Late Term and Child Loss

Pregnant Late Loss Moms *Ticker Warning*... pregnancy mentioned

Any other pregnant late loss moms who find the PgAL board doesn't really fit their needs?  I think because many of the women there had early losses I find myself getting more annoyed with some of the posts there than I find them helpful.  Sometimes I want to scream "Just because you made it to 12/14/21 weeks doesn't mean you automatically get to bring your baby home!!!"  I don't know... I just wish there was a board more specifically for late loss moms who are pregnant.  I know we have the check-in here.  I guess I'm just in a whiny mood.  Sorry.  Vent over.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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Re: Pregnant Late Loss Moms *Ticker Warning*... pregnancy mentioned

  • I'm not pregnant anymore, but I know what you mean.  Although, there are quite a few late loss moms over there right now, you just kinda have to call them out to get mostly late loss responses.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

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    Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!

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  • I'm not pregnant yet but I lurk there and feel the same way. I hate all the "v-day" posts. Just because your're 25ish weeks does not mean your baby will be healthy at birth. Sometimes I wish you could shake people through the internet.

    I've started posting on the TTCAL board, but sometimes I feel like I don't fit it and its more like a infertility TTC board... I've still learned a ton though which will hopefully bring my rainbow baby sooner. 

    And I'm a horrible person for thinking this, but just because you had a mc at 5 weeks doesn't mean you can call your next baby a rainbow baby. We lost third tri or so babies, WE can call our next babies rainbow babies.  

    That's why I like our Thursday check-ins so much for TTCAL or PgAL.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • Yeah, I have seen this brought up here before.  I'm over there now, but don't really post that much.  I haven't had an ultrasound yet, and my first loss was a missed m/c, so I am still afraid that there wont be a heartbeat.  Right now, It seems there are a lot newly pregnant women over there, but many have passed their loss milestone so they have a lot of first time mom/pregnancy questions, it's uncharted territory for them.  I know PgAL is really hard for everyone, but it's not the same for everyone.  

    I feel most supported here.  I know there are quite a few late loss moms over there and I look out for their posts, because it is usually something I can relate to, but most of the other posts aren't really for me either.   

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 
    BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 
    BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012
    BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013
    BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14
  • I know what you mean. I lurk over there all the time but a lot of them had early losses, which is still heartbreaking, but it's kinda different I think. But it's a whole lot better than the non-loss boards. I'd want to shake some of those other women! Is there a fb group for PGALL? I know there's one for TTCALL.
    Tim 12/30/00 Brad 4/30/02 Alex 9/29/03 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I understand, but I do post there a lot. Most of them cannot relate directly to how we are feeling, but I still find them to be very empathetic and supportive. Also, I like having a place to share about my pregnancy with Patricia and give advice to others without them thinking it's strange. They recognize what we have been through, want us to share our knowledge, and would never consider us first time moms, which I appreciate. There are sometimes things that I feel only you ladies understand, but I know there are things about their experiences that I can't really relate to.


      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
  • imagelrichmond86:
    Any other pregnant late loss moms who find the PgAL board doesn't really fit their needs?  I think because many of the women there had early losses I find myself getting more annoyed with some of the posts there than I find them helpful.  Sometimes I want to scream "Just because you made it to 12/14/21 weeks doesn't mean you automatically get to bring your baby home!!!"  I don't know... I just wish there was a board more specifically for late loss moms who are pregnant.  I know we have the check-in here.  I guess I'm just in a whiny mood.  Sorry.  Vent over.

    First off, OMG, lovey!  Congrats!!!!  Crossing everything for you over here!!!

    Second, I'm not pregnant anymore (obviously), but I too felt that way.  I think all the late loss mom's did.  I agree, though, you kind of have to call the late loss moms out.  I'm not sure what the dynamic of that board is anymore, but is there any way you can create a late loss moms check in?  Maybe that's more fitting here?  I thought I remember a weekly one here anyways?  

    I specifically remember Petunia and I having this conversation during our pregnancies.  There is no "milestones"when you've had a late loss...there is only "getting your baby here alive." And for some, even that isn't enough.

    *hugs* Even though I'm not pregnant anymore, it wasn't that long ago!  I'm willing to listen and chat if you like!   

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  • imagejohnnys june:

    imagelrichmond86:
    Any other pregnant late loss moms who find the PgAL board doesn't really fit their needs?  I think because many of the women there had early losses I find myself getting more annoyed with some of the posts there than I find them helpful.  Sometimes I want to scream "Just because you made it to 12/14/21 weeks doesn't mean you automatically get to bring your baby home!!!"  I don't know... I just wish there was a board more specifically for late loss moms who are pregnant.  I know we have the check-in here.  I guess I'm just in a whiny mood.  Sorry.  Vent over.

    First off, OMG, lovey!  Congrats!!!!  Crossing everything for you over here!!!

    Second, I'm not pregnant anymore (obviously), but I too felt that way.  I think all the late loss mom's did.  I agree, though, you kind of have to call the late loss moms out.  I'm not sure what the dynamic of that board is anymore, but is there any way you can create a late loss moms check in?  Maybe that's more fitting here?  I thought I remember a weekly one here anyways?  

    I specifically remember Petunia and I having this conversation during our pregnancies.  There is no "milestones"when you've had a late loss...there is only "getting your baby here alive." And for some, even that isn't enough.

    *hugs* Even though I'm not pregnant anymore, it wasn't that long ago!  I'm willing to listen and chat if you like!   

     

    Thanks so much!  We're super nervous but also REALLY excited!  

    I think for now I'll stick to posting on the check-in here and save PgAL for pregnancy things I might have forgotten about since my first pregnancy.  I just remember this board being JUST what I needed right after our loss and I haven't been able to find that "niche" for this yet.  Guess it's just one more awkwardness to being a late loss mama.  Thanks for all of your thoughts, ladies!

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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  • I agree.  I had a loss at 40w 3 d.  There is no safe period for me and I will have anxiety until the very end.
    BFP#1=1/17/08 Missed m/c: 3/19/08@ 12 w D&C 3/21/08 BFP #2=8/5/08 She arrived 4/16/09! image BFP#3 7/9/11 EDD:3/16/11 Logan Patrick born sleeping on 3/20/11 image
  • I agree with everyone, and I do remember this coming up on this board before. The "today is my due date" posts over there bother me when I open them to find out they miscarried at 6 wks. Um...you knew you were pg for about 5 seconds.

    I've had a few ladies respond to my posts inappropriately; it was obvious they didn't bother to look at my siggy or even read my entire post. I know they are just trying to be supportive but when they say "I know how you feel" about something like people not recognizing my loss, and then I see they had an early m/c it bugs me. Um, I held my dead son in my arms; you bled into a pad. Not quite the same.

    I'm sure I sound bitchy but it's just another example of not fitting in anywhere IRL anymore and I guess online too. The hardest part of having a loss like this, for me personally.
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  • Wanted to add...on the same token, I can't always come over here. As I near the end of my pg the late loss intros scare the living crap out of me. It's a catch 22; I can come here for support but sometimes end up being more stressed out.
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  • Not PGAL yet but I feel the same way about the TTCAL board (and as someone said, it's more like an infertility board).  I'm so afraid to post over on TTCAL because there have been a few women who have posted very innocent things and been berated for them.  They even have a "rules" page that I feel you better understand "or else."  I only feel comfortable posting here.  I respond to some things on TTCAK but haven't posted much beyond my intro and even then I was nervous.

     

    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

     

     

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  • imageweddedwife:
    I agree with everyone, and I do remember this coming up on this board before. The "today is my due date" posts over there bother me when I open them to find out they miscarried at 6 wks. Um...you knew you were pg for about 5 seconds. I've had a few ladies respond to my posts inappropriately; it was obvious they didn't bother to look at my siggy or even read my entire post. I know they are just trying to be supportive but when they say "I know how you feel" about something like people not recognizing my loss, and then I see they had an early m/c it bugs me. Um, I held my dead son in my arms; you bled into a pad. Not quite the same. I'm sure I sound bitchy but it's just another example of not fitting in anywhere IRL anymore and I guess online too. The hardest part of having a loss like this, for me personally.

    Totally agree. I guess we're both bitchy... But at the same time, I've never had a miscarriage so I don't really know how that feels. It's like we're competing about whose loss is worse, and I think, as you mentioned above, if you can hold your child it's worse than just bleeding.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • imageJ&J09:
    Huge hugs to you ladies!  I don't feel like I really fit in anywhere. I had a second trimester loss; technically a miscarriage, but I held her in my arms. I didn't have a late loss like you ladies, so I can only empathize and infer what you all went through and are currently feeling. I feel like I don't really relate to the miscarriage board because most of those ladies had early miscarriages and it really is just not the same, but I also didn't have a late loss. 

    This exactly....  

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  • imageJennifer271012:

    imageJ&J09:
    Huge hugs to you ladies!  I don't feel like I really fit in anywhere. I had a second trimester loss; technically a miscarriage, but I held her in my arms. I didn't have a late loss like you ladies, so I can only empathize and infer what you all went through and are currently feeling. I feel like I don't really relate to the miscarriage board because most of those ladies had early miscarriages and it really is just not the same, but I also didn't have a late loss. 

    This exactly....  

    And same for me.  Is there any way to start a new board on TB?  I would relate to TTCALL better than TTCAL since most of them had early miscarriages.  Can we request for TTCALL and PgALL to be formed?  I know mine wasn't as late as many of you but we all had to go through a lot of the same motions after our losses.  Naming the baby, deciding on funeral arrangements, holding our babies, keeping pictures and footprints, etc.  It's not the same at all as someone who lost a baby early and didn't have to go through labor and delivery.  If and when I am fortunate enough to have another baby I will be nervous wreck the whole time.  Milestones will never matter until my baby is in my arms alive and even after that....I will never stop worrying.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

     Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

    BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.

    BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.

    BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

  • imageweddedwife:
    I agree with everyone, and I do remember this coming up on this board before. The "today is my due date" posts over there bother me when I open them to find out they miscarried at 6 wks. Um...you knew you were pg for about 5 seconds. I've had a few ladies respond to my posts inappropriately; it was obvious they didn't bother to look at my siggy or even read my entire post. I know they are just trying to be supportive but when they say "I know how you feel" about something like people not recognizing my loss, and then I see they had an early m/c it bugs me. Um, I held my dead son in my arms; you bled into a pad. Not quite the same. I'm sure I sound bitchy but it's just another example of not fitting in anywhere IRL anymore and I guess online too. The hardest part of having a loss like this, for me personally.

    This is what I struggle with on both the Loss and the PGAL boards.  I'm having a hard time with the intros on the loss board, and I don't feel like I fit in with some of the concerns on the PGAL board.  I do lurk pretty frequently though, and answer PGAL Late Loss pages or PGAL after twins posts.  

    While I would never argue the validity of a miscarriage being a loss, I think there is a HUGE difference between a "sticky baby" after a miscarriage and a "rainbow baby" after a late loss.  It's just semantics, but it means something to me.  I also think that many of us who are pregnant after a late loss also have a different set of struggles because our late loss automatically makes us high risk in a lot of circumstances, either because we had preterm labor, IC, or even unexplained stillbirth.  While the beginning of pregnancy may be rocky for a woman with a history of miscarriage, I don't see a lot of women whose miscarriages make their subsequent sticky pregnancies high risk for the duration of their pregnancy, whereas I see many PGALL posting on the high risk board.

    I passed my PTL/delivery milestone this week at 32 weeks, 3 days and I thought that maybe I'd post the world's latest intro on PGAL, but the thought of someone saying "When I passed my loss milestone at 5 weeks it was a huge relief for me too!" made me stabby.  Our daughter passed four days after delivery and I am still in constant worry of another NICU stay or any kind of delivery not resulting in taking home my second daughter that I'm currently pregnant with.  I just feel like it is a whole different host of worries.  So I know it's probably bad internet etiquette, but I just skim PGAL and open up a title that looks like it might be something I would be interested in or relate to.  I really should post on the Loss PGAL check-in, which I haven't since early in my second trimester I think.

  • I Agree! I think what bind us together is that we had to go through the same experience- holding the baby, funeral arrangement. My lost was at 36 weeks a month and a half ago. I do plan to get pregnant again and I know I will be extremely nervous the whole pregnancy. We definitely should request TTCALL and PgALL!
  • My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage at 7 weeks so I remember being one of those women celebrating all those milestones as I got further along thinking I was safe when I hit 36 weeks with Eva and Sophia not realizing 2 days later we would find out that we lost Sophia.  Now I find it hard to relate to people who had miscarriages because now I know you are never safe and it makes me bitter seeing posts about being safe and thinking it is all but guaranteed that you will go home with your baby.  I think that because I already had a loss that a late loss wouldn't happen to me.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I am another person who's in the middle.  Yes I held my baby in my arms, but no I didn't make it to the most of the pregnancy milestones (just the 12 weeks, 2nd trimester, and the perfect anatomy scan the day before I went into labor).

    I do find some aspects of the pgal board frustrating.  I feel like for at least *some* of the earlier loss folks there is a kind of anxiety that continues through much of the pregnancy and a loss of the naive "woo hoo I'm having a baby" sense.  That I totally have in common with many of the women there.  On the other hand, some posts I just try not to click on because I suspect they will frustrate me.  (I often look for other people's names I know from the loss board and focus mostly on their posts.)  A few days ago I saw a post by someone in the first trimester of her pregnancy who was complaining about her family not being happy enough about the pregnancy in the context of a relative's having recently lost twins after PTL.  She offhandedly made a remark like "Well I'm not her--she was not being healthy."  It's that kind of stuff that really makes me feel like I'm on the wrong board--the idea that a late loss (of twins no less which is significantly more risky than a singleton pregnancy to begin with) isn't going to happen to her because she's healthy! 

    I sometimes also feel like I can't relate to some aspects of how folks who've experienced an early loss, but not a later loss think about how best to prepare themselves emotionally.  I've seen some folks talk about not wanting to reveal they are pregnant until way, way, way late "just in case something goes wrong" so they don't have to untell.  And I always think to myself, "If you give birth to a dead baby--or a live baby who is not viable yet or who dies shortly after--in the mid-late 2nd trimester or beyond, are you really going to not tell people that?  Won't you be naming your baby?  Possibly needing time off to recover from delivery/c-section?  Are you really going to pretend you weren't pregnant at all and that will somehow make it easier that your baby is dead?"  I figure it is probably just that perhaps for some it *is* easier to deal with an early miscarriage without most others knowing and people who haven't experienced a later loss don't know that it might be a very, very different experience.  (I had no idea what it would be like/what I would feel like until it happened to me.)

    At the same time, I also realize because I am in the middle area in terms of timing of my loss, there are some ways in which I probably relate to the pgal board a little better than those who had 3rd trimester losses or infant losses.  We are 2 days away from 24 weeks and we have absolutely been counting down.  Since in our case PTL was the problem last time, that is our biggest fear this time.  And up until this past week, we knew if the baby was born they wouldn't even try to save her as there is pretty much no chance before 23 weeks. So in terms of our PTL fears, this week does matter a lot--at the late 22 weeks there was a 0% chance for our baby if she was born then, at 23 it is something in the 10-20%ish area and increases a bit everyday, and then at 24 it is something like 50% (maybe a little higher at the best nicus).

    So it's not a "woo hoo--we're taking home a baby" milestone for us.  We actually just had what is supposed to be our last cervical check today that was objectively just fine, but the cervix was a tiny bit shorter than it had been last check which sent us into a tailspin of what-ifs and tears.  So now really getting to Saturday is seeming even less comforting because the worries just keep coming even if she is viable.  But still, it *is* a milestone.  Moving from, they will just let her die in my arms to they will at least *try* to save her if she's born alive (and there is a decent chance they will succeed) is something.  At least, we are going to try to convince ourselves of that.  We are planning to "celebrate" by actually buying some baby clothes and maybe having a nice dinner.

    But yeah, I know the milestone stuff can be really annoying when it's done in a "yippeee, we're home free" way.  At the same time, I figure everyone can use a little bit of hope to hang on to, so if someone who has experienced multiple early losses can get a glimmer of hope from hitting 12 weeks, well even though it's annoying to me, I suppose that is a good thing.

    BFP #1 9/21/11. EDD 6/4/12.  Twins discovered at 8 weeks. Twin B lost at 14 weeks due to megacystis.  Alice Joe born and lost 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks due to pre-term labor.

    BFP #2 7/11/12.  EDD 3/23/13.  Ada Alice born 3/20/13.

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  • I'm another inbetweener. I had a second tri loss, so it was earlier than some ladies here, but I did have to go through labor and delivery, knowing the whole time I wouldn't be able to take my son home.

    DH and I thought about not telling people until it was "safe", but then we realized, hey, we did that before. We waited until the 2nd tri to officially announce, and then had to explain. The whole experience has taught me that there is no "safe" period until that little one gets to go home! I honestly don't think anyone who hasn't been through it will ever understand.

    A fellow late loss mom whose rainbow was born a couple of months ago gave me the best advice. She told me to cherish everyday I am pregnant and take things week to week.

    All of that said, I am terrified of seeing a SCH tomorrow at my first us.
  • imageweddedwife:I agree with everyone, and I do remember this coming up on this board before. The "today is my due date" posts over there bother me when I open them to find out they miscarried at 6 wks. Um...you knew you were pg for about 5 seconds. I've had a few ladies respond to my posts inappropriately; it was obvious they didn't bother to look at my siggy or even read my entire post. I know they are just trying to be supportive but when they say "I know how you feel" about something like people not recognizing my loss, and then I see they had an early m/c it bugs me. Um, I held my dead son in my arms; you bled into a pad. Not quite the same. I'm sure I sound bitchy but it's just another example of not fitting in anywhere IRL anymore and I guess online too. The hardest part of having a loss like this, for me personally.

    You said it perfectly. Especially " Um, I held my dead son in my arms; you bled into a pad." I don't mean to minimize anyone's loss, but I do feel there is such a huge gap between miscarriages and full-term losses. I feel bad for thinking this way, but the truth is that I want to shake people online/IRL that tell me "I know exactly how you feel" when our experiences are totally different. Thanks OP for giving me an opportunity to ?voice? these feelings. I?m struggling, but at least I?m not alone.

    Our little boy, born sleeping at 37 weeks. Always loved, always remembered. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Our sunshine on a cloudy day. Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Thank you for posting this. I completely understand what you mean. I lurk over there and on my birth month board, but rarely post because I don't feel like most of them can relate to me. It is hard to see so many people passing their milestones when that is not part of many of our realities. The day that I pass my loss milestone with Braxton will hopefully be the same day that I am holding my new baby. I lost him at 36 weeks 6 days and will most likely be induced at 37 weeks, almost exactly one year later. I do wish there was a PGALL board where we could all talk more freely about our journey. I truly hope that we will all get to take home these babies. 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • Yup I know what you mean. I'm glad this board is accepting (with ticker warnings) of the entire process of a late loss.
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