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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Whine & vent but will accept advice (long)
Phantomgirl
member
I have always thought that BM was a good mother (still do!). I have always given her a lot of credit for the fact that in all her dealings with my DH (mostly negative) she has never said a negative word about him to SS (and vice versa). She ALWAYS chooses what is in SS best interest.
Yes there have been a few incidents, last year we didn't see SS for 6 weeks after CS was adjusted because she let him go away with her parents at the weekends instead of coming to us BUT in general I find her pretty easy to deal with.
So last month she took DH to court to have CS increased, she got an ear full from the judge and CS was in fact lowered to less than DH was paying.
Two weeks ago SS and I were driving home together and SS asked me if I felt DH ?goes on a bit'. SS said that when DH gets mad he goes ?on and on'. I asked him why he would say that and he told me BM said it in reference to the time he called her about the head lice incident. She also told SS that she ?pays no attentions to DH'. I was annoyed over it as she basically told SS to ignore his father.
Ironically I have posted plenty over the past number of years about BM incessant talking, she truly goes on and on!!!
I opted not to tell DH about this as things are unfriendly enough between them without rocking the boat any further BUT I did talk to SS and tell him that he does need to pay attention to DH.
This past Saturday I called into SIL (DH's brothers wife) with SS. SS and his cousins were playing and SIL and I were talking in the kitchen. SIL informed me that last weekend she was out with some gf's and they bumped into BM. BM proceeded to tell them all that DH is a *** father and does nothing for SS. She told them that he thinks more of his nieces and nephews and has absolutely no interest in SS. SIL (who had a lot to drink) was crying and the other women (our neighbours) were shocked as they know us (DH, SS and I ). BM told them that I do everything for SS and spend so much time with him and that I am so good to him and her. BM then began to cry and say that she does not know what would happen with SS if I were not on the scene (SIL said BM basically implied that DH would not even see SS if it were not for me). BM sister got in on the act and said that I am so nice and such a good person etc but that DH is a piece of sh!t basically.
I am so annoyed. I hate to think that she is going around talking to my family and neighbours negatively. I know it is about DH but it reflects on us as a family. We work hard and have a happy home and I hate that she paints a different picture to OUR family and friends. I don't care what she says to hers. I am also annoyed with SIL for not sticking up for DH, BUT she was drunk (they all met at 3am in a residents bar of a hotel which none of them were staying at).
Also remember a few weeks back when BM called my other SIL as opposed to us. Well it is p!ssing me off that she feels she can say whatever the hell she likes to my IL's.
Yesterday I spent the morning at a Christmas fair with BM (her sister and mother) and SS and I found myself getting frustrated with everyone. BM for going on and on ironically, SS for being cheeky to her and acting like he would never do with me and DH for opting out and going to the gym instead. Although in fairness to DH I agreed to go with SS and meet BM there, something he would NOT have agreed to.
So my question is - should I tell DH what has been going on? SIL told her DH (my BIL) and he was mad at her for, in his words ?entertaining BMs BS'.
Or should I just leave well enough alone? If I tell him he will call her and it will NOT be pleasant BUT she most likely will never speak to any of his family again.
I guess at the end of the day I am just feeling vulnerable that she ?lowered' us in the eyes of our neighbours. Telling DH would certainly make her pay!!!
I most likely won't tell DH and will continue to be friends with BM for the sake of my SS. BF's really do test your character don't they???
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Re: Whine & vent but will accept advice (long)
A couple of thoughts:
1. What good would it do to the relationships between DH and : SIL/Brother, Genreal Neighbors and ultimatly BM and SS; if you told him abotu these ramblings.
2. You know and most rational people know there is your perspective, their perspective and the truth is somewhere in the middle. I think that w/ BM spouting off and mislaying some of her frustrations to people you mutually know, they will listen her her side but also have thier own conclusions from their own observations.
3. Some of what your SIL and BM were saying are things you have said here in the past. Your DH loves his nieces and nephews and is able to foster his realtionship with them. His relationship w/ his own son has been harder for him b/c he still has resentment for BM getting knocked up on purpose and he feeling like he had no choice in becoming a father. Also his relationship is strained w/ SS b/c they are opposites or (worse so similar but only sees each their own faultsin the other)
The positives here are that you are in the picture and you are given a lot of credit for the wokr you've done to foster the relationship between H and SS.
Also it doesn't do anyone any good to dwell in the negatives of what if phantom wasn't there and where would H and SS be then. Thats not reality and it's a bad place to be. You make H want to be a better person/father/partner and I'm sure he does similar things for you. That's a good relationship that we bring out the best in our partner and fill in the gaps of their weaknesses.
BM can and will spout off to whomever and if I guess right you are in a smaller community so there is a lot of mutually known people/family. Not hing you can control. But if you must quash whatever isn't reality and negative and work on promoting what is good that it's been a struggle to figure out everyone's roles for us all to mature but we are ALL happy with how well SS is and how happy he is and that he has SO MANY people that love and care for him.
There is no love between DH and BM. He reacts very strongly and negatively to BM, from my memory. I would not mention it to him because I think it will only take the situation from bad to worse.
Anyone who listens to an ex talk about the parenting of the other has to realize it comes from a biased point of view. If your friends are taking BM seriously, I would have a low key discussion with them one on one, without DH. They should understand that BM is not rational in how she views things.
As someone who "knows" your BF, I think BM might have picked up on some of your DH's struggles with SS. I know you've said before DH wishes SS was more like the neices and nephews - not that DH has ever or would ever vocalize that thought - but I know the neices and nephews are athletic and not whiny and tentative like SS can be, and I know your DH admires them. If I know that, there's a good chance BM does, to.
If you thought it would do some good, you could mention to BM that you know she's been talking about DH and that for the good of SS she should stop. Just say BFs are difficult enough, and you want peace between them, and you don't want it getting back to DH, like it did to you, that she's been gossiping about your family. She really should stop, so if you think saying something to her will help, do it.
And, yes, your character has and continues to be tested, Phantom, and I think you are doing an amazing job!
ETA: I think this post is a testament to your character. I can imagine how infuriating it must be to hear that BM has been bad mouthing DH when you work so hard to keep things civil and there's no reason for her to be nasty. I don't know that I would have the presence of mind to not respond on the spot and make the situation worse.
I know it would do no good. It would be a revenge tactic. I guess I struggle a little with 'letting her away with it'.
I mean I do stay out of their 'issues' BUT he is my DH and I do love him and I feel protective of him.
The thing is my DH has come a million miles from back then. He has been in counselling for about two years now and he has a great relationship with SS. They are very close.
The only thing that she said to your SS that rubs me the wrong way is that she doesn't listen to your H. Though I wonder if she meant more in a silly way or if she meant it in a malicious way.
What if you spoke directly/privately with BM on a friendfriend level and said something along the lines of
"BM, recently SS told me ______ and SIL told me ________. I'm concerned and wanted to talk to you about your feelings toward DH. I completely understand all the negative that's gone between you two and I'm glad that you feel I've been a positive presence in the situation, but I'm worried that you venting to SIL and saying negative and dismissive things to SS may only do more to stir the pot. I don't want to see SS hurt because he feels you look negatively at his dad."
Unfortunately I think if you tell him it will make things worse. Is it possible for you to tell BM if she has an issue or concern to talk to you or DH and not to your friends and family because the things she is saying or not true and will make things worse not better?
I don't have any advice really. I agree with PPs that it wouldn't be beneficial to tell DH. I don't think it'd really do any good to confront BM either. It sucks, but I think she believes what she says about DH and you can't control her perception. Sorry you're dealing with it! Seems like there is always something (for all of us in BFs).
Even if she believes it, she should have the common sense not to blast their personal issues all over town.
Personally I'd make her aware of what you have heard. She apparently does not know it's getting back to you.
And then re-sign yourself to whatever will be will be. If she chooses to ignore your request and advice to stop, then let it be.
I am dealing with this a bit already with H and SD. I've decided to just let their big mouths go. Anyone who would believe them are not worth my time or energy and anyone I do care about can see the source and recognize it for what it is - crap.
I have better things to do with my time than continue with their drama.
Make your point in a polite, friendly way, and then go about your business as the best SM and wife that you are.
I deal with this, but from a different angle. It is my MIL who will talk trash to pretty much anyone who will listen about BM, and more recently about me. At first I got really upset about it. These were the parents' of my SDs friends, my SDs teachers, and just generally people whose respect I wanted.
I still get mad as hell when I hear something that she's said. But I have come to terms with not being able to control her. I have a great relationship with SD and with her mom, and I refuse to let MIL get in the way of that. So I do what I do. And the people who really matter see that.
All of that said, I don't think it would hurt to slip in a little "Oh, SIL said she was so embarrassed that she cried at the bar when you guys ran into each other. She said you were really upset too. I hope everything's okay." Yes, it's passive aggressive. But it would let her know you're onto her game.
SIL didn't agree with her. She said she was crying because she had no idea and couldn't bear the idea of SS being rejected by DH. More so because she was drunk I'd say!
He has let go of the resentment to SS gets on well with him. He is definitely closer and more connected to SS than he ever was.
However he doesn't prioritise him. In fact DH tends to put me first, himself second then SS.
For example, DH will talk about looking forward to having time off over Christmas and spending it with me. Then he will jokingly say we should enjoy this as it may be our last 'without' kids. He will also talk about looking forward to having kids.
He has images saved etc of things he wants to build for or do with our kids. Things he could do for/with SS.
I'm sure BM thinks he is a sh!t father as she would give him all the time he wants but he never requests it. He never takes him out for days to just hang out. Her father does. And so do I.
I'm not saying she is right or wrong I'm just saying that I am p!ssed that she is choosing our friends and family to gripe to.
Meh after typing this out and reading s the replies I'm more inclined to think that she is very angry over court, DHs lack of involvement and she got drunk and spilled her guts to a sympathetic ear.
I think that if I'm talking to her where SS is not around I will ask her not to involve DH family because eventually it will all blow up and not in her favor. She is well aware that DH family think he is the golden boy and she is the devil. Which is probably why she feels the need to ' set them straight'.
I'm rambling again!
Thank you all for the insight :
Back I go to the wonderful world of BFs. BM asked me to send her a list of days we want SS over Xmas. I think she may be seeing someone as she tends to get very generous with parenting time and have lots of 'dinners' out.
She must have changed her mind about DH if she is offering unlimited time!!!
Oh I agree. I just don't think BM will necessarily see it that way if she's just "speaking the truth" (from her POV). You just can't control another persons behavior. Esp while drunk.