from birth stories and even this board for a while until I got to a better place in my head. I ignored it all for a while, then when I was ready, I got determined that next time would be different and I set about making it that way. When wee were ready to TTC this LO, I decided on a home birth. You have to determine what will help you grieve through this process and focus on that.

Hugs. I know how tough this is.

LindseyJW · December 2012

aylafsu88:
First of all do not beat yourself up! You did not get the birth you wanted but you did get a beautiful, healthy LO and that is the most important thing.

it really bothers me when people say this. i know they mean well and the intent is to build you up. but it actually has the opposite effect. it makes women feel that their very real and strong feelings about loss and inadequacy are baseless and they should just get over it already because all that matters is a healthy baby and they have that. it invalidates them as women and as mothers.

people would say this to me all the time after my homebirth turned cesarean. like the OP, i was insanely jealous of my friends who had unmedicated births and homebirths. i even at times had tinges of "ha" when i learned that someone i loved had an unplanned cesarean. how terrible, right? but i was so broken at the time, that's the most emotion i could muster.

over time, i learned that my feelings were valid and that what i was experiencing is the normal cycle of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. you must mourn what you perceive to be a loss and be aware of these stages. know that some may last longer than others and that it's okay to reach out for help if you feel you need it.

after my recovery, i became a hypnotherapist (b/c hypnotherapy is what helped me) so that i could help other women going through what i went through. i also became a childbirth instructor and soon a doula so that i can help prevent it.

ETA: thought i might also add, today is my c/s baby's 6th birthday. and i'm not crying or emotional on his birthday, for the first time.

Blackrose1918 · December 2012

One of my biggest fears is that I'll have trouble getting past thist. If I can't, there's no way I can become a doula. I'd be harboring these feelings toward many of my clients, and it would be incredibly unhealthy for everyone involved. It just sucks. and I can't talk to dh about it. He wasn't supportive in the first place. Later he told me that if I hadn't had such agonizing back labor he wouldn't have pushed me to get the epi. Which only hurt me worse because the actual contractions never got around to hurting. I feel like that one thing stole everything from me.

WearingRed · December 2012

I felt the same way after em's birth. It took W's birth to fully get over the feeling of "maybe I just can't do it" so now I know it wasn't me. It was the hospital environment and being unprepared. Knowing that makes me feel so much better. I can't change the past but I know for my future children will be born as naturally as possible.

LindseyJW · December 2012

Blackrose1918:
One of my biggest fears is that I'll have trouble getting past thist. If I can't, there's no way I can become a doula. I'd be harboring these feelings toward many of my clients, and it would be incredibly unhealthy for everyone involved. It just sucks. and I can't talk to dh about it. He wasn't supportive in the first place. Later he told me that if I hadn't had such agonizing back labor he wouldn't have pushed me to get the epi. Which only hurt me worse because the actual contractions never got around to hurting. I feel like that one thing stole everything from me.

it's very common to be fixated on just one thing stealing the show. in reality, there was likely a combination of things - some of which may have been within your control, some of which may not have been. i know it may not seem like that right now - i blamed my midwife for years. i still think she holds some responsibility, but i also see that there were things fully within my control that i could have done differently that may h ave resulted in a different outcome.

but you know what? they may not have either. i stressed and grieved for a long time because i didn't know what might have happened. but in the end, they have helped shape the healer i am today and for that i am grateful. when i get cards and letters in the mail from clients thanking me for helping them realize their dreams, the dream that i did not get, it helps to fill some of the hole that was left inside me.

the strength for you here when you become a doula is that you will have the benefit of knowledge about that other side, the side you don't want your clients to have to see. eventually, you will come to a place where you can pour all your love into helping other moms. it's okay that you aren't there yet, take the time YOU need to heal YOU right now. you don't get this time back. you deserve it, your child deserves it.

i highly recommend therapy for these situations. it's okay to reach out for help. it doesn't make you less of a woman, less of a mom. in fact, it makes you stronger when you have the support of others around you.

iris427 · December 2012

LindseyJW:
aylafsu88:
First of all do not beat yourself up! You did not get the birth you wanted but you did get a beautiful, healthy LO and that is the most important thing.

it really bothers me when people say this. i know they mean well and the intent is to build you up. but it actually has the opposite effect. it makes women feel that their very real and strong feelings about loss and inadequacy are baseless and they should just get over it already because all that matters is a healthy baby and they have that. it invalidates them as women and as mothers.

people would say this to me all the time after my homebirth turned cesarean. like the OP, i was insanely jealous of my friends who had unmedicated births and homebirths. i even at times had tinges of "ha" when i learned that someone i loved had an unplanned cesarean. how terrible, right? but i was so broken at the time, that's the most emotion i could muster.
over time, i learned that my feelings were valid and that what i was experiencing is the normal cycle of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. you must mourn what you perceive to be a loss and be aware of these stages. know that some may last longer than others and that it's okay to reach out for help if you feel you need it.
after my recovery, i became a hypnotherapist (b/c hypnotherapy is what helped me) so that i could help other women going through what i went through. i also became a childbirth instructor and soon a doula so that i can help prevent it.

ETA: thought i might also add, today is my c/s baby's 6th birthday. and i'm not crying or emotional on his birthday, for the first time.

Yes

Blackrose1918 · December 2012

LindseyJW:
ETA: thought i might also add, today is my c/s baby's 6th birthday. and i'm not crying or emotional on his birthday, for the first time.

Yes

shibby00 · December 2012

I completely understand. I had a very long and painful labor and pushing phase with DD and ended up in a c/s. I HATED myself for so long over it. I couldn't read birth stories, and honestly they are still hard for me. I am planning to vbac this time and reading and reading and reading on natural birth. I had to just accept what happened with her birth, and then move on. My DH didn't get it and still doesn't but that's ok. He wasn't the one it all happened to, so of course he doesn't completely understand! My best advice is to start to accept what happened. Not what you wanted to have happen, but what actually happened. Talking to a therapist helped me so much, and I also ended up with PPD. Good luck and remember that the way your LO was born DOES NOT define anything about you as a mother. You cannot tell by looking at a kid how he came out, ya know?

KateLouise · December 2012

My birth outcomes were different from your own, but I had similar regrets in terms of them not being what I wanted, and thinking back over what I could have/should have done differently.

DD2 was born on our bathroom floor, delivered by my husband. In hindsight, it's a cool, funny story and it's beautiful that DH got to deliver his daughter. At the time though, it was not beautiful, funny or cool. It was stressful and frightening.

I wanted a calm delivery and instead got panic that left me never wanting to birth another baby. So I can relate to aspects of your post.

Moving forward I see a couple of different things

1) really getting your husband on board. He doesn't have to really understand why it matters so much to you. He needs to want you to support you to achieve your goals and he'll need tools that he ca use to help you get through. Maybe things he can say or practical things he can do. Things he shouldn't say, and maybe strategies to help him deal with you being in pain.

2) How useful was your doula? Would a different doula work better for you? I'm not blaming her for the outcome of your birth, I'm just wondering about you saying that you went to the hospital sooner than planned and why that decision was made.

3) Maybe try and identify exactly what it is about your birth that you dislike the most. Do you feel you missed out on an experience? Do you have guilt about potentially harming your baby? Do you feel resentment at having a lack of freedom as you laboured? I'm not saying how you should feel just suggesting some common feelings. Maybe if you can get exactly to the heart of the issue it might help you work through it and come up with a positive plan for next time.

4) Training to be a doula (I don't know if you've already started) maybe delay that until you feel better about your birth. Alternatively maybe seeing lots of births in lots of different forms will help you view yours more positively.

Lastly congratulations on your LO. I hope you get to a really good space with the birth you had!!

Blackrose1918 · December 2012

sorry to hear about all of your experiences. it's nice to know that I'm not alone though.

KateLouise:
1) really getting your husband on board. I don't even know where to begin on this. He pressured me for months to get an epi bc of his views on birth (medical tech is good, no matter what more or less).
2) How useful was your doula? She was actually incredibly supportive. My labor started hard and fast, with contractions 5 min apart & lasting 30+sec. Within 2 hrs they were 3 min apart & lasting 45-60 sec. I labored at home for 4 hrs. It just happened so fast. I never had any latent labor to ease me into it. That being said, she did great by me and I will never birth without her. She helped me keep some control.
3) Maybe try and identify exactly what it is about your birth that you dislike the most. Do you feel you missed out on an experience? Do you have guilt about potentially harming your baby? Do you feel resentment at having a lack of freedom as you laboured? All of this.

KateLouise · December 2012

Blackrose1918:
sorry to hear about all of your experiences. it's nice to know that I'm not alone though.
KateLouise:
1) really getting your husband on board. I don't even know where to begin on this. He pressured me for months to get an epi bc of his views on birth (medical tech is good, no matter what more or less).
2) How useful was your doula? She was actually incredibly supportive. My labor started hard and fast, with contractions 5 min apart & lasting 30+sec. Within 2 hrs they were 3 min apart & lasting 45-60 sec. I labored at home for 4 hrs. It just happened so fast. I never had any latent labor to ease me into it. That being said, she did great by me and I will never birth without her. She helped me keep some control.
3) Maybe try and identify exactly what it is about your birth that you dislike the most. Do you feel you missed out on an experience? Do you have guilt about potentially harming your baby? Do you feel resentment at having a lack of freedom as you laboured? All of this.

Ugh that sounds really frustrating having your husband so determined that you get the epi. I'm sure you tried all sorts of ways to get him to see your points about natural birth, but if you need ideas closer to the time, people here regularly ask for ways to get DHs on board and there are lots of good suggestions.

That's great that you know you have a supportive and effective doula on your team. That's tough having a labour get very real so quickly. I've heard lots of Mums who have experienced both hard and fast labours and slow steady ones say that they much prefer the slow and steady.

I don't really have any answers. Maybe talking to a counselor could help. Maybe exploring different birthing ideas like hypnobirthing to give you some more techniques in birth could help. Is there a birth centre you could use rather than a hospital?

Sometimes there is no actual answer or solution but time might ease your feelings.

Good luck.

Blackrose1918 · December 2012

Thank you for all your help, advice, and empathy. My doula suggested I go to this birth group she attends. I think it would be really theraputic. Crossing my fingers I can make it. On a happy note, my first woven wrap is now here and ds is zonked out in it. Love my gira.

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