Question for TTCAL and PGAL Loss moms TTC mentioned

jess123456 · December 2012

Hi ladies,

I hope it's alright that I post this here on this board as I find that I can relate more with you ladies than alot of ladies on TTCAL or even PGAL because of the circumstances of the loss of my baby girl.

We lost our baby girl to a fatal genetic condition this summer after two earlier pregnancy losses. To say that we are scared out of our minds to try again would be an understatement.

However, we know that we want to try for our rainbow baby and make our angel girl a big sister at some point in the near future.

My husband and I had a long talk during a car ride over the weekend and he also mentioned that he is scared to try again but that he wants to. This is the first time that he mentioned the word scared.

At what point did you say, "Let's try again"? It's scary to put a date on the month to try again but having experienced two other losses before our baby girl I remember feeling scared also. I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking here but I guess I'm looking for reassurance that being scared but wanting to try again is OK. I think we also feel guilty that if we get pregnant again that we won't feel as connected to that child as we did with our daughter to protect ourselves from hurt even though I know that's silly to think that way and that we would love that child too.

Anyway, sorry for rambling here but if you could share your experiences about this I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks as always!

lolee465 · December 2012

I wrote a reply to this and deleted it, because it didn't really explain how I felt about it. Mdharrison said exactly what I was thinking/feeling perfectly.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and wanted to wish you GL with whatever you decide.

jbranden12 · December 2012

My husband and I were on the same page here. My daughter was our first child and we both wanted to try again as soon as I was physically ready. The way we saw it, our daughter was dead but our dream of being parents to a child on earth was very much alive. We knew we would not be replacing Patricia, but we wanted to give her siblings.

I had a very easy, uncomplicated induction and delivery. My doctor wanted us to wait one full cycle before trying again. I got my pp period a little over 9 weeks out from our loss. We sat out that cycle and then did a medicated cycle and conceived this baby girl.

While we are not dealing with a known genetic condition, my daughter's stillbirth was unexplained so there was/is certainly a lot of anxiety surrounding this pregnancy. We know there is no way to "protect" ourselves from the pain of another loss, so all we can do is love this little one and be thankful for today. I am being monitored closely, more for peace of mind than anything else because we don't have anything to watch out or test for. Sharing the experience with other women who are pregnant after a late or infant loss has helped me immensely.

MeggM1 · December 2012

Everything you've written seems completely normal and I can relate to everything from when we started talking about TTC until now - we are six and a half weeks away and I'm scared out of my mind and some days feel so disconnected.

One thing that was a huge help to me was a "Pre conception" appointment with my new OB practice to discuss how we would manage this next pregnancy. Our issues weren't genetic, but knowing what to expect as far as more frequent monitoring or testing (and hand holding from your doc) might help in making you feel more comfortable. I didn't keep me from being scared (like I said - keeping it real - still scared!) but helped.

The other thing that's helped me is therapy. I started within a month of my loss, and seeing my therapist throughout my pregnancy has really helped me and gotten me through some of the difficult milestones. I feel like its a safe place to say some of my worst fears out loud and work through them.

It took us about 10 months to get to the point of discussing another pregnancy and we were fortunate to find out we were pregnant about two months after that - five days before my twins' first birthday. The timing was good for us but its very individual.

The best advice on this thread was the first post - your desire to have another baby is overwhelmed by your fear.

magdalina.h · December 2012

We started trying 4 months after our son was born and passed. We got the okay from the dr and decided that we were ready.

achbaby3 · December 2012

First I just want to say sorry for your loss (hugs). I am right here with you. I am really very scared to be pregnant after my loss. I think that I am going to be a mess the whole time. But I do want to have a baby. BUT whenever I have that thought I also feel like I am disrespecting the memory of by boys. It is a horrible spiral of emotions.

At first my husband I thought that we would not try but not prevent. All this really did was just confuse what we thought we wanted. I wish I could give you a answer but I am still seeking the same answers. Not to sound too bleak but I dont think there is one. If you find something let me know.

lrichmond86 · December 2012

I think anyone who has been through what we have been through and WASN'T scared to try again would be crazy. We had to wait 5 months after our loss for medical reasons. DH and I decided that we wanted to start trying again as soon as we could because we didn't want to be paralyzed by our fear of losing another child. It took us six cycles to get pregnant and it was a very stressful, very trying process. Do what feels right to you. If now isn't the right time, then it isn't. If it is, go for it. I wish you all the best in whatever it is you decide!

jess123456 · December 2012

Thanks, ladies! I really appreciate your support and thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

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