2 showers? Ethics question.

phishgirl29 · December 2012

Hi there. I've been lurking, and my crazy family has driven me to the point of too much stress, so I have a question:

My sister and mother have been talking about throwing my shower since we've started IVF in September. Needless to say, they've been scheming over this shower over the last month or so. My MIL on the other hand just found out about the baby, and wants to throw me a shower as well. Is it tacky to have 2 showers even if you don't invite the same person to both? My mom threw my bridal shower, and my MIL showed up late, left early, and is still a cause of pain for my family. Our family's don't get along, so I'm all for have the 2 small showers and no drama. My mom and sister went ballistic after hearing about the idea of having 2 showers, and think I'm being selfish for going along with it. I just don't want any more fighting!! What is the right thing to do?!?!? TIA!

wittyschaffy · December 2012

2 showers is totally fine - just don't have the same people at both. Let your MIL host her family and family friends. Let your Mom and Sister do one for your side of family and family friends. If you have a friend who wants to host other friends, let them do that too. As long as you (and maybe your Mom/MIL if they want to be invited) are the only overlap, there isn't a problem.

BakerMommy · December 2012

Two showers sounds fine in your situation. As for your mom and sister going ballistic, gently remind them about what happened at your bridal shower. A shower for each side of would help avoid the same hurt feelings. Plus, your mom and sister aren't the boss of you if you want to let your MIL throw you a shower, go for it.

rhubarb123 · December 2012

You could have 10 showers if there were people who wanted to host them and no one was invited to more than one. I had 3 (family/friends, church, and work). I agree with the other pp to be careful what you let your Mom and sister dictate what you do in this situation or you'll be putting up with that after the baby is born as well.

theimpossibleastronaut · December 2012

I am having two showers: one held by my family out of state where I am from and one held by DH's family where we live. The moms (mine and DH's) are the only ones attending both (they wanted to for some reason). I think it's fine for you to have two as long as the guests don't overlap as PPs said.

phishgirl29 · December 2012

I just don't want anymore fighting or smack talking about each other. My MIL comes from money and wants to throw a country club shower with all her club friends, definitely separate from my family and friends. My MIL just doesn't know how to deal with " semi normal people" with normal incomes. My family is still wanting both sides to be close, when it is obvious to DH and I that this not happening with our families. My sister just called apologizing for her craziness. I told her will reopen this wound after the anatomy scan. All I want is a health baby, and no drama. UGH!

The_Jen626 · December 2012

I had 4 showers for my first baby (my friends, my Mom, MIL, and work shower). Then my girlfriends threw me another shower for my 2nd baby.

In your case, I would definetly insist on 2 seperate showers. Have fun, enjoy, and best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!!

MzCurnett8886 · December 2012

Definately two seperate showers with no overlapping guest list. As much as they think you are being selfish I'd just remind them of the bridal shower incident and of the sour feelings and not revisiting that. My MIL and mother don't get a long either so I can completely understand where you are coming from.

For all you know your friends will also want to throw you a shower and then you could have 3 to deal with!

EastCoastBride · December 2012

Two showers is fine. I really dont understand your mom and sister. Your MIL caused problems last time but they still want ONE shower including her?

And how is it "selfish"? You're not invitin gmore people. You're just splitting the list. AND in turn,making it easier o nthem. But thats selfish? Or is it that they want all the glory of throwing you a shower?

526SadieSadie · December 2012

It's totally reasonable to have a shower for each side of the family, particularly if the people don't get along.

jasminelorraine20 · December 2012

There is nothing wrong with having multiple showers for a FTM.

JenniD2 · December 2012

I agree with the PPs. It is ok to have two showers as long as the guest lists don't overlap. Plus, I would think it would be better for you stress-wise considering that the two sides do not get a long.

Disneygeek77 · December 2012

MIL is allowed to throw you a baby shower for her friends and family just as much as your family is. Her baby is having a baby too and she wants to celebrate. The fact that she would throw one at a country club is irrelevant. If she is kind enough to offer, be graicous and let her give you this generous gift.

As far as your family is concerned, they are being ridiculous need to get over themselves.

dbowitz · December 2012

Two showers is fine and will make your life so much easier. I'm having three showers, one for college friends, one for my family and one for DH's family. For geography and numbers of guests, it just worked out that way and I'm actually pretty happy about it. As the MTB, I liked the smaller showers because I could socialize and actually have conversations with the guests and not feel overwhelmed. Also, gift opening took a reasonable amount of time. Two showers sounds like a perfect solution for you - I just wouldn't discuss the other shower with the non-host mother.

phishgirl29 · December 2012

Thank you everyone! My mom and sister are crazy, and I refuse to get stressed out about this anymore. I told them that I can't be angry with someone that wants to throw me a party, and I can't help that MIL might not invite my family to it. I'm an invited guest as well. If my mom and sister choose to not throw me a family one, then so be it. I'm not looking for presents....just a happy and healthy baby! I think everyone in mine and DH's family is an "A" type personality and they all need to get over themselves!

JNCPro3130 · December 2012

I don't see anything wrong with 2 showers at all. As other posters have mentioned, as long as people aren't required to go to both, I don't see anything wrong with it.

Is there anyway to have the showers without the other one knowing? They wouldn't nessasarily need to know about them, right? I'm not trying to cause a fight, but my family and my husband's family don't get along either and I find the less they know about the other, the happier things are!

Good luck!

lexyraejay · December 2012

It's totally normal in my family/social circle to have 2 showers (or even more) especially if they are being thrown by and for different groups of people. It's common to have one from MTB's side, one from FTB's side, one from the couple's friends...even another from the workplace!

sthomas1222 · December 2012

I had 2 showers. My mom was being super difficult and wanted to do her own, separate from my MIL (this is all my mom being a drama-queen, seriously she's like a teenager). I explained over and over to mom and sister that I honestly didn't have enough people to invite to 2 family showers and shower I knew my friends would be throwing me. Thankfully I didn't have 3 showers, my mom sucked it up and we had a nice family affair and 2 weeks later my friends threw me one.
My sister did end up with 3 showers; friends, family, and then a work one.
There's nothing wrong with more than 1 shower at all. I wasn't going to subject my dear friends to my crazy ass family and I didn't want to have 30+ people there and spend a ridiculous amount of time opening gift after gift. Each shower had about 15 people at it and lasted 2-3 hours each. If you have enough people to divide among showers without overlap then go for it! I invited some of the younger family members to the friends shower b/c they knew people at both but made it clear they only needed to bring a gift to one shower and just enjoy the other.

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